Kids Dragged to Funeral of Cougar that was Shot for Killing Family on Vacation

Gardiner, MT--Hundreds of parents and grandparents marched their kids and/or grandkids through Yellowstone National Park on the afternoon of Thursday, July 6 to pay their respects to a poor, innocent fully-grown cougar who was inhumanely shot to death a day earlier for merely maiming, killing and eating a stupid-ass family that was on vacation, and to inject their children with measured doses of seething self-hatred.

"It saddens my heart to know that we as a species have become so vicious that we would so callously extinguish such a beautiful and angelic spirit--one that could never do any harm--just because it did a tiny bit of harm," said Geraldine Beckham, a 52-year-old mother of three and grandmother of two who traveled over 2,000 miles overnight from Arlington, West Virginia with her grandkids, Moesha and Thomas, to teach them about mankind's evil nature.

"It's important that they recognize from an early age that we humans are nothing but just a bunch of mindless, resource-consuming predators who take, take and take from Mother Nature without ever giving anything back--unlike this poor cougar, whose poop I'm sure will be missed by countless, now-starving dung beetles."

Moesha and Thomas had great difficulty accepting their grandmother's wisdom at first, but after seeing the poor, innocent cougar's lifeless body--which, out of respect, had been adorned in a trophy necklace composed of the plucked-out teeth of all the humans it had killed and placed in a solid, 14-karat gold plated casket lined with blue velvet--the two were so moved that they broke into tears and promised their grandmother that they'd "never ever" forget how evil they are.

The two weren't alone in their sentiment, as hundreds of other children took the message that their parents and grandparents were trying to instill in them to heart. Some followed Moesha and Thomas's lead by making a speech, while others put together skits and plays, sang songs and danced. One honorable young lad, 8-year-old Ryan Richie, was so inspired by all the performances that he stripped off all his clothes and sacrificed himself to a really friggen hungry-ass bear.

"It blows me away to know that my young boy was finally listening for a change," said Ryan's mother, Linda Jackson, a 43-year-old mother of four and a longtime PETA activist who has dedicated her life to making humans feel like shit to make up for the one time her puppy was run over by a "drunk on evil" driver thirty years ago. "It's regrettable that my little Ry Ry was too stubborn to heed the words of Jesus or do his damn chores, but, by golly, at least he knew deep in his heart just how worthless he was in the grand scheme of things."

Unfortunately, the serene festivities came to a tragically early halt approximately an hour before their scheduled conclusion due to the raucous protests of Jack McLoughlin, a 24-year-old college student from the University of Portland who drove to the funeral with his girlfriend Lauren to protest what he felt was some seriously backwards-ass shit.

"Man, what the flying f**k is wrong with you people?" Jack yelled at the crowds of parents and kids as his girlfriend Lauren waved her right-hand index finger at them in an extremely self-righteous way.

"We're not the ones to blame here! This cougar took the lives of Keenan Heidebrink, his wife Amy and their three children, Cornelius, Erwin and Marlana! Where's their funeral? And yeah, I know it was just mindlessly defending itself from what it felt was a threat, but that doesn't excuse it for what it did, and it certainly doesn't make us liable. So shut the f**k up and get a grip!"

Mark continued with his lunatic-like rants and raves until a mob of enraged parents and kids finally jumped him, dragged him and his girlfriend off the stage and fed them to the aforementioned still really-friggen-hungry-ass bear.

"I hate people like that," said Dwight Johnson, a 56-year-old father of two who helped participate in the plot to feed the bear with Jack and Lauren's evil limbs. "You know, we're out here trying to educate our children and teach them just a little damn thing about the cycle of life--like the way we suck and everything else, including flies and cougars, are so much better than us--and here comes an asshole and his loose as a goose girlfriend to ruin it."

Thankfully, Jack and Lauren's ridiculous words had no effects on the kids, as is evident by the brilliantly said words of Geraldine's granddaughter, Moesha:

"I'm going to sacrifice myself to feed that still hungry bear."

Upon hearing what Moesha said, Geraldine cried . . . she cried tears of joy.

Moral of the story: After a man was killed earlier this week by a bear in Yellowstone National Park, the comments that littered the web showed more concern for the stupid-ass bear's well-being than for the man who was killed. And well, that annoyed me.