Ladies, Respect Your Man

I have a casual friend that I share a close mutual friend with. We'll call him Jason, for purposes of anonymity. He's thinking about cheating on his wife, who we'll call Nancy. Although he finds his wife quite attractive, she doesn't respect him. The way that she treats him is driving him away, tempting him to cheat. As a casual observer of their relationship, I have seen several things that Nancy does that bothers her husband. Try to avoid these mistakes, or you might drive your spouse to cheat as well.

Don't Micromanage Your Spouse

Nancy likes to micromanage her husband's life. Jason decided to go back to school a couple of years ago. He needed to buy a computer to get his work done. Even though his financial aid provided enough money for him to buy a computer, his wife wouldn't let him. She told him that they needed to buy things for the house instead. She dictates what he does on the weekends, by either giving tasks for her husband to do around the house, or telling him that he has to go shopping with him (of course, she buys things for herself, but doesn't allow her husband to buy anything).

Jason was getting concerned about his health, and he wanted to start working out with a friend. He fought with his wife for nearly a month over whether she would let him go to the gym or not. She finally said that he could work out once a week.

Support Your Spouse's Work

Jason attends college in the evenings, after spending all day at work. Some of his classes are difficult, and he has to study for them. He asked his wife to help him study for a couple of minutes, and she refused. She didn't have the time for her husband, I suppose. He works hard on projects, and when he finishes, he is proud of what he has done. When he shows it to his wife, she acts like it is no big deal.

He took a class with our mutual friend. My friend lives across town from him, but Nancy won't let her husband meet with his friend at their school or at his friend's house, his friend has to drive to their house. When Jason needed help with a class he was taking last year, his friend had to drive across town to help him. I would think that since our friend was doing Jason a favor, Jason could have driven to his friend's house, but that's not how his wife sees it.

Trust Your Spouse

Nancy doesn't trust her husband. For several years, she has treated him like he might cheat at any moment. Maybe she has a good reason to now, but it wasn't that way a year ago. Jason has been faithful to his spouse since they got married. He still has been faithful, even though he knows a lady that he is considering cheating with. She has always been distrustful of her husband, even though she didn't have a reason to.

When Jason goes to his friend's house to study, his wife calls him several times, just to make sure that he's doing what he is supposed to be doing. She doesn't call him because she misses him, she calls him because she wants to make sure he's not cheating. He has a study session with some (male) classmates of his, and she decided that she was going to come along. I guess he needs a babysitter or something?

Slow Fade

I pray for this couple, but there's not much that I can do for them. Not all the beauty in the world can make up for a disinterested spouse that doesn't respect you, micromanages your every move, always thinks you're going to cheat, and treats you like you need a babysitter. He has already signed up for his own checking account, that he doesn't have sent to his home address, for fear that his wife will find out about it. Now, I don't think that having your own checking account is necessarily a problem. Having to hide what is going on with the account, or even the fact that it exists, is a problem. Unfortunately, it is necessary, because his wife has a shopping addiction, and doesn't leave any money for him to buy the things that he needs.

While this may be an extreme case, it is not an isolated incident. My husband's ex-fiancée was a lot like this. They were together for six years, but her control and distrust drove him away. My husband has had friends of his get married over the years to women with these tendencies, and it drove their friendships apart.

Don't let this happen to you. While cheating on your spouse is always wrong, and there are not always underlying causes, on occasion, sometimes a wife inadvertently drives her husband away. Treat your husband with respect. Have nice things to say about him. If he hasn't given you any reason to distrust him, give him the benefit of the doubt, and don't constantly check to see if he's cheating. If you don't, you might tempt him to actually cheat on you.