Kim the Bagger: a Synopsis of an Epic Tale

Every so often, the cashiers of a certain grocery store enjoy the rare occasion of having Kim the Bagger bundle their customers' groceries. I say that they "enjoy" this event largely because it is like seeing lightening strike someone: it happens once in a lifetime and it's not always a pretty sight. And yet, one is still somewhat thankful of having a chance to see someone struck by lightening because the event--if nothing else--provides interesting fodder for story-telling. Such it is with Kim the Bagger.

No one knows for sure how long Kim has worked as a bagger at the grocery store. It could be fifteen years.....it could be thirty. Who knows? No one does--largely because Kim is immortal. Yep. She doesn't age. And this is because she spends the majority of her time on the clock in . . . Kim's World. How do I know this? Well, one day.....a few months ago......I was curious about Pat's wanderings throughout the store. And I followed her . . . to Kim's World.

My shift had started around ten AM and when I looked at the clock, I noticed that I was due for a break. I had known Kim was "manning" the bagging areas of other registers, but I hardly noticed her. She--after all--never bagged for me. And when the spirit moved her to walk my way, I would always experience a slight chill along the back of my neck--a chill that I rarely wanted to remember or acknowledge. I didn't know what she did to illicit that kind of reaction from me.....maybe it was her wavy grey mullet.....or the the faint glow that radiated out of her eyes when she pointed to an item and grunted for me to pass it down to her. Her gruff voice certainly didn't help.

Kim.....like a blazing comet.... disappears just as quickly as she appears when she is at work. And my reaction to her--as described above--is not extraordinary. Many people in our world have similar moments of distress when they encounter her. But--you see--we rarely encounter her. That is the crux of the matter. While at work, she disappears.....and no one EVER knows where she goes. Nobody. Ever. Does. Until now.....

When I punched out for my break that fateful day, I looked around and saw Kim saunter across the front end of the store. I was curious, so I followed her. I had to see where she disappeared to while at work. I kept a safe distance from her as she passed the service desk. None of the coordinators bothered to ask where she was going--no one asked this of her anymore....people simply let Kim roam the aisles at her leisure. So...today was no different.....

Kim ghosted through the produce area and went to the back of the store through the swinging door by the deli. Close at her heels, I followed. When I walked through the door, I saw Kim standing in front of the bailing machine. She took a silver, bedazzled key out of her back pocket and unlocked the gate of the apparatus. I wondered why she was back here....at the bailer.....without any boxes to place in the machine. And then I saw something that almost made me cry out for help:

Using her cat-like agility, Kim hoisted herself into the bailing machine. I looked to my left, hoping someone else had seen this.....and when I looked back and prepared to scream at Kim to stop....I saw that she was gone. She wasn't there! Where was she? I crept closer, expecting her to jump out and grunt some kind of "boo!" at me. But she wasn't there.....only boxes. As I looked into the machine, I saw something shiny portrude from the wall. It was some kind of doorknob.....the size of a quarter. Interesting....

I couldn't help myself....even though I only had ten more minutes on my break.....I crawled in. As I wrestled with a few Charmin boxes, I reached for the knob and pulled. And I was instantly sucked into a kind of tube--moving at lightening-fast speed. A worm hole? A large slide? No. None of these fit. It felt more like some kind of psychedilic trip. Glitter and bright lights and swirly musical sounds surrounded me as I descended to an unknown destination. I could hear the Lovin' Spoonful's "Do You Believe in Magic?" and I somehow felt very calm, despite the fact that I was rushing at warp speed, listening to a crappy song from the sixties. And then.....bump! I was on the ground. But it wasn't really "the ground." It was fluffy and soft and....well, it felt like a cloud. I couldn't tell. Was I in Heaven? Did someone push the green button on the bailer to flatten me along with the Charmin boxes? No, I still felt alive. I mean, I was still wearing my Giant Eagle uniform and I simply hoped that I wouldn't be wearing that to Heaven. No....this was something different....whatever this was.....

And then I saw her....there was Kim. But wait, there was another Kim....and then another....and another......

I looked around and saw many Kims. There was Kim with a wife-beater on and no bra. There was Kim with really inappropriate shorts. There was Kim with glasses. There was Kim with a skimpy dress. What was going on? Where was I? I couldn't discern which Kim was the Kim that I had followed....they had the same face.....the same walk....they all talked with grunts and gestures. I couldn't resist.....I had to ask what was going on.....

