Key to Effective Communication: Know Your Role

The key to communication is being able to recognize your role within a conversation. To investigate this hypothesis, I carefully observed common conversations with my loved ones, my student, a colleague, my boss and a stranger.

Girlfriend

My girlfriend is the person with whom I am closest. Unfortunately, she lives in Italy, and I live in Los Angeles. She had just undergone surgery for an appendix removal and was still recovering at the hospital when I called. On this day, we spoke mostly of her experiences at the hospital and her recovery outlook. We spoke for about 30 minutes.

In regards to nonverbal communication, one still has to focus one's attention intently on the conversation. At one point during the phone conversation, I sat at my desk and started looking at my papers from work. My attention drifted a bit. Immediately prior to that, she was interrupted by a nurse. For about 30 seconds, we lost communication and had to gather our thoughts again. I remember saying, "What were we talking about?" She did not remember either. Distractions are plentiful just as in face-to-face communication.

Most of the conversation involved me asking many questions of concern. She supplied most of the information. Very little of the conversation was small talk. The overwhelming majority of the discussion comprised of serious medical information. My voice may have sounded concerned. She sounded weak and in pain. Her voice and description of her surroundings painted quite a vivid picture in my mind. I noticed that I asked many questions about her environment. She described the location of the hospital and moved on to many details of her hot and often very loud hospital room.

Phone conversations with loved ones, especially in long distance relationships, are important. It is crucial that ideas and thoughts be communicated clearly. Without body language, words can become misinterpreted. Paying attention to tone of voice and how you say certain things become automatic procedures.

Sister

My sister and I are good friends. From relationships to friendships and career, we share a lot. During an evening last week, we had a conversation at length. We spoke mostly about friendships and her job. I was sitting at the computer surfing the net when she came home from work at around 10:00 PM. She sat on the floor next to my chair and we began to talk. Before I knew it, an hour had elapsed.

This was a different type of conversation. She was venting about her day and I was listening more than I was speaking. She had had a rough day at work and a tough time on the phone with one of her close friends. She spilled her guts and I provided support. I noticed that when I would give feedback, she seemed to be waiting for me to finish so she could speak again. She had a lot to say so I allowed her to do so without giving advice or being judgmental. I think I learned over time that this is the best approach and in the end, my sister would benefit from it. She just needed someone to listen to her without judgment. She looked stressful at times especially when she spoke about her issues at work. There was a bit of sadness and a feeling of being trapped that exuded from her. I kept myself from making unnecessary comments.

During most of the conversation, I remained on my chair. We were both so involved in the conversation that it didn't really occur to me how awkward the setup was. I was in a chair and she was sitting on the floor! Another thing that was surprising was how late it had gotten by the time the conversation ended. Time flew by. We ended the conversation abruptly. I started to shut down the computer and she got up. Both of us just walked to our respective area of the house. No big conclusions. Looking back, I think the conversation made her happy.

Best friend

Last Sunday, my best friend and I had breakfast at the Long Beach Café. The conversation that occurred was informal and filled with laughter. We had just gone to a party together the night before and spent the majority of the morning discussing that experience. In addition we spoke about work related issues and politics.

As I said, the conversation was funny and very relaxed. We were both extremely tired. Nonetheless, there was always a constant stream of conversation. It was a nonstop exchange of ideas and comments. The two of us joked around a lot and often made casual sarcastic remarks. At times I questioned whether it was appropriate to laugh so much while eating. It had to be a little dangerous. Throughout most of the discussion, I did not feel censored at all. I did not stop myself from saying the things I wanted to say. I think both of us were extremely honest.

As far as nonverbal communication, I felt that my friend and I had good eye contact. We looked at each other's expressions and reactions to most comments. Laughter ensued many times by merely observing a reaction to a random comment. The laughing spearheaded much of the dialogue.

Student

I have a personal relationship with many of my students. Teaching students with special needs allows you to form relationships otherwise impossible. Our class numbers make it so. One student in particular, Keunite, has formed a good relationship with me. One morning before school started, he came into the classroom to ask me if I could help him buy his PE shirt. He also asked me numerous questions about other school matters. We spoke for about 10 minues.

