Keeping Your Teenager Accountable: The Home Behavior Contract

If you are lucky enough to have a "Stepford" child then you might want to read another article. If, however, your child's behavior is such that at times it seems that your child has disappeared and been replaced by an evil (or at least moderately mischievous) twin, please read on.

There is nothing diabolical going on - your child has moved from tween to teen and it's the beginning of your son's or daughter's time to test the waters and move toward independence. Paradoxically, while you are preparing your child for the independence he or she so desperately wants, you need boundaries and limits more than ever because the journey toward independence frequently makes stops along the way at rebellion, laziness, forgetfulness, disorganization, and sometimes, just plain weirdness.

To help your son or daughter navigate the waters from teenager toward young adult you'll need a compass marked with clearly stated responsibilities and rules and there corresponding rewards and consequences. It doesn't get any clearer than a written behavior contract. That may seem a little Type-A, but it sure saves time and reduces arguments when everyone in your household knows the expectations and consequences.

The success of using a teenager behavior contract begins with your relationship with your teenager. If you don't have a close relationship with your child then imposing rules without the foundation of a good relationship can lead to rebellion. However, if you do have a solid foundation, a home contract can be very helpful.

The primary purpose of a behavior contract is to hold your teenagers accountable for their behavior while allow you to maintain a reasonable amount of control. The contract is a basic agreement and is not meant to resolve issues of feelings and emotions.

Setting Rules, Consequences, and Privileges

A contract should include the following:

1. Define the rule for expected behavior

2. Define the consequence

3. Define the privilege

For example:

Rule: Teen should be home immediately after school except if prior arrangements are made with parents. Prior means the day before at the latest - no same day plans. If teen is out on approved prior plans, teen must be home by 8:00 pm on school nights and 11:00 pm on non-school nights.

Consequence: For the next week, teen must come home twice as early as he or she was late. If teen was 30 minutes late, then curfew is an hour earlier for the next week.

Privilege: Teen will maintain current curfew or be allowed to work up to a later curfew.

Your teenager may believe that iPods, computers, TV time, time with friends, and the like are rights. They are not - they are privileges that can be lost and restored based on behavior. Appropriate behavior keeps the privileges in place; inappropriate behavior means the loss of privileges.

Privileges and consequences should be natural and logical. When possible, set a consequence that relates to the behavior. For example, if your teen must be off the phone by 9:30 pm and is not, then your teen loses phone privileges for a day.

You may also want to stage consequences. For example, if your teen does not use the cell phone according to your rules, then you might issue the following consequences:

First occurrence - loss of 1 ½ hours of cell phone time the next evening.

Second occurrence - loss of cell phone for the following day.

Third occurrence - complete loss of cell phone privileges until respect is shown, an apology made, and the teen writes down how he or she will comply with the rule. Then the teen can start with reduced cell phone time and earn his or her way back up to full use.

Before you look at the sample teenager behavior contract, you'll want to remind yourself of what teens care about so you can set appropriate consequences.

Top 10 Things Teenagers Care About

(in no particular order)

Money

Phone

Freedom

Clothing

Cars

Trust

Appearance

Material Objects - iPods, digital cameras, and the like

Time spent with them

Computer time - online social networks such as MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter

Does your teen care about something else? Please add it to the list. Armed with your "what my child cares about" list, you can now look at a basic teenager behavior contract and customize it to work for you and your teenager.

Rewards are easier than consequences. As you pick consequences, remember too that sometimes the natural consequences of your teenager's actions will be such that you don't need to add additional consequences. As an example, if your teenager takes something from a store and is cited for theft, you probably won't want to add to that. The legal system can be an effective consequence. However, if your teenager does it again . . .

The following behavior contract does not include every area. It is offered as a sample to give you a starting point.

Basic Teenager Behavior Contract

PERSONAL REPSONSIBILITY

Keep room neat and clean. Make bed every morning

Tidy up bathroom after use

Help with household chores without arguing

Take care of own clothes washing and putting away

Pick up after yourself

Be respectful of other people's property - ask before using

Be respectful of privacy - all family members knock and wait for permission to enter room

No drugs or alcohol

GOING OUT

Get permission from parents before going out

School nights

No going outside after supper

Need special permission for special events

Non-school nights/weekends

Be home before 11:00 pm

Do not call asking to stay out later - must get special permission in advance

When leaving the house teen must tell parents:

1. Where he or she will be

2. Who he or she will be with

3. A telephone number where teen can be reached

4. He or she understands that a change of plans means a phone call to parents

5. He or she understands the curfew

Must be quiet and in room by 10:30 PM on school nights and midnight on non-school nights.

HOUSE RULES

Overnight guests need advance approval (advance does not mean an hour before teen wanta a friend to stay).

Advance approval needed to stay at a friend's house overnight.

No boys in girls' rooms/no girls in boys' rooms

If teen takes the last of anything, please write it on the shopping list.

FAMILY

Two nights a week - everyone is home.

Mandatory attendance at one family outing per month

Meals are eaten in the kitchen/dining room - no iPods, texting, or TV during meals.

SCHOOL

Attendance is mandatory

No excuse for tardiness

Homework is not optional - must be complete and turned in on time.

Must maintain a C average or better.

ALLOWANCE

Paid at the end of the week

Agreed rate is: __________

Extra money can be earned for: ____________________

OTHER AREAS

Include agreements about driving

Cell phone and computer use

Job

Any medications

Allowed and disallowed friends

Dating rules

Once you have listed the expected behaviors, attach privileges and consequences. Teens keep privileges when rules are followed and lose privileges when rules are not followed. In some areas you may want to add a reward or an additional consequence. For example, improved grades earn a night at the movies. Lower grades results in fewer nights out until grades improve.

Here are some ideas for rewards and for consequences.

Ideas for Rewards

Earn extra computer time

Rent a movie over the weekend

Choose dinner

Have a friend over

Stay out an extra 30 minutes

Earn extra TV time

Ideas for Consequences

Loss of computer use

Loss of cell phone

Extra chores

Earlier curfew

Loss of TV

Apology letter with specific plan for improved behavior

Using the Home Behavior Contract

Once the behavior contract is complete, parents and the teen sign and date it and everyone gets a copy. By signing the contract, your teen has agreed to be accountable for his or her behavior. You may need to do some fine-tuning over time as life happens and you perhaps need to add behaviors or be more specific about expectations.