Kidney Stones Rock!--Not!

So I'm sitting at my computer; it's around two in the morning (yes, I know I need to get a life), when suddenly my whole left side feels like it was hit by bird shot!

I started having chills and I was shaking like a leaf as I was probably going into shock. So I prayed and meditated. Doing this calmed me down and stopped the shakes.

At that point I felt more focused and was able to walk to the door, go outside, go next door and ask a friend to drive me to the hospital.

My friend gladly obliged and rushed me to the hospital so I could fill out forms and wait...the whole time I am suffering excruciating pain. I don't know why they couldn't just give me a shot of Novocain immediately after filling out their form, and providing my insurance card.

I had to sit and wait in the lobby for my name to be called. I comforted myself and calmed my nerves by praying and meditating. Doing this also reduced approximately 30% of my pain.

The shot reduced it another 65%...ahhhhhhhhhhh....definitely worth the wait.

After giving up urine, blood, and my modesty, the lab reported that I had a kidney stone. I asked the Doc, "Hey Doc, was it something I ate?" "Cut back on coffee and soda pop," was the reply.
"But I don't drink soda pop or coffee. "
"Well then in your case, your genes are causing your kidney stone."

As my friend drove me home, I thought about the what the Doc said about my genes. He insulted my genes! Maybe it was just my ego talking, but a voice in my head told me to do some research on the web. Here's the problem: no one in my family ever reported a problem with kidney stones. Sure, my family is crazy out of their friggin' minds, and have their share of health problems, but NO kidney stones!

I am the first, so the 64-thousand-dollar question was, what caused MY kidney stone?

I had recently switched to a healthier diet, so I felt cheated! How ironic it would be if one or more of the healthy foods I had been eating caused a kidney stone!

According to some web sources, the beans and cabbage I had been eating can cause uric-acid kidney stones. Prior to eating these foods, I had no problems. Life was good. Frankly, I am glad I now have an excuse to give up beans! Any food that gives you gas can't be all good.

I also did not drink nearly enough water. I often drank grape and orange juice. I averaged about one glass of water a day!

Now...the Doc (bless her stethoscope) figured the best way to cure my problem was to prescribe a pain killer that can cause constipation and a drug that helps the stone to pass faster, but a possible side effect was it might cause me to have a nervous disorder like my face twitching or something. Gee, I can't wait to try out these drugs to see what happens!

Since my pain was excruciating, I took a chance on the pain killer. Thank God I didn't get constipation on top of having to pass a stone! The other drug...well...I don't really want my face twitching or my teeth grinding on a permanent basis...especially when the company that manufactured the drug is being sued for this side effect.

I decided to look for other options courtesy of the web:

"Blast your stone into smithereens with sonic waves! Only $8,000!"

Too pricy. And, somehow the twitchy-face option now seemed less scary.

"Flush your stones with our natural-herbal pills! Works 85% of the time!"

Well this option is less pricy, but it is definitely a scam. Here's why: According to many web sources, 85% of all stones pass even without the magic pills, even if you do nothing!

The good news was that I had at least an 85% chance of recovering if I simply drank lots of water and let my body do the work.

"Try home remedies."

This seemed like the sanest option, since home remedies don't seem to cause any serious side effects. Some of these remedies included drinking lemon juice mixed with olive oil, or, drinking apple-cider vinegar, or, taking a hot bath and drinking lots of beer.

As pointed out earlier, these remedies are guaranteed to work 85% of the time even if they don't really work.

So what did I have to lose?

I didn't have any lemon juice or apple-cider vinegar, beer or olive oil. I didn't feel like going shopping--I just wanted to lay down and die or something. This was a situation where my chemistry training came in handy.

I figured hypothetically that since lemon juice and apple-cider vinegar are both acids, any acid will do. Well...maybe not any acid. Red-wine vinegar should work just as well. An acid can allegedly wear down the stone and make it pass easier. Caveat: If the acid is strong enough to reduce the stone's size, it should burn like hell! And it does! So a pain killer comes in handy here.

Olive oil, as near as I can figure, might serve as a lubricant. If that is true then any oil will do. Well...maybe not motor oil. I substituted safflower oil.

So my magic cure consisted of a mixture of red-wine (aka: red-whine!) vinegar and safflower oil. So basically I was drinking Italian salad dressing. I took two ibuprofen for the pain and drank a lot of water!--just to get the taste out of my mouth!

I also liked the hot-bath and case-uh-beer cure! The beer allegedly reduces pain due to the alcohol content, and the heat from the hot bath probably helps to decompose the kidney stone or gets it moving if it is stuck.

I decided to leave out the beer, since it might also be a source of kidney stones and since I don't drink anyway. I found taking a warm shower was very soothing--a hot bath or shower was irritating. My kidney was inflamed, so it did not need any heat.

I did, however, like the concept of getting the stone moving faster. Heat is kinetic energy and kinetic energy is energy in motion. I found that "gentle" massage is soothing and I discovered I was in less pain when I rode my bicycle to the pharmacy to fill my pain prescription.

Exercise and massage (two sources of kinetic energy) are good substitutes for a hot, scalding bath. Exercise has the further advantage of killing pain with endorphins.

Anyway, I am feeling much better! I think I pissed that stone away finally! All it took was vinegar, oil, ibuprofen, warm showers, massage, a bike ride, gallons of pure water and an 85% probability of success.

AND NO BEANS! YEEEEEEHAAAAAW!