Keys to Life: Key #3 - Cultivate Friendships

A little over two years ago I penned an article called Keys to Life . The piece was an adaptation of an essay by author Michael Thomas Ford from his book of collected essays called "My Big Fat Queer Life." In the essay, "Ten Keys to Being Happy Though Gay", he spells out ten tidbits of advice on things gay people should do in order to be happy. I felt strongly enough about his list that I adapted it so that we all could gain some insight into that ever-present pursuit of happiness.

The ideas set forth in his essay inspired me to create my own list of ideals to strive for in pursuit of a happier life. Some of Ford's keys made a lot of sense to me, but not all of them. I kept some of them the same and changed others to fit life as I see it. Remember that these are ideals. They're not easy to achieve, but they're all worthy of aspiring to.

I've long since wanted to revisit these "keys to life" in the hopes of keeping them at the forefront of my own mind and to share them as valuable information for anyone to have. For the next several weeks I'll be doing just that, only this time I'm going to be taking a look each of the ten keys individually. In this piece, we'll take a look at the third key to life: cultivate friendships. Here's what I wrote on this back in November of 2008:

Key to Life #3 - Cultivate Friendships

The term "friend" is used way too loosely these days. Everybody we've ever been in a room with is suddenly a 'friend." When did friendship become a form of currency? The more friends we have, the better we look. We look even better if those friends are good-looking, successful, or otherwise 'cool' people. It's not a terrible thing to have friends that are any of these things. I've got no grudges against people who value this structure of personal worth, but when I say "cultivate friendships", I'm not talking about these types of acquaintances.

True friends are integral parts of our lives. They give us a sense of comfort, a soothing presence during the trials and tribulations of our lives. We're lucky to have one or two of these friends in our lives, people who hold a genuine interest, who will listen, share, and support us. Who you surround yourself with should make you a better person. So evaluate your friendships. Decide which ones you value and nurture them. It'll make your life better.

I once posed a journal question to my students regarding friendship:

Is it better to have many friends or one or two good friends?

Their answers, as I expected, were all over the place on this one. I would guess that their responses would mirror those of the general population if the same question was posed to everyone. The truth is, I personally believe that those who would answer that it's better to have many friends might have esteem issues. Life is not a popularity contest, although it may seem like it sometimes. Where friendship is concerned, it's quality over quantity that makes for a more fulfilling life.

Friends are the family you choose to surround yourself with. That's something I believe wholeheartedly. There are all types of friends we could have in life, but the only friendships worth working at are the ones that will bring you joy and fulfillment. True friends share common interests and a mutual admiration, to start with, but only the true friendships are the ones that involve a give and take. That is, unless a friendship is a fluid, back and forth relationship, it's just not worth time and effort.

Friends come in all shapes and sizes, and they come from a variety of sources. I've made friends from school, from various jobs, and more recently from online sources such as Facebook and right here at the Yahoo! Contributor Network. Now of course I don't consider everyone I've ever had pleasant interactions with a friend. These people have a place in my life, but they're not the types of true friends I'm talking about. True friends are the ones I know will always be there for me, no matter what the circumstances, and whose friendship I'd willingly and happily reciprocate anytime.

As I said back in November of 2008, the word "friend" is thrown around way too loosely these days. Case in point: Facebook. The hugely popular website bases its 'social networking' concept around the idea of connecting with 'friends.' Has this become the new concept of friendship in the new century? I certainly hope not! Who really has 4,000 friends anyway?

If I met someone on Facebook and that's the only place I ever interact with them, then they're not really my friends. Friends are the people I like to spend time with, talking on the telephone, sharing a meal or a pleasant chat, or crying on one another's shoulders when need be. Facebook friends and other acquaintances are just that, and we should accept that though it's nice to appear popular, what's important is finding those one or two (or more!) genuine people that will make our lives richer by their very presence in it.

True friendship is hard to come by, but once you've found it, nurture it. A big part of a person's worth can be measured by the people they surround themselves with, and those who find genuine friends and cultivate their relationships with them will never walk alone. I suspect that those who have 4,000 friends may eventually be lonely.

For more in this series please see:

Keys to Life

Keys to Life: Key #1 - Live in the Present

Keys to Life: Key #2 - Age Gracefully