Kids Classic Lit Gets a Face Lift

It's so hard to get kids to read today. I used to love to read but even with the President pushing "The Hungry Caterpillar," I've never been able to get my children interested in the classics of my youth which is why my attention was caught by a news release from Ransom Publishing. It announced their line of new books. Apparently they've been updating a lot of children's classics. They say it's necessary to bring the favorites up to date to make them relative to today's Vid Kids. A lot of stories must seem stodgy and stale to the Internet generation. After all these years, maybe it is time to juice them up. So off to the book store I went to see some of these new titles.

I first found Charlie Brown and Peanuts. I love Peanuts. I've read all those books. But this new book, "It's Malignant, Charlie Brown," kinda creeped me out. It seems a toxic spill and a new power line spells trouble for the Peanuts gang. Good grief indeed.

I was hoping that "Danny and the Dinosaur Clone" might be more to my liking. It's a follow-up to "Danny and the Dinosaur," a book I truly loved, and not just because the kid's name was Danny (I didn't realize that until years later). In this sequel, many years have passed and Danny has access to much more technology. So Danny gets some DNA from his dino-pal and creates new dinosaurs so he can open up an amusement park filled with dinosaurs. Unfortunately, the clones aren't as friendly as the original and they eat all the visitors. Here I am, all set for a rollicking tale of games, fun and hide and seek. Sure, there is a lot of hiding, but most of the "seeking" is replaced with "eating." Again, the phrase, "Ewww" jumps to mind.

Hoping to find something more education, I came upon "The Magic School Bus: Goes to the Sweet Hereafter." It seems that while on a winter field trip to examine ice, Ms. Frizzle skids off the road and onto a frozen lake. The bus crashes through the ice and all perish. Apparently this is the last of the series.

Even though I am a great fan of Babar the Elephant king, when I saw the new "Babar and the Secret Elephant Graveyard" I pretty much assumed I wasn't going to like it. It's the story of the elderly Babar seeking his final resting place, the legendary elephant graveyard. It's discovered by poachers and Babar becomes a piano keyboard in France. Gratuitous mayhem abounds.

The publishers claim these are life lessons for our times. They cite, for example, "The Cat in the Hat Strikes Back." With the recent resurgence of interest in Dr. Seuss, this latest tale seems a natural. We return to visit the boy and girl on another rainy day. The kids are all grown up now and working at Flufel-Tuffel Pharmaceuticals, testing new drugs on animals. They are once again visited by their old friend, the Cat in the Hat. He is now a radical eco-activist with PETA. With the aid of Thing 1 and Thing 2, they free the animals and assault the boy and girl.

Another Seussian classic has been morphed into "Horton Hears a Who but it Turns Out Just to be Voices in his Head." After Horton insists he hears tiny creatures, the other jungle animals put him on medication. Talk about your let-downs. I then happened upon the book store's story hour, where they were about to read "Amelia Bedelia Screws Up Again." When I voiced my complaints about these new books to the Story Lady and these violations of my childhood readings, she had store security escort me out of the mall. So I didn't even get to look at "The Berenstain Bears Get Relocated," "Clifford the Big Red Dog Gets Sent to the Country" or "Harold and the Purple Crayon's Revenge." If Johnny can't read maybe he's better off.