Landlord to Evict Tenant for Being Too Outstanding

Raleigh, NC landlord Lauren Wastl announced to reporters Wednesday afternoon her intention to serve the best tenant she's ever had with an eviction notice. The controversial and completely unexpected move came in response to Lauren, 43, discovering that her tenant has not only been washing his own dishes, but also washing the dishes of the other tenants as well.

"What an altruistic son of a bitch!" Lauren exclaimed to reporters, while simultaneously adjusting her bra with one hand and adjusting her panty hose with the other. "It's one thing to wash your own dishes now and again, which is bad enough, but it's another thing altogether to wash someone else's dishes."

She continued, "Has he no shame!?"

Lauren went on to cite the unnamed tenant's many other party fouls, which included keeping the residence shiny clean, taking out the neighbors' trash, regularly changing the light bulbs, providing the other tenants with free cable and Internet services, and complimenting her on her management skills, which the tenant said were are as "polished as that of an MBA executive."

"What a stinking piece of sissified shit!"

Though Lauren's attitude seems somewhat cruel and unusual in this day and age, what with the rampant rise in spiritual enlightenment and Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavors, it's not abnormal, according to Dr. Bingham Hall, a professor of sociology at the University of California LA.

"I've been studying landlord-tenant relationships for years, and I've discovered that though most landlords claim they want mature and respectful tenants, what they really want are lawless tenants who aren't afraid to treat a residence like they would a porta-potty," Dr. Hall wrote in "Why Do Good Landlords Like Bad Tenants," which was featured in the January 2011 edition of Landlordpolitan Magazine.

"The irony is that 85% of landlord-tenant relationships fail within the first year, before the lease is even up, because the landlord finds herself incapable of handling the tenant's unmanageable behavior. And a whopping 75% of these cases are a result of jealously. The weak, insecure, and fragile landlord tries to attach herself to the big, burly, and unrefined tenant, only to be rejected. This creates a dynamic tension that rocks the very foundation of the leasing contract and provokes the tenant to pack his bags and leave."

Dr. Hall went on to explain how repeated failures and increasing pressure from the housing authority eventually lead the landlord to do the unthinkable: select a quality tenant. And that's exactly what happened to Lauren.

"Yeah, I used to lease my residence to gang bangers, drug dealers, and thieves, not to mention Erwin; he was the grooviest pimp I'd ever met," Lauren said when NBC news reporter Richard Engel brought up Professor Hall's research. "And yeah, they all ended up leaving, so the housing authority convinced me to lease it to a '˜good guy.'"

"But I'm so sick and tired of this goody-two-shoes shmuck!" she added.

"Look, I want tenants who are bad, unpredictable, and out of control," Lauren explained, while simultaneously making erotic hand gestures at a scruffy-looking bum who had decided to attend the conference. "Why would I want a wussy tenant who wipes the toilet clean and keeps the seat down, when I could have one with enough balls to just take a shit in the sink and hit the garbage-disposal switch?"

The unnamed tenant may still have a chance, however, if his neighbors testimonies are true. They say that he brought a dog into the community without asking for permission or paying the customary fee. And he has a bad habit of letting the mutt's poop collect outside for days on end.

"Yeah, I heard about that, and for a second I was so starting to dig the tenant," Lauren said, shaking her head in dismay, "but then I found out that the only reason he doesn't pick it up is so that it gets turned into fertilizer when the city mows the lawn."

She continued, "He really must have no shame!"

Moral of the story #1: Why do good girls like bad guys?

Moral of the story #2: Why do good dog owners like bad dogs?

Moral of the story #3: Why do smart people like stupid shows like Maury?