Last Check Writer on Earth Beaten to Death in Supermarket

73-year-old Edna Mercy was bludgeoned to death today by an enraged, baguette-wielding mob in a local supermarket. Police and emergency medical services were called, but Mrs. Mercy was pronounced dead on the scene. Her lifeless body was discovered on the conveyor belt of register 4, chalked off by plastic "sale ends here" dividers.

Police detained all shoppers with bread crumbs on their shirts for questioning. The final police report reveals that society is to blame. All suspects were released and Mrs. Mercy's next of kin, her son Sparky Mercy, was notified of her death. Ironically, the young Mr. Mercy is the creator of the "Life Takes Visa" advertising campaign.

This reporter spoke with Dr. Sum Dum Gui of Beijing University, currently on loan to The Barefoot Human Behavior and Scatological Research Group (Handwriting and Calligraphy Department), who reviewed the police reports, spoke to the witnesses, and offered this analysis.

Mrs. Mercy's Fatal Mistakes
1. Mrs. Mercy waited until the cashier announced the total before even trying to retrieve her check book from her purse.
2. She searched her pocket book for 3 minutes before accepting the cashier's offer of a pen.
3. She insisted on filling out the entire check even though the cash register was capable of typing in every field except her signature.
4. She had to fish in her purse a third time for her identification.

How this could have been avoided
Professor Sum stated, "This tragic event should never have happened." He offered these tips for those wanting to avoid certain death.
1. Have your check, pen and driver's license out and ready as soon as your groceries are on the conveyor belt.
2. Write the date, payee, and signature while the cashier is ringing the sale.
3. Used a debit card, credit card, thumb scanner, retinal recognition device, copy of Catcher in the Rye ISBN, or anything but a paper check.

TBHBSRG: Dr. Sum, are you saying people should not use paper checks?
Dr. Sum: What? Haven't you seen the Visa commercials? Are you people idiots? You swipe your card while the sale is in progress, push a button or two, and you walk out alive. It really is that simple.

TBHBSRG: People writing checks are at risk?
Dr. Dum: Unless it's a check to the IRS, yes, they're morons. Checks to the IRS should be written in Sharpie marker on an old tee-shirt. The symbolism is lost on the bureaucrats, unfortunately.

TBHBSRG: What bearing does this have on the "paper or plastic" question?
Dr. Gui: The obviously correct answer is, "Plastic." No one ever got a plastic cut. No one ever died using their debit or credit card.

Flowers and condolences can be sent to International Paper's Legal & External Affairs Department, Cleveland, TX.