King Tut & the Cheeseheads

You know that feeling? Too much information, too fast? I don't know about you, but I'm still trying to figure out exactly what happened where. Odd times, lately, in Egypt's capital (Madison) and in Cairo, the capital of Wisconsin. I think I got that right, but it's all pretty confusing.

It's been one of those weird times where, if you tried to watch the events unfold on the TV news, you actually ended up more confused than if you'd just left the TV off. And our Intelligence Community seemed more confused than us, if that's even mathematically possible. Hang on, and we'll try to distill it all for you.

First, protestors swarmed the streets in Egypt (or maybe it was Wisconsin). They were complaining about food, I think. Or pensions, maybe. Or freedom.

Now, right away, I'd noticed a potential problem with the protests that were popping up in Egypt. All the protesters were gathered in Cairo's Tahrir Square. But Tahrir Square's not a square ... it's round. That's never going to work! They need to go get some corners! Some edges! You can't hate people in a circle!

See, people in Wisconsin would never make such a mistake. Americans may not know much, but we know how to hate, and how to tailgate. And that's why all countries on Earth need to join the NFL.

Next, pro-whatever and anti-something-I-forget-already riots broke out in Egypt and other places, including Kuwait, Djibouti, Tunisia, Threenisia, Fournisia and a University of Wisconsin frat house. A museum, a popular micro-brewery, several historic buildings and a dorm's Laundromat were stormed and looted, resulting in several extremely indignant coeds, damage to four beer kegs, and the re-death of two mummies. Fortunately, the kegs were saved.

NBC reported that Egypt's President had resigned. FoxNews reported that Egypt's President had agreed to resign. CNN reported that Egypt's President had vowed never to resign. MSNBC reported that FoxNews had resigned. The Huffington Post reported that Glenn Beck had invaded Egypt. Local news teams reported that the Wisconsin state legislature had apparently resigned, and abdicated. Wisconsin's Governor was captured on camera, looking resigned.

As the situations worsened, the American President flew off to some place to stand in front of some things and read some stuff to some group, and to sneak a quick cigarette. The spokesman for the White House, who was himself about to resign, released the following, powerful, history-making statement: "Well, we'll just have to wait and see."

Due to a garbled miscommunication, US Intelligence issued a "fire at will" command, intended to take out any badger mascots or rogue Egyptian schoolteachers spotted north of Cairo, Illinois.

In a news fluff piece, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fondly recalled the time she was trapped under heavy incoming fire at Kuwait's O'Hare airport.

Since it had been nearly ten minutes since his last speech, the American President flew off to some place, stood in front of some stuff, and read some advice: Egypt's President needed to "listen to the wishes of his citizens."

I nearly fell off the couch. That's like Richard Simmons chiding somebody for wearing gym shorts on national TV.

Egypt's President responded to the Wisconsin teacher strike by publicly beheading a badger. He then threatened to withhold much-needed food from those who continued to protest in the streets, and he began rationing beef. This was a clear case of despot culling the cattle back, and if you can think of a worse pun than that, you win.

Next, in Wisconsin, the theory is that thousands of schoolteachers simultaneously ate some bad egg salad, forcing them all to call in sick on the same day. The tainted egg salad also manifested as some form of mass psychosis in these truants, causing every single educator to stagger, like so many tenured zombies, down to the state capital, where they begin screaming out random verb conjugation exercises.

Due to a garbled miscommunication, US Intelligence recalled the entire Fifth Fleet from Bahrain, redeployed them down the Saint Lawrence Seaway, and enforced a blockade on the Erie Canal.

Back in the Middle East, an entire political party from Wisconsin defected to either Djibouti, or Illinois. They holed up in a Best Eastern hotel room, where they spent the rest of the weekend calling room service and demanding free, taxpayer-funded shawarmas, or at least some of those Hot Pocket thingies.

NBC announced that Egypt's President had left the country. FoxNews announced that he had refused to leave the country. CNN announced that he had been spotted at the edge of the Red Sea, sporting a thick, fake beard and wildly waving a staff. MSNBC announced that "Hosni Mubarak" can be rearranged to spell "Main Okra Bush." The NY Times announced that Mubarak's cabinet, who had collectively resigned yesterday, quickly un-resigned when they got an inter-office memo titled, "How To Prepare Your Private Parts For The Mummification Process."

Due to a garbled miscommunication, US Intelligence stormed dozens of Quilts 'R' Us outlets, hoping to root out clandestine cells associated with something called the Muslin Brotherhood.

And then, suddenly, Egypt's President changed his mind and resigned, possibly due to some bad egg salad. His hastily-appointed interim Vice President was named Hussein, which apparently happens a lot in the Middle East. Think of it as their 5,000-year-old equivalent to, oh, say, Wisconsin's "Bob."

And, given the kind of week it had been, within fifteen minutes, somebody tried to shoot him.

And, of course, fifteen seconds after that, everybody in "official" Washington had to log their "professional" comments.

Stern-Faced But Benign On-Air News Personality: "Your comments on this assassination attempt directed at Egypt's new VP?"
Hillary: "I think that brings into sharp relief the challenges we face navigating this period."
Homeland Security: "The what? Who shot what who?"
Robert "Obviously" Gibbs: "I'm obviously not going to get into, um, that is. We fully, um, to it."
President Barack "Bob" Obama: "I protected him with my force field. Rise, my people."
Vice President Joe "Bleep" Biden: "Hillary did it. And it's a big (bleep) deal."
News Personality: "Back to you, Biff."

Odd times, indeed. So let's review where things stood, at that point, here on our little blue marble.

In Wisconsin, thousands of benefit-challenged schoolteachers were in the capital city, Tel Aviv, standing outside, freezing, and yelling. In Egypt's capital city, Milwaukee, thousands of meat-challenged people who were not named Bob were standing outside, not freezing, but yelling anyway. Somewhere in a Bahrain hotel, the members of half a state legislature were still getting paid, and racking up huge trans-generational debt in the form of pay-per-view cable movies. And in schools all across Wisconsin, thousands of unmonitored students were going all "Lord of the Flies," eating fast food, shunning vegetables, texting words like "r" and "2", and generally rushing headlong towards a dumb-downed life of doubt, distrust and loathing.

But, like most things, it's not all gloom and doom. Dark cloud, silver lining, all that rot. Remember, Egypt's temporary leader is named Hussein.

See? How cool is that! So is ours!

And Egypt's Hussein is clever, too. Using some stashed billions that had been "liberated" from US foreign aid, Hussein bought a Cleanup & Restoration company, sprayed some of their clean-up chemicals all up and down the Nile, and now all is well again.

In Egypt. Not in Wisconsin.

US Foreign Aid -- Like It Never Even Happened.