Kwanzaa Cake by Sandra Lee and Other Edible Hate Crimes

I adore Sandra Lee and Semi Homemade, really I do. I applaud the Food Network for managing to keep this show on the air because it's a laugh a minute as long as you don't take her too seriously. An early classic was her Holiday Show and you should take a look at the recipes and the ever so hilarious Kwanzaa cake here: www.foodnetwork.com/food/show_sh/episode/0,1976,FOOD_14521_28199,00.html Google Kwanzaa cake and you find blogs, articles and post after post about her show. (Thank you to the person who describes her Kwanzaa cake as an "edible hate crime"-- too funny) Not only does she manage to insult those who celebrate Kwanzaa, but also show her utter stupidity about Chanukkah and Jewish food taboos. I believe now that Food Network is in on the joke and lets her stay on the air simply because she brings the funny.

So let's explore this classic holiday show, it's recipes, and her cluelessness shall we? Let us begin with probably the least offensive recipe in which she really doesn't cook anything at all but assembles food. The Classic Holiday Wreath Cake is found here: www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_25302,00.html .
This was when she was in the midst of a weird purchased angel food cake obsession. The Wreath cake is simply an angel food cake covered with frosting that you must tint yourself; coconut, apparently for that tropical Christmas; and decorations. She is so excited about the coconut looking "just like snow". Really? That's not any snow I've seen, but we can cut her a little slack here...since it is white and it is used to represent snow by many home cooks.

On to another recipe using crescent rolls, almond paste, powdered sugar glaze, and sugared fruit. Doesn't sound too bad now does it? It doesn't sound like a recipe off the back of a can of crescent rolls, but maybe someone hasn't seen it before. www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_25301,00.html
It begins with some simply assembly seen at many home cooking parties by The Pampered Chef representatives, arranging cresents into a ring on a baking sheet. Ok, here is where she defies logic as she rolls out almond paste to put into the center of the cresent rolls. You really have to hear it to believe it when she tells us that "if you don't have almond paste you can just use ricotta cheese". What??? Ricotta cheese apparently equals almond paste in Sandra's world. They certainly don't taste the same of have the same texture so I just don't see where this came from. I'm truly shocked she didn't tell us to flavor ricotta cheese with almond extract since she loves to add extracts to vanilla frosting and Cool Whip for that "homemade" taste. She really missed the boat on that one. She covers that poor ring in so much glaze that the glaze is about to flood over the plate. The next part of this food nightmare is dipping fruit into an egg wash and sugar. Sugared fruit can look pretty no doubt, but it needs to come with a warning about the danger of the uncooked eggs. Of course, Ms. Lee has never been one for safety regarding food.

Ok, so let's move on to a simply utterly stupid idea. Sugar Plum Pops: balls of cheesecake on a stick and dipped in chocolate, caramel and nuts. www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_25306,00.html
This recipe uses a prepared cheesecake. Seriously, it really does and you can read the recipe yourself. Oh and this whole cheesecake makes 5 whole Sugar Plum Pops. That's quite a way to waste food lady.

Ok, here they are, what you have all been waiting for: the edible hate crimes; the cakes of cultural insensitivity. The Star of David cake was so bad that people complained and Food Network took the recipe off the episode guide. But don't worry, the idiotic thing is still on the show. Here from her own website, because she is clueless: semihomemade.com/entertaining/10_hanukkah.htm
Looking at the cake on her site gives a little clue as to the stupidity. Look at the picture and try to figure it out before I reveal it. It's a pretty little cake on her site. Oh but look inside the recipe, it's utterly fantastically silly and insulting to many. It begins with another prepared angel food cake and food color in a can of white frosting. Now fill the hole of the angel food cake with, wait for it........marshmallows. The Queen of product placement (seriously, go look at one of her books), neglects to mention that you should look for marshmallows that are free of pork gelatin. Yes that's right, marshmallows are not Kosher...they contain gelatin and most readily available marshmallows are made with pork gelatin. So now cover this wonderful Star of David Cake(her episode guide calls it the Star of David cake, while her website calls it the Star of Hannukah) is inedible at a Jewish gathering, but let's move on to the frosting shall we? Her food isn't meant to be eaten anyway but for decor. Slather the whole thing with the tinted light blue frosting ok? Throw some pearls on a wire around the bottom and stick in a Star of David made from faux pearls. So have you figured out the little clue from the picture? No? Look closely please and count the points on this star. Hers has 7 points showing but a Star of David has six points that symbolize God's rule over the universe in all 6 directions: north, south, east, west, up, and down.

On to my favorite monstrosity, the Kwanzaa Celebration Cake. Oh the utter weirdness of this cake. It delights new viewers every year, and I'm amazed at the surprising number of people that seem to try out this recipe as noted in the recipe reviews. One reviewer took it to a party and said people gagged and spit it out. That's a resounding endorsement for a recipe if I ever heard one. I do have to wonder at the people who actually served this to, well, anyone at all. Did they really believe an angel food cake with chocolate and cinnamon flavored vanilla icing; corn nuts; popcorn; pumpkin seeds; and apple pie filling would taste good? Seriously? Here it is in all it's glory: www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_25303,00.html
Hey! Are you back with me yet or are you still rolling around in the fits of laughter? Yes, you see it right. Those are big taper candles shoved into this poor defenseless cake. A normal person would have found smaller candles or just placed them in holders around the cake, but not our Sandra Lee. You truly must watch this episode as some of what she says just makes it all the more funny. She describes the Corn Nuts as acorns, or more specifically, "eggcorns". How would you like to take a bite of cake and break a tooth? Let's review the utter horror of taste sensations that will enter your mouth if you dare to try this cake: chocolate; cinnamon; canned apple pie filling; Corn Nuts; frosting and angel food cake. Disgusting.

Real foodies and chefs have discovered the clueless Sandra Lee and her show and they are none too impressed. Their descriptions:
Gordon Ramsay about Sandra Lee having a cooking show: "it shouldn't be legal"
The Amateur Gourmet blog: "Sandra Lee makes my teeth hurt"
Anthony Bourdain: "Betty Crocker after a weekend smoking crack"

Go find the Holiday Show for a good pre-holiday laugh.

Happy Holidays everyone!