Late Life Divorce Has Adverse Affects on Adult Children

Couples who've been married for at least 20 years and who separate and divorce may feel it's not necessary to think about how it affects their grown children. They need to think again.

Divorce among older married couples is becoming more and more prevalent. Their divorces usually take grown children by surprise. Most parents had earned "deity" status in the eyes of their grown children for having a stable relationship. Because of these two factors, the splitting up of older parents does have negative affects on their grown children.

Recent research has shown that a third of divorces taking place in this country are between couples who've been married 20, 30, 40, 50, even 60 years. One divorce firm represented a couple in their early 90s! Older couples cite lack of freedom, the need for control, incompatibility, or the pursuit of happiness as reasons for splitting up. Whatever their reasons, Adult Children of Divorce or ACODs have cited their parents' divorce as a traumatic experience. Late life divorce and the psychological effects it has on adult children have been underestimated. That is, until a few ACODs themselves started conducting research and collecting data that proved otherwise.

Kate Hilpern and Noelle Fintushel, two out of a growing number of ACODs, took different paths to answer the same question: How does late life divorce affect grown children? Hilpern is a writer in the United Kingdom who addresses the subject often. Fintushel co-authored a book with Nancy Hilliard called A Grief Out of Season. Their combined findings came up with the following:

Adult children of divorcing parents are forced to look at their parent's marriage realistically, not idealistically. As the marriage crumbles, the whole family structure crumbles. They begin to question childhood memories they had held dear all their lives. Was it all a lie?

Unlike parents with young children who divorce, older parents who divorce tend to involve their adult children in the messy details of what happened. They confide information that is difficult to handle and can leave psychological scars. The ACODs are forced to take sides.

Some parents, particularly women who've been sheltered, begin to lean on their children for economic support. Or, they need help taking care of business, like paying bills and filling taxes. This can become an added burden for the ACOD.

Sadly, the divorce of parents causes some adults to question their own relationships. If Mom and Dad divorced after all this time, what chance do I have? Research showed ACODs over 20 ended long term relationships by age 33.

ACOD men tend to have a harder time psychologically with their parent's divorce than women.

Finally, grown children of older marrieds who divorce have to explain to their own children what is happening. In children's minds, if grandparents divorce, the parents will do the same thing.

Times have changed. Whereas older couples dealt with empty nest syndrome and retirement with a little more grace and patience, many are waking up and realizing that they don't have to put up with undesirable living conditions anymore. Perhaps they should consider how their calling it quits will affect their grown children before they sit down with the divorce attorney.

Facts for this article were extracted from:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/14/divorce-adult-offspring-acods

http://herstontennesseefamilylaw.com/2010/06/10/divorce-rates-rising-among-older-couples-in-long-marriages/

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6263790/trend_sees_rise_in_divorce_for_older.html?cat=41