Lakisha Jones in Danger of Getting the Idol Boot

Hollywood Shutting Down Restaurants in Emergency Response

Paul Gerke
Lakisha Jones is in danger of being voted off of American Idol Wednesday night. After three consecutive poor performances, Lakisha is the most likely candidate to get the boot when America's votes are tallied for the next show, according to some critics. Jones, who hails from Flint, Michigan, was once hailed by Simon Cowell to be "heads and shoulders above the rest" of the competition. Lakisha finished in the final two vote getters last week, edging out the show's laughingstock Sanjaya Malakar to save herself a spot on the show.

It is uncertain as to how Lakisha fell from greatness in the talent competition. Some analysts say that her song choice has been a big issue of late- without a song that accurately shows off her vocal talents, Jones has been floundering on the show. There is some truth to the idea that Jones is struggling with her song choice- in the last four weeks she has chosen three songs by former American Idol contestants. She has covered songs by Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, and most recently, Fantasia. Since American Idol is an amateur competition by definition, Jones is probably making a big mistake by covering songs by former amateur performers.

It has also come to light recently that some critics believe Lakisha is struggling because she doesn't have the "look" of an American Idol. Jones is known for wearing "moo-moo" style dresses while the rest of the competition dons fashionable and gaudy clothing. Being considerably overweight, Lakisha obviously has trouble sliding into the type of garb that other contestants are wearing. Jones also comes from a poor background, where things like dental insurance and health care are as uncommon as a contestant reaching the final six of American Idol. This does not help her in the grand scheme of things.

Millions of people nationwide follow the American Idol program, and after Tuesday's episode, many of them felt Lakisha would be the next to go. Noting that Jones will likely be upset after being booted off the show, many restaurant owners within a 20-mile radius of the Hollywood, California studio have decided to close their doors for the evening if Lakisha is voted off.

"Most of my perishable stock doesn't arrive until Friday morning," said one manager who wished to remain anonymous. "I don't need Lakisha stampeding in here and shutting down my restaurant- there just won't be enough to go around."

Some restaurants in the Hollywood area are braving the storm and remaining open to the general public Wednesday night. Don Alvarez, the 64-year old owner of "The Star Buffet," is planning to carry out business as usual, despite the storm that many scientists are forecasting as "Hurricane Lakisha". "When my father came to this country, he was not afraid of Mama Cass (who, according to legend, choked on one of the buffet's ham sandwiches)." Alvarez continued to say "I was born here, and if it comes to it, I will die here. I will not abandon my restaurant- it has been good to me and I will go down with it if I must."

We should all wish Lakisha Jones the best of luck Wednesday night.

Published by Paul Gerke

I am a senior broadcasting major. I have been constructing satirical pieces and writing song parodies since I was young. I owned and operated Arabianmonkey.com, which garnered over 1,000,000 page views befor...  View profile

  • Lakisha Jones once consumed a party sub all by herself.
  • Simon Cowell is fearful that when Jones is voted off, he may be trampled to death.
  • I really like Lakisha. For real.

5 Comments

Post a Comment
  • dirtysouth5/10/2007

    Whoever wrote this article is very ignorrant! And Hollywood as well if you have to close your business if Lakisha's voted off idol. Reuben and Taylor weren't too small or fashionable. What does her voice have to do with her appearance? If she can sing, she can sing! Society dictates what's "HOT" and it's wrong. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm HOT and neither does Lakisha. Talent is talent! Keep singing GIRL!!!! Big Ups!!!!!!!!!

  • steve5/3/2007

    Is this for real? Also, I am not into AI, I watch every other week, if we are home and nothing else is on. So pardon the implications of this question: did they play games with the votes? Who would have been sent home the last week, if AI had counted the votes? Did combining the votes from the last two weeks save a show favorite?

  • Paul Gerke4/25/2007

    Of course the restaurants aren't going to close. I'm not sure how to make it more obvious when I'm being satirical- maybe some people need to learn that not everything you read is 100% gospel.

  • The Douginator4/25/2007

    A great article...I laughed many a time

  • Kat4/25/2007

    Is this for real? People are going to close their restaurants because if Lakisha loses she will eat them out of business? For shame on whoever wrote this article. Besides anyone who is a true Idol fan knows that on the night that someone gets kicked off they have a going away dinner for that person. Lakisha's weight or her background has nothing to do with the voting. She is talented..and unfortunatley she just hasn't picked the right songs lately. That is the reason she will probably voted off.

Displaying Comments

To comment, please sign in to your Yahoo! account, or sign up for a new account.