Kevorkian Released from Prison; Masochists Outraged

DETROIT -- Dr. Kevorkian is back, and he's going to kill you in the worst way possible: painlessly, and only if you ask.

The terminally ill Jack Kevorkian, who received a 10- to 25-year prison sentence in 1999 for the mercy killing of Thomas Youk, was mercy-paroled on Friday. Terrified observers sought shelter in bushes and nearby buildings as the self-proclaimed "Dr. Death" frothed at the mouth and swung his sharp talons at them -- in their imaginations.

"It was awful!" cried Susan Wainwright, a local church leader. "I thought I was going to die -- which, by the way, would be a bad thing."

Wainwright attended Kevorkian's release in order to protest it with her organization, Death Ain't Right (DAR). The 40-year-old mother-of-three advocates the right to life. She says that even during hard times, like her father's recent mortal struggle with emphysema, she has maintained her position.

"You can't have all the rights you want. My father had a right to life. If we'd honored his pleas for death in those last few months, we woulda taken away that right. Life and death are two different things, and you can't have a right to both."

The interview with Mrs. Wainwright halted under a deafening roar; Dr. Kevorkian had grown to Godzilla-like proportions and was beginning to snatch up and feast on innocent bystanders.

"Raaaar! Kevorkian hungry! You say you want assisted suicide? Me glad to oblige. Raaar!"

Kevorkian, 79, garnered national attention in the 1990's for bringing euthanasia -- a popular service in the world of domesticated animal death -- to humans. While in some circles his actions sparked educated debate and support for the idea of human euthanasia, most people opposed it and can now, to their delight, apply the old American rule-of-thumb: If it's legal in Amsterdam, it's morally wrong.

"I don't know what they do over there in Europe," said Wainwright, "but here in America we let God decide when someone's gonna die. When someone's stuck in-between, like my dad was, that just means he's in a sort of pending status. And heck, if God wants to wait a few years before he takes you, you're just gonna have to wait. I think that's how it works, anyway. Shoot, ask God!"

Meanwhile, as city officials cleaned up the mess and administered an anti-mutation serum to Kevorkian, bystanders assessed the damage: 37 dead, 8 wounded and 3 missing. DAR sent out a search party for its one missing member.

Surrounded by a pool of entrails and blood, Wainwright smiled and sighed. "The Lord sure does work in mysterious ways."

Other DAR members maintain that, in addition to being mysterious, the Lord is merciful. Mercy killings are unnecessary because the Lord will grant mercy through prayer. In that way, "prayers are like coupons," said one Sparky Cooper. Clapping excitedly, he added, "Except you can make as many of them as you want!"

But perhaps the Lord's most merciful act has been towards Mrs. Wainwright herself. In withholding from her the power of foresight, He has kept her blissfully unaware of the nature of her own death, which will involve a lawnmower accident and a series of failed surgeries. As she experiences pain in places and at levels she previously thought unfathomable, she will attempt suicide multiple times -- only to be thwarted by divine intervention again and again and again.

"What can I say?" said God, chuckling. "I work in mysterious ways!"

"But seriously," He added, "in sixth grade, she sold her soul to a friend for ten bucks. As it turns out, that counts."

Kevorkian, on the other hand, will not be performing any interventions. As part of his parole, he has promised only to campaign for people's right to die -- not to help them exercise it.

"I can't believe they fell for it," said Kevorkian. "Asking me not to assist suicides is like slapping a grown man with a flip-flop; it's hilarious, but pretty darn pointless."

Then, Kevorkian finally answered the question on everyone's mind. The party will be held next summer, among a large fleet of houseboats on Lake St. Clair, and after a long night of drinking, the final act will take place at sunrise. Then and only then, to the blaring music of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and the loving ovation of the crowd, will he flip up his middle finger and assist in his own suicide.

"It's going to be awesome," said Kevorkian.