Kiddy Kwips

This article first appeared on Sunday, September 21, 1986 in Chicago's Southtown Economist. I am republishing most of it, because these Chicago-area children were no different then than children everywhere are today. Please enjoy these Kiddy Kwips.

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Nine-year-old Gina is a perfectionist. A straight-A student who plans to be a doctor, Gina was distraught the day she brought home her first B. Mom tried to explain that nobody gets straight As all the time. "Well," Gina sighed in exasperation, "I guess I'm gonna have to be a bag lady then."

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Five-year-old Terry prided herself on being smarter than her 3 1/2-year-old sister, Cindy. For instance, one afternoon Cindy raced into the house panting, "Mommy, Mommy, I found a pillicater, I found a pillicater!"

Terry rolled her eyes, and with a disgusted look, drolled, "Cindy, it's not a pillicater; it's a patacillar!"

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Overhearing her children cruelly attacking the intelligence of poor Maggie Ruth, Mom stepped in.

"Different people have different levels of intelligence," she explained. Yes there were stupid people but she doubted that Maggie Ruth was one of them. And, anyway, she hesitated, looking each one in the eyes, there were no Einsteins sitting at this table!

"Who's Einstein?" the 9-year-old wanted to know,

Incredulously the 5-year-old resounded, "You know - Frank!"

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One 3-year-old watched intently as Mom nursed her little sibling. When the baby was finally finished, the little girl commented, "You know, Mom, I think I'll take a bite of that now."

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Like most 4-year-olds, Lindsey was incorporating new words into her vocabulary and an awareness of world affairs into her life, particularly when "USA for Africa" was a current event.

As her mother relates, "In a single moment during bedtime prayers, she managed to stir up a mixture of pride and surprise for me when she introduced famine and food poisoning into one simple prayer - "Thank you, God, for the nutritious, healthy, and good food we had today, and thank You for it not making us sick.'"

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Back in the 60's, when Confirmations were performed in the 4th grade, 9-year-old Kathy was oozing with self-confidence when the cardinal arrived. Preparing for the ceremony, he asked the children, "If you were in a person's home who had dirty books and magazines, what would you do?"

A very enthusiastic Kathy flailed her arms to catch his attention. It worked, and in a voice loud enough for the entire congregation to hear, she bellowed, "I'd tell him to clean them off."

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Five-foot-tall Mom and six-foot-three dad live with their 3.5 and 2-year-old sons. One day Mom was talking about all the possibilities available for them when they grew up. Sizing up his mother, the 3.5 year old asked, "Mom, when are you going to grow up?"

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Two-year-old Scott was helping "Grammy" and "Papa" decorate their Christmas tree. When the task was completed, Scott announced, "Turn the dark on so we can see how the lights look."

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Observation from one 5-year-old to another: "Dead people die naked."

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In the mid '70s, before fear of kidnapping changed our ways, 5-year-old Keeley was allowed to sit on a bench in the mall while Mom shopped in a nearby store. She was told to check in frequently with Mom, and she did.

On her first visit Mom noticed that Keeley was chewing gum. "Where did you get that?" Mom asked.

"From the gumball machine," her daughter replied. "Out there."

Not so unusual, Mom thought. Kids find pennies all the time.

The next time Keeley entered the store, Mom noticed decidedly more gum in her daughter's mouth and they repeated the exchange. Lucky kid, Mom thought. But when Keeley came back the third time chewing so much gum she could barely speak, Mom became suspicious.

Allowing Keeley to leave again, Mom waited a few seconds and followed her to the bench. And there in the pond around the waterfall was Keeley, pants rolled up, shoes and socks off, surrounded by hundreds of pennies.

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One mom remarked on the difficulty of disciplining a 3.5-year-old son who made her laugh. It seemed that every time a meal was served, no matter what he was eating and even if it was the same thing she was eating, he wanted to eat Mom's food. Finally, one mealtime Mom scolded, "If you touch it again, you won't get your treat!"

He touched it anyway and became extremely agitated when Mom carried through on her promise.

Mom decided to explain. "When you do something that I tell you not to do, I get very angry, so the next time I eat something and I say, 'Don't touch it,' you don't touch it or you won't get a treat. Do you understand? Now repeat that. What did I just say?"

He answered, "Repeat that."

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Eric's dad hoped his 4-year-old son hadn't seen the dead cat in the road up ahead. When seconds passed, he assumed the boy hadn't noticed, until Eric finally spoke up. "Where do cats go when they die, Daddy?"

"Well," his dad responded slowly, hoping the right words would flow miraculously from his lips, "I suppose they go to Heaven to be with God."

Silence. More silence. That must have been what he waited to hear, Dad thought. Then came the next question:

"Daddy, what would God want with a dead cat?"

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Side-by-side, Mom and 5-year-old Michael searched through the grass for his ball - with no luck. Michael suggested a new approach. "Let's split up," he said then looked questioningly at Mom and asked, "Do you know what that means?"

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After a humiliating experience as a child, Mom vowed that her children would never ask the father of a bald, newborn baby how he knew it was a girl.

She made sure that, at ages 3 and 4, her children knew their own bodies. She also prided herself on being an advocate of sexual equality.

But one day when she asked, "How do you tell the difference between a boy and a girl", her self-assured 4-year-old daughter dumbfounded Mom by chirping, "Girls wear pink."

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Another mom writes, "While getting ready to read what appeared to be a very scary-looking children's book, I asked Gregory, my 3.5-year-old son, 'Will you have nightmares if I read this book?'

"'Well,' he hesitated, pondering the question, 'O.K.'"

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The very nice 2-year-old Brian and his very nice Mommy were strolling through a shopping center on a beautiful winter day when they came across a police officer. A pleasant exchange ensued, and the police officer patted Brian on the head. As they parted, the officer wished them both a very Merry Christmas, to which Brian responded, "Merry Christmas, Pig."

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And there you have it, a smattering of little quips made by little kids who are all now adults.