Kucinich Watch: Why Dennis Should Never Be President

It's madness to support Dennis Kucinich for President, since he clearly represents a tremendous danger to the future of America as we know it.

First of all, Dennis Kucinich is short. Now, how can you expect the leader of the free world to impress our enemies if he's only 5'7"? True, we've had short presidents before, some of whom have performed perfectly well in that role. John Adams, John Quincy Adams, and William McKinley were the same height as Dennis; Benjamin Harrison, Martin Van Buren and James Madison were even shorter (Madison was the munchkin President at less than 5'4"). And don't get me started about Dennis's large ears. The last president with such impressive ears was Lyndon B. Johnson, but at least he was nice and tall to make up for it (over 6'3"). What could little Dennis be thinking, running for President with those humongous things sticking out of his head?

Then there's the matter of Dennis's gorgeous young English wife with the infamous tongue stud. Now, how can the United States possibly tolerate a First Lady who's smart, hip, beautiful, statuesque, and has a cool British accent? What would the world think of us?

To add insult to injury, Dennis has been divorced twice. What kind of president can't stay married to the same woman? Ronald Reagan, for one. And don't forget all those so-called monogamous presidents who had lovers and mistresses stashed away and did such a dreadful job leading our country because of it, like FDR, Eisenhower, JFK, and Bill Clinton. We can't have a President who loves women, can we?

What about his shady past history? Didn't Dennis Kucinich bankrupt Cleveland when he was its "boy mayor"? Who did he think he was, challenging the private company that wanted to take over the city's power system? Nobody does that. Corporations exist to run the world and everyone in it. You never question their (profit) motives. So how did Dennis handle the situation? He didn't sell the city's power to the company, the banks then refused to roll over Cleveland's pre-Mayor Kucinich debt, and-horrors!-the residents of Cleveland ended up saving millions on their electric bills. Yeah, he really wrecked Cleveland with those pesky principles of his. He even got an embarrassing commendation from the Cleveland City Council in 1998 thanking him for saving the city back in 1977. Doesn't Dennis know that politicians aren't supposed to act on their principles?

And speaking of principles, Dennis actually believes that peace is more important than war. Talk about a ludicrous idea! He wants to create a Department of Peace. How hippie, how New Age, how out of touch he is! Presidents don't talk to their enemies, they bomb them. They even find excuses to bomb people who aren't their enemies, because what they really want are their resources, i.e., oil. War is a profit-making venture. Why can't Dennis just follow the Program?

And what's with that rumor about Dennis formerly being anti-choice and then becoming pro-choice? Can't the man make up his mind about reproductive ethics? Well, apparently he listens to women, which is pretty suspicious right there, and they gave him an earful about the importance of having control over your own body. And so he switched to favoring reproductive choice, with an emphasis on the availability of sex education and birth control to prevent as many abortions as possible. How wishy washy can Dennis be?

What about the media buzz that Dennis is actually a socialist, which of course is one slippery step from being a communist, and we all know where that leads? In his stands on the issues, he resembles that wild-eyed socialist President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who inspired a constitutional amendment limiting presidents to two terms after he was elected for the fourth time because Americans liked him so much. Dennis is particularly suspect because, like FDR, he supports Social Security, unions, and helping the poor and middle class through government assistance. And he favors a single-payer not-for-profit health insurance program that was recently endorsed by that infamous socialist troublemaker Michael Moore.

Dennis is so radical that he wants NAFTA repealed in order to save jobs for Americans. He voted against the Patriot Act because he actually believes in the Constitution and Bill of Rights, and against the invasion of Iraq because he's against illegal, preemptive wars. I mean, where will his dangerous ideas end?

But if there's anything about Dennis that screams unamerican, it's that he's a vegan. How can all those bloated, pill-popping, red-blooded, patriotic Americans who worship at fast food meccas like McDonald's and KFC possibly vote for someone who is trim, healthy, looks much younger than his years, and chooses to eat tofu burgers? I mean, really! Enough is enough!

But wait, there's more! Dennis has written a book, due out in November, about his impoverished childhood and entry into politics, "The Courage to Survive", in a shameless effort to get the attention of voters, and has appeared on Jay Leno just like any other celebrity huckster in order to promote it. Does this man have no ethics?

To sum it up, Dennis Kucinich is not the sort of person any 21^st century American who has totally forgotten our country's democratic origins and proud history would want in the Oval Office. You should only support him if you remember them and want them back.