Kieala's Blog #4

So I'm going to drift away a little today and talk more about me...who I am. One of my doctors, Dr. Gerri, asked me what do I like about myself? Personally, I don't understand the question. I guess if I had to give an answer I'd say that I like my intelligence. I like that I'm a beautiful person, not just physically, but on the inside. I like that I have pretty eyes, I like that I have the ability to make friends....blah, blah, blah...

As I'm writing that I'm thinking...I don't think that's what Dr. Gerri was asking. But how do you answer a question like that? I'm trying to get over Mr. Ex, how does what I like about myself help me to move on? Maybe in reality I don't like much about myself, could that be why I can't just walk away from Mr. Ex and forget about him and say "his loss"?

Yes I'm through with love, but only because I'm mad, will I change my mind in a couple of weeks and then be blowing up his phone, calling all times of the night. Leaving him 1,000 voicemails at 1pm after I've had one too many drinks? Will I continue to ride pass his house just to see if he's home? Calling him and then when he picks up have some "love song" playing to let him know just how I'm feeling at that time?

This game we play called Love, is a very hard game to master. If I become one of these women with "standards" then I'll probably end up alone for the rest of my life. If I become one of these women that "compromises", then I'll probably end up with someone that I know could do better, but he's really a nice guy so I settle. And then last but not least, which is the worst of them all. If I become one of these women that let's love get the best of her and lose all self-respect, self-esteem, and self-worth, then I'll end with a "knuckle-head" who will probably give me a knuckle head.

So what are the options? I'm seeing with love there's no guarantee, its russian roulette, you're giving someone a handgun to your heart. If you're lucky you'll never get to that bullet - but most of us has had the bullet in the heart multiple times. So our perception of what love is suppose to be is so dead - six feet into the ground with the headstone reading, "R.I.P. TO THE WOMAN WHO ONLY WANTED REAL LOVE."

So back to the question, "What do I like about myself?" I still don't know how to answer. Can you answer the question? I'd love to hear your response. Maybe if somebody could tell me what they liked about themselves, then I'll probably be able to figure out what I like about myself. Then when I figure out what I like about myself will it help me in the area of love? Will it help me determine if I really need love in the first place? Will it help me realize that tv, books, and the world that surrounds me, has just really hyped up this love thing and made it seem like something you just have to have and realize that I really don't want it at all- all because I've found out what I like about myself?

Because when I think about it I thought my ex was a good man. We dated for three years, which I thought were three goods years. We talked about getting married, he treated me with the utmost respect, showed me things that no other man ever did. But yet love failed. How does that happen? If I knew what I liked about myself before I meet him, would that have stopped me from dating him and wasting my time? I doubt it...but maybe so.....

OK this conversation is getting a little too deep for me right now. I might have to revisit it at another time, when I figure out what I like about myself.

So this is my life...thanks for listening...I'll be in contact....