Larry King Kong Escapes from Ice Flow, Ravages Tokyo

(Tokyo, Japan). Due to tremors caused by a North Korean subterranean nuclear test, giant monster Larry King Kong was released from an Arctic ice flow and has since laid waste to Japan's capital city.

Larry King Kong was first sighted off the northern Japanese island Hokkaido by a commercial fishing vessel. "We noticed a strange disturbance in the surface of the water. We moved closer to investigate, and then it breached. The bald head, the impish face, it was horrible. It was like looking into hell's bathroom," remarked Kenji Kenimatsu, captain of the vessel.

It is unclear how Larry King Kong knew the location of Japan's capital city, or why it decided to make landfall there. A popular theory concerning the origin of the monster states that it was in a state of suspended animation in the Artic ice before the nuclear test loosened the flow enough to wake it. King then swam approximately five hundred miles south to the Japanese archipelago.

Chaos has ensued since Larry King Kong broke through a naval blockade guarding the mainland island of Honshu. The eighty foot tall King has plucked trains from tracks as if they were toys and has kicked over buildings with minimal effort. Thousands of Tokyo inhabitants have fled the area, causing massive jams and accidents on transportation lines.

Martial law was declared an hour before it was determined that the hulking beast was making landfall at Tokyo. However, Larry King Kong's advance has not been thwarted and it seems likely at this point that its rampage is far from over. "We've tried everything," stated Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. "Bullets don't seem to hurt it, and our heavy artillery has merely bounced off the beast's shiny head. We even tried ignoring it altogether, but that seemed to make it even more furious."

The beast seems capable of only nasal grunts and babble, and displays no sign of recognition when confronted with human speech. Desperate measures proposed include the use of nuclear weapons or to simply wait for the aging creature to die already. As reasoning and force have both failed to stop the titanic CNN personality, Japan's future hangs in the balance.