Keys to Overcoming the Victim Mentality

Recovery from childhood sexual abuse and incest takes a lot of time and a lot of understanding. Some of that understanding comes from other people who are willing to be patient with us as we work toward the goal of recovery. However, some of that understanding must come from within our own heart and mind. We need to understand the truth because in the end, it is truth that truly sets us free from the bondage of our past.

When we choose to live as someone besides a victim, we must cast aside that victim mentality that keeps us tied up in chains of fear, self-pity and longing for what we cannot have. Maintaining the thinking of a victim will cripple us. It sets up a barrier between us and others that says to people, "I'm afraid you will hurt me just as I've been hurt before."

On a natural and practical level, it is easy to understand how that thought process becomes set up in our mind. Once we have been so viciously betrayed and hurt, it is not easy to overcome the distrust that is a natural result of that kind of pain.

This is where Truth comes into play. There are some questions we must ask ourselves:

1) Is it true that every person I meet in life will betray and hurt me as my abuser(s) have done?

2) What is it that keeps me from being able to love others with an open heart?

3) If I turn loose of my hatred, rage, unforgiveness and self-pity, will my abuser(s) go free without paying any kind of consequences for their actions?

To answer these three questions, we must get quiet in our own souls and think in a much more realistic and rational manner.

1) It is easy to understand that not every person we meet in life will hurt us. It is also easy to understand that some people will hurt us and betray us on some level. That betrayal likely will not happen on the same scale and level as the betrayal of our abuse, but because we have already been hurt and betrayed on a grand scale, any hint of betrayal will cause that same huge pain to hit again. Being able to understand that this smaller betrayal is not the same, is the key to overcoming this barrier to forming good relationships.

2) So what it is that does keep us from being able to be open to other people and to allow ourselves to love others and be loved by them? How do we tear down that barrier that prevents us from moving forward in relationships? The key lies in understanding the work of forgiveness. Being able to forgive people is essential to forming good relationships. One thing we need to know about what it means to forgive an abuser is that forgiveness benefits us far more than it will ever benefit the abuser. Forgiveness breaks the chain that ties us to our abuser(s). If you truly want to be free from your abuser(s) the key to unlocking that connection is forgiveness. Forgiveness sets us free to love again. We want more than anything to be loved and to love. We are made for those purposes and to remain chained to an abuser will prevent us from being free to love and be loved by others.

3) Does it mean that my abuser(s) will get off without paying any kind of penalty for their crimes and sins if I forgive them? The truth is, "No". It does not mean that abusers will go unpunished for their crimes. It just means that you are not the person who is responsible for bringing justice upon them. It is not your job to punish, it is your job to forgive and go free. Whatever happens to the abuser(s) is entirely in the hands of the One who knows how to be Just. That One is God. He is the One who saw it all and knows exactly how to work justice upon our abuser(s). There is great freedom in knowing that truth!

Fear is a crippling emotion. Fear will prevent us from stepping outside of our own self-constructed walls and barriers and choosing to love others. Love is a choice. Fear is a crippling emotion. Fear is victim thinking. Love is freedom. We must choose how we will walk these truths out in our lives and in our relationships. Will we walk in fear or will we walk in truth and love?

Is it easy to forgive our abuser(s)? No, it is sometimes very hard to forgive. Taking that first step towards forgiveness will be the hardest step you have ever made. However, once you choose to do it, you will understand the truth about forgiveness and that truth will, indeed, set you free!