KICKING the HABIT

Our habits are learned responses that we perform without thinking. We adopted them because they once provided us with some kind of reward, and under stress we have the tendency to repeat them as a way of coping with life. Like a record in the grove we tend to repeat the same response until we learn new ones. A habit becomes a problem when it delivers long-term negative consequences.

All learning takes place with spaced repetition. It is like going to Europe and learning to drive on the left side of the road. At first it will take the time and effort to think about it. But over time, the practice of a behavior becomes a habit and will no longer require active thought.

The first step for changing a habit is to write a plan of correction. Putting our goals down on paper helps us to set them into our mind. Post the list in a viewable place. Visual cues can be placed where ever you spend the most time. Put a note on the bathroom mirror where it is one of the first places you will look in the morning. Write out new responses you can develop to the old stimuli. Be realistic and practice how you can steer through rough terrain. Having a spare tire is better than thinking you'll never need one. So, have several plans ready to implement.

Second, we must examine our emotional responses to develop new habits. We must be sure that our emotional responses are not automatic and keeping us stuck in our usual responses. Our emotional needs do not change, however we can discover different ways of satisfying our needs. If you want to change a habit, begin a new one. Practice the new habit with the regularity of the old. If gambling excites you, try savings instead. If you use drugs or alcohol to relax, try bio-feedback and meditation. The library has many self-hypnosis tapes that will help change thought patterns. If sex makes you feel powerful, try weight lifting. Learn to swim before you get into the deep end of the pool. By learning a new habit first, the old ones can leave when they no longer serve a purpose. Remember, that each habit is in response to a need. Identify what the pay off is for each behavior, and you can replace it with a more rewarding habit.

Develop a support system. In this era of self help groups, you can find a support group for almost every habit. Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous have set the stage as successful models of strength in numbers. Family, friends, church and community groups can help achieve your goals. Telling your plans to others makes it easier for you to stay committed. Others can give you feedback when you unconsciously drift into old behaviors. Surround yourself with people. If is difficult to practice many bad habits in public. You are less likely to get high in a church or a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous.

Be good to yourself; reward yourself at timed intervals. Reward close approximation, do not wait until you reach your goal. This is a system that is built into most support groups. New habits evolve quicker with positive re-enforcers. Instead of rewarding your long hard week of work with a drink, try a movie or a new CD instead. When you have lost ten pounds, purchase a new outfit. When you complete that college degree, buy a new car. Rewards reinforce our will power, and each success makes it easier to develop a success mentality.

Avoid the risks. If you know that keeping company with old friends will temp you to indulge in old habits, join a club and make new friends. Association with old peers is the biggest risk factor for relapse. These are not only using peers, but may be friends or associations that evoke certain feelings. Join the chess club, or take the sewing class you have never had time for. If the stress of filing you taxes is too much, hire someone else to do them. Learn new ways to cope with stress. Join the jogging club, take a Reiki class, take Salsa lessons or take a vacation. A hour a the local conservatory can do more to relief stress than an hour in any bar. (Do what Spider Lady does: spin! Spinning is writing. Journalizing is an excellent tool for change!)

Be realistic, Rome wasn't built in a day. Set you goals into bite size pieces. Do not bite of more than you can chew. Goals should be graduated, like stairs to help lift you easily to the top. There will be times that you will be irritable, and tense when making changes in your life. See a Higher Power to guide you through these times. Take a deep breath, say the serenity prayer and think about waves on the beach. Just because the ride is rough does not mean that the boat will sink. Hold on tight to you life preserver and remember that you have learned to swim.

Last, remember, it is progress not perfection. We all fail short of our target at times. To err is human. Celebrate your humanness. Most people will love you despite your flaws. Pick up the arrow and aim again; get back into the saddle and ride. If we realize that we have started down the wrong road, we can turn around. The sooner we realize that we are in the wrong surroundings the less likely we are to stay lost. Bring a compass and don't be afraid to ask directions.