Knowing What to Say to Your Military Spouse Friend

Sometimes we never know the right thing to say when we have a close relative or friend who is getting ready to see their military husbands or wives off. It's a very uncomfortable position, especially when you're not in their shoes. You want to be there for that man or woman and at the same time let it be known that you're simply there for them. It's common in human nature to think that we have all the answers. In this case, it's best to know the right and wrong things to say. Here are some examples of what I've actually heard as a military wife:

He's not going to Iraq. This is missing the point. Yes, we worry about the safety of our husbands or wives overseas; at the same time, we're not sleeping with them every night. We're not picking up the phone to tell them to pick up eggs at the grocery store. The normalcy of everyday routine becomes null and void. The husband or wife at home has to adapt to life without his or her loved one from weeks to months at a time. Another thing-there is a common misconception to the civilian thinking that a soldier needs to be in combat in order to be in danger. There are also possibilities of deaths due to human error or mechanical failures.

He will only be gone for a couple months. The duration of the deployment could be one week, as it can sometimes be, and it will still take time to adjust. Just imagine for one minute being away from your civilian spouse for that long. Even picturing it doesn't equate to how it really feels. If you live in a not-so-good neighborhood, paranoia sets in. You'll find yourself wanting to learn how to fire a weapon or keeping a phone and pepper spray under your pillow. If you have a child(ren), the fear escalates. It helps having a large dog in this case. They can be the best protectors! Instead of saying how their loved one will only be away for a shorter amount of time, make a helpful suggestion.

I miss my lover. Gee, pour some more salt in the wound. Your lover is working late? He or she is on a vacation with his or her parents? We understand you miss your significant other, but when your military spouse friend's lover is overseas they are going through far worse. Hearing this will only make them angry at you. Unlike the typical civilian lifestyle, military spouses only have e-mail to immediately contact each other and are lucky if they hear right back. They are also lucky if they receive a phone call from overseas as the prices per minute are staggering. I have, however, fellow military spouse friends who were lucky to have their spouse easily accessible to a phone. This is a one in a million chance.

All they had were letters back in the day. This example is probably the best out of the examples, because those ladies give me much encouragement. If you're a military spouse and know of an elder military spouse, talk to her. They are the best people to talk to, although some are pretty rough around the edges! I still don't think it's THE best thing to say. When I hear someone tell me this, I can only think of True, but this is the present time and I just want them here. It sounds selfish since our men and women are fighting to defend us and are devoting TREMENDOUS sacrifices, one including long durations away from family.

From this, I want you to keep in mind what your words translate into when conversing with your military-spouse friend. Being there for him or her is all they need. They want friends and family around reminding them that everything will be okay. So, when he or she tells you they're going through a rough spot from the deployment, say something along the lines of, "I'm here for you" or " I'm sorry to hear you're going through this" and give them a hug.