"Excuse me....um....Kim? Uh....are you Kim?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm Kim," was an answer given by twenty of the hundred women loitering around me.

"Well, how can you all be Kim? I mean, are you clones or something?"

"Ahem. No, they're not clones. They are my robots," somebody said. I saw the army of Kims start to separate to create a path for someone walking toward me. "They are robots created by me. I am the real Kim. And this place you have jumped into is my world....Kim's World." As this was said, an older-looking woman shuffled into view and stopped five feet from me. She wore glasses and a smart-looking emerald-hued Chanel suit, and her elegant white hair was pinned at the nape of her neck. She motioned for me to walk beside her out of hearing range from the Kims.

"I don't like talking about this too much in front of the Kim-bots. They get kind of sensitive about the topic of their creation. So, please....join me for a short walk around my digs." As she said this, a sprawling ranch-level glasshouse seemed to appear out of nowhere and we walked through the front door....which was red with white trim. She steered me to the living room and pointed to a purple bean bag. "Can I get you some tea?" she asked. I declined....not trusting what this stranger would concoct in her glass-enclosed kitchen. "So be it. But it's great tea...."

She gingerly sat down in the brown chair opposite from me. I could still see the Kim-bots assembled, but they seemed closer--as if they were standing around the house. "Oh, don't worry about them. I see the concern in your face. They won't hurt you. And they can't hear us. The glasshouse is sound-proof. And the Kim-bots are hard of hearing, anyway. They aren't perfect. As I'm sure you know...."

I nodded. She was right.....whatever those beings were outside of the house....they weren't perfect. And...they were hard of hearing.....or at least the one that I worked with was....

"So, can you tell me what the hell is going on here? I mean, I just got sucked through a tube, listening to a crappy sixties tune, and now I am sitting in a purple bean bag....in a glasshouse....with a bunch of Kim-bots standing around it."

"What? You didn't like the Lovin' Spoonful tune? That's the Kim-bots' favorite. It relaxes them and makes them smile. I think it's catchy. I would have picked the Partridge Family's "I Think I Love You," but when I played it for the first Kim-bot, she nearly shattered my house. She kept screaming. And then I realized that David Cassidy's voice sounded like dying kittens to her. And Kim loves kittens. Well, of course....all of the Kim-bots love kittens. And ferrets. They like ferrets....."

"Ahem. I'm sorry.....but I have got to be back to my register.....like fifteen minutes ago....." I interrupted.

"Oh, well, I'll be brief then. Because, I am sure, you want an explanation as to what I am doing here with all of these Kims."

"Well, a long time ago....I began working at the store....this was in 1950. I was kind of young then. And I was a bagger. I loved it. I loved bagging. But, you see...I was working as a secret spy, too. My handlers thought that the best cover for me was working as a bagger at a small regional market. And so, I obeyed their suggestion and became a bagger for a short while. But I soon took a job as a MASH nurse over in Korea. I became quite familiar with humanity's physiology and anatomy in the surgery tents of Korea. And it was in Korea that I realized my adeptness for creating artificial intelligence. Well, it actually wasn't Korea....it was China.....Yeah, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but....I kind of created a robotic version of Mao Tse Tung. Yeah. The Chairman who met Nixon nearly two decades later was actually a robot. Oh, and so was Kruschev....and so was Ho Chi Minh. Yeah. A lot of the temperamental leaders of Communist countries in the Eastern Hemisphere have been robots of my creation.

When I created Mao, I really didn't realize how it had happened at first....but the first model was crude as I'm sure you know.....Mao was one baddie.....but I eventually got better....created better models.....if you call the Governator a better model...........but I never created Kim Jong Ill. He's 100-percent alien.

You might be wondering why a super-spy would create robots. Well, I did it to preserve the balance of power throughout the world. The U.S. could not be successful without another power to serve as its enemy. Without a "bad, undemocratic" enemy, the U.S. would not have the necessary ying to make its yang seem so great and wonderful. For good to exist, evil must also exist. And....so....I created polarizing characters to contrast with the "good people."

