Kids and Consequences

Our elementary school has a set of guidelines for student behavior, outlined on a chart titled "Peer to Peer Aggression Rubric". Basically, it is a list of undesirable behaviors-insults, exclusion, hitting, harassment, threats of violence, etc.-and the corresponding disciplinary actions for those behaviors, which consists mainly of lost recesses and calls home to parents. The system is overall a good idea, as it gives the students a quick reference to appropriate behavior and a basis for what is expected of them at school. However, during the time that the rubric has been in use, I have developed some doubts regarding its usefulness and concerns as to what it is really teaching these kids.

There is no way to sugar-coat it: Kids can be mean. They are all in various stages of self-centeredness, the extent of which is dependent on their age and level of development. They can be single-minded, impulsive, and brutally honest! Not outright bad qualities, but twenty kids in the classroom can't all have things their way! They need to learn to cope, to compromise, to just get along, and they need guidance to learn to do those things. But are we giving them too much guidance? Are the lists and charts and synthetic consequences actually hindering their social and emotional growth process? And is our interference doing more harm than good?

My first concern with the behavioral rubric is that it is too broad, it covers too much area. Let's take the offense of Verbal Insults, for example. In one situation, you have one child calling another child a "loser", to the latter child's obvious distress. Then, in another situation, you have a small group of children jokingly referring to each other as "weirdo", "oddball", and the like, all laughing and enjoying the game. Well, following the guidelines of the rubric, the name-calling children in both of these scenarios would be-and in fact, were!-punished. The first example is obvious: One child was being mean to another, and was duly reprimanded. But in the second example, nobody was being hurt and the kids were all willing participants! No matter, though-we live in a "no tolerance" world, and name-calling is name-calling!

Secondly, along the same lines, there is no allowance for imaginative play. In a story related to me by another mother at our school: Her fifth-grade son and his friend were playing "spy" or something like that at recess. As they were running past a teacher, her son was overheard telling his pretend adversary, "You're going down!" Mind you, this was overheard. The other boy didn't report it, and gave no indication of fearing for his safety. But being that Threats of Violence is one of the more serious offenses on the rubric, this boy was given a disciplinary slip in his file, was made to call home to tell his mother, and lost three recesses-for pretending! Way to foster their imaginations, huh?

My third and primary concern with the behavioral rubric is that it leaves no room for natural consequences, which are by far the best behavior modifiers of all time! Harass and pick on somebody, get a punch in the nose. Be rude and bossy, nobody plays with you. Negative action immediately results in a negative consequence, a lesson is learned, and hopefully a more positive action is displayed in the future. Of course it doesn't always happen that way, and if things escalate then some intervention would be necessary. But give them a chance to work it out for themselves first!

I understand the need to monitor student behavior, and it is commendable that our schools are now monitoring serious problems such as harassment, violence, and bullying. But we can't control every little facet of our kids' lives or they'll never be able to make it on their own. They need to make a few mistakes, have their feelings hurt, and learn to deal with injustice now, because those things do exist, they do happen, but they don't get any easier! Let them figure out their coping skills now, while the problems are relatively minor, so they will have the skills they need later on to deal with the big issues!