Keunite has the knack of rapid firing questions at me. He quietly entered the classroom as I was preparing and said hello to me. I asked him how he was doing and that was enough for him to begin firing away. While he was speaking, I noticed that he looked down a lot especially when he asked me to help pay for his PE shirt. He may have been a bit embarrassed. I continued to prepare for class as he was speaking to me. At times I paused from what I was doing, directly interacted with him and made eye contact.

Keunite also shared some concerns about school with me. He was opened to extra tutoring and began asking specific questions about the schedules. While he was speaking to me he tended to continuously move to keep up with me. I was shuffling from side to side from one end of my desk to the chalk board. He just kept on talking. There was a time when my back was turned but he still kept talking. He caught me at a busy time and he seemed to understand the situation. His talks with me in the mornings are becoming routine. It is also common for him to stay after school with me. In many ways, I feel like I represent something he is missing from his life, a male role model.

Colleague

I have some interesting colleagues. The teachers that work at my school are a diverse group. One person who I work closely with is a gentleman name Mr. Brown. He is the special education chairperson for our school as well as the RSP teacher. Usually supportive, I entered his office to speak to him about a concern I had. The conversation with heated moments lasted approximately 15 minutes.

I was having a bad day, probably the worse so far this year. There was one student in particular that drove me up the wall and I expressed my concern with Mr. Brown. After school I stormed into his office with obvious signs of anger on my face and voice. I didn't feel he and the administrators were supporting me properly with a particular concern. This is the first time Mr. Brown has ever seen me upset. I made a direct comment to start the conversation. He paused, looked down at his desk and proceeded to speak in a soft voice. I continued to express my concern without really listening to him. My voice was still firm. He agreed with my concerns and at one point mentioned that he would support me if I were to seek other solutions to my problem. We ended the conversation in a positive manner. We agreed to come in early the next morning to work out the problem. He was willing to make a small sacrifice to help me solve a problem. Mr. Brown's proactive manner helped me to calm down. He was not only trying to be agreeable but helpful.

My nonverbal communication must have appeared quite aggressive. I walked fast into his office. Then I began to speak down to him as he was sitting in his chair working on his computer. I would not sit down. Anger is obvious.

Administrator

My principal and I rarely communicate. But last week it was necessary for me to speak to him about budget matters. I am going to organize a basketball tournament and I need money to do so. We spoke for 5 minutes.

The principal is a quiet man, and so is his office. I walked into his office and he asked me what he could do for me. He was friendly and welcoming but I felt that he was busy. His face spoke volumes. There seemed to be a lot on his mind. His face was quite red and so were his eyes. He sat at his desk and I remained standing the entire time in front of his desk. I spoke in a professional manner and expressed my concerns to him. He was polite and supportive. I am usually reluctant to speak to the principal. Usually he is the last person I seek help from. My reluctance must have been apparent. I spoke fast and was glad the conversation was brief.

Stranger

I met Beverly today at the school district office. She had paperwork waiting for me to pick up. There were several other people in the room. It was Friday afternoon so everyone was in a good mood. The weekend was just around the corner! The conversation was humorous as well as informative. She told me a few important things about receiving financial assistance for my education, a subject beyond her scope.

I walked into her cubicle and introduced myself as Mr. Jones. I stuck out my hand and she gave me a firm shake. She asked me some general questions. When she found out I was from Davis Middle School, a big smile came to her face and she said, "Finally. I can't believe this is the first time we've met!" It was a great feeling to know that she recognized my name and had been trying to put a face to the name for all this time. Her face showed genuine excitement. We continued to talk about the paperwork I had come for. That part of the conversation was formal and professional. But after that, we joked around with the people that were in the office. It was great because there were people there that we knew mutually. That helped to bridge the communication.

Conclusion

Communication is always given as the answer to all social problems, and that if we could somehow open its doors, we would be enlightened. As I have observed, being an effective communicator involves knowing and fulfilling your role. I empathized with my girlfriend and sister and was their sounding board. In turn Mr. Brown was the ready recipient of my rant. My friend and I served as equal comedic counterparts throughout our time together. To my student, I represented a father figure. With my boss and Beverly I was in need of their services. Rarely will all parties of a conversation have equal input. The leading roles of a simple conversation include a benefactor and a recipient. Knowing which one you are and accepting it will knock the doors of communication wide open.