Anyway, when I came back to the store in 1953, I was amazed at how things had changed. McCarthyism was ebbing a bit, and I felt like I was starting to get old. And then 1960 came and I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't work for a government that was constantly wanting me to work as a bagger AND create people to make its political system seem more favorable. And I hated Kennedy. What a jerk. He kept wanting me to create several versions of Marilyn Monroe so all of the male Kennedys could have a toy. And I couldn't do that. I wouldn't. So.....I created this alternate world.....and I made many versions of.....me.

You see....the Kim-bots are what I looked like when I dropped out of the world in 1962. I made some adjustments to make them seem as if they have aged through the years, but those changes are minor. As you can see.....I have aged far more rapidly.

But their age is both constant and enigmatic---no one knows or seems to care how old Kim is. And each robot represents a different Kim.....there is Kim who goes to pick up a few things at the store.....there is Kim who goes to the store to pick up her check.. Yep, I have created many Kims.

"So, what you're saying is.....you are a mad scientist whose daily routine consists of monitoring the comings and goings of Kim the Bagger?" I asked.

"Yes, that's part of it. I mean, sometimes I have my fun with presidents' gaffs and mistakes. My latest practical joke had something to do with Obama's teleprompter....and then there was the one where I switched those hanging chads around in Florida in 2000. Eight years of George W.......now that was a hoot, don't you think?"

"Wow. Are you telling me that you're responsible for the voting problem in 2000?" I asked.

"Well, not ALL of it. But, maybe a good bit. You see, I don't just create artificial intelligence for any little reason.....Oh, and just so you know-- G-Dub wasn't one of mine....he's completely organic....100-percent, homegrown idiot." "Barbara Bush....yes, she's one of mine."

"Oh, okay. Interesting. Well, so....why did you make the Kim-bots seem so unfriendly and rude to coworkers and customers?" I inquired.

"Hmmmmm. I guess it all goes back to my first robot--the Chairman. I like to create the world's yings so that yangs can exist. It's a habit for me to create disgruntled, bitter, and very mysterious beings so that others can shine. Kim's existence at the store is needed for other employees to look even better. I mean, I'm going to be honest.... I won't name anyone in particular....but....let's get real.....you need Kim the Bagger so that Jane the Cashier will seem super-sweet, super efficient, et cetera."

"Ohhhhhhhh. That makes a lot of sense. I'm glad you explained this all to me. But I'm really going to be late.....I've been here for at least an hour, and my manager is going to be very upset. I really have to go."

"Okay, then. I hope that you don't tell anyone about the porthole in the bailer. I must keep my work a secret. I'm working on the 2012 candidate for president in my robot shop and I just don't want anyone snooping around."

"Can I know who it is?" I asked.

"Nope. I can't tell you that. But I can say that she/he may or may not be able to see Russia from her/his house."

"Hmmmmm, I have no clue who that is. Oh, well. She's probably really smart and savvy, whoever she/he is," I said.

"Well, let's get you back to work. I'll send Kim a few minutes after you. This Kim-bot is the one wearing a wrist brace.....I want to make it seem like she went somewhere to get a brace for her hand."

"Which reminds me.......why do you have the Kim-bots leave their posts all of the time?"

"She needs to constantly be recharged every thirty minutes. That's why I have ten models for the shifts alone. She has to 'mysteriously' disappear quite often."

"Oh, that makes sense. I get it now. Anyway, how do I get back?" I asked.

"Well, all you have to do is follow that orange path there to the left of my house. You'll start to feel yourself floating and then just remember to hold on tight. You'll get to the store soon enough. Just follow the signs to save big! Vaya con Dios!"

"Thanks for telling me about the Kim-bots. That explains everything....or most of it. Good luck with the 2012 candidate. See ya."

I walked along the orange path and started to float upwards. And then I was speeding along in the same manner as when I entered the door in the bailer. This time, I heard Sammy Davis Jr's "The Candyman" as I sped along the route. Before I could start singing along, I was instantly on my feet, walking out of the dairy freezer. I closed the door behind me. And walked toward the front of the store. I was certain that my manager was going to kill me......

I rushed past registers 13....12....11....10....9....and......

"What are you doing still walking around up here? Aren't you going on your break?" someone asked.

"What are you talking about? I just did. I've been gone for an hour," I responded.

"Are you on crack? You just punched out!"

When I looked at the clock, I realized that he was right. I concluded that time moved at a different rate in Kim's World.

As I walked over to the window to finish the rest of my break, I passed Kim the Bagger. And....I could swear that I saw a small smirk form on her lips as she glided past me to bag at register ten.