Kieala's Blog #9

So.....single...after a few weeks of letting this marinate in my mind...I'm liking the term. I do what I want, date who I want, and just be me. I'm just having fun!!

Mr. AJ and I went on a date over the weekend. We went to Red Lobster - I had to sort of laugh to myself, because he thought he was really taking me somewhere when we got there. I'll never forget Mr. Handsome, he really wined and dined me, and I don't think no one will be able to show me as much of a good time as he did. Dinner with AJ was quiet we really didn't talk about much, except he went on about his baby mama and how, "She ain't letting me see my kids." I wonder why?? I can see right now Mr. AJ isn't going to last long, one of my doctor's was right he is sort of dull, but right now I don't mind the company. I'll kick with him until he gets dry and then I'll just stop calling. After getting our bellies full we went to a local night club. We found a cozy table in the corner and sat and had a few drinks; after letting the drinks get into our systems and we got a little warm and went out on the dance floor.

As we were dancing I keep noticing that someone was bumping into me, at first I thought I was imagining things because I was a little tipsy, but then I realized that these bumps were becoming more deliberate. So I turned around ready to go off on the heifer I thought it was that was bumping into me....and to my surprise it was him...Mr. Ex!!! Now you know I haven't seen him since our last encounter together and everything that I was trying to let go and forget about rushed through my mind. It was like someone sat me down and flashed everything we'd ever been through in front of me.

I turned back to Mr. AJ and told him let's go back to our table. So as we sat, I had one eye on Mr. AJ and one eye on the ex across the room. As AJ was going on about something about the dress I had on that night, I was watching the ex and thinking, why did I have to run into him? As I noticed the ex heading towards the restroom area, I quickly interrupted AJ and excused myself to head in the same direction.

As I walked towards the rest room I kept my eyes on him; I wanted to make sure that when I got in his path that he was aware of me. As I was getting closer, he caught a glimpse of me and stared...I acted like I didn't see him and keep proceeding right to the ladies room. As I passed him, I felt this strong hand around my right arm pulling me back. He said, "So you're just going to ignore me and act like you didn't see me huh?" I told him, "Isn't that what you did when I was at your apartment building a few weeks ago and you wouldn't come to the door nor answer your phone?" He let me go and I went into the restroom.

While in the restroom, I just stared at myself in the mirror. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even explain to myself why it was even important that he saw me. I guess half of me was happy to see him again and the other half of me was wishing I was strong enough to put my hands around his neck and render him unconscious. After a few minutes I gathered myself together and gained courage to leave the restroom. He was still there...so I made up in my mind at that moment that I wasn't going to give him any more of my time. But of course he didn't let me get far, once again he asked if I was going to talk to him...I simply told him that I had nothing else to say to him and walked back to AJ. It felt kinda good; for once in this drama with the ex, it felt like I had the upper hand on him.

When I got back to the table AJ told me he thought I got lost and said he was going to come searching for me if I hadn't showed up in the next few minutes. I told him everything was cool, but it wasn't. The encounter with the ex left me uninterested in the rest of the date. I told AJ let just call it a night and asked him to take me home. He was noticeably concerned, but I reassured him that he wasn't him; I just wanted to go in early. He reluctantly agreed and that was the night.

My mind was racing that night when I got home. Just when I was getting over him, he just had to pop back up. Just when I was excepting the situation, he comes back and gives me something to think about. Mr. Ex called me a few times the next day, but I didn't answer and I didn't return his phone calls. Although part of me hates his guts right now, it's another part of me that still loves him....my weak heart. And I don't trust that part of me right now. At that moment of seeing him at the night club, I realized that my heart can still be easily influences by the perfect and right words from him. It took a lot out of me not to call him, so to avoid going backwards, I called the first person that popped into my mind...Mr. Handsome.

He was very happy to hear from me. He was telling me about this black and white gala that his firm was going to be hosting in a few weeks and he asked me to be his date. I didn't give him an answer I told him I had to think about it. I gave him a silly excuse that I had nothing to wear to an extravagant event of the kind, thinking that would get me out of it, but to my surprise he offered to take me shopping to find the dress...I told him I still had to think about it. Is it me or does it seems like Mr. Handsome is feeling me?

Although in the beginning, I was really feeling Mr. Handsome and I some what do still find him very interesting, but I realize that I really don't want to be in a relationship right now. I really just want to just be free. I've been hanging out and just having fun by myself, on my on clock and by my own rules. I know some of you believe that I shouldn't date, and maybe it's because you think that I'm looking for a relationship, but that's not what it's about. I'm not going to let what the ex did to me put me under a rock until I'm feeling better. I'm not going to isolate myself from the world just because of one jerk. In my case, time doesn't heal all wounds, moving on and exploring my options does.

I don't know what life has ahead of me, but I'm not going to experience it as the old Kieala. The old me was reserved and caution. The old me didn't put myself out there...this explains why the only friend I had in the world is now dead and I have no one else to turn to. I no longer have anyone to hold my hand through life, that's what my best friend did for me. I want to party more, meet more people and do more things.

This is my life...thanks for listening...I'll be in contact...