Lather, Rinse, Retreat

Did you hear yet? We have an economic problem. Really! True story.

Fortunately, our new President is at the helm. True, he's never run a business ... he's never even run a fever ... but let's not quibble with history.

However, in spite of the President's valiant efforts to surround himself with advisors who can't be bothered with petty minutiae - like filing tax returns or composing a sentence that doesn't include the word "inherited" - America's economic situation remains a bit dicey. Banks are still auguring fortune cookie messages to calculate their lending rates, one chain just changed its name to Homeless Depot, and Chrysler, a company that has figured out how to successfully fail every few generations, might get bought by a guy in Europe who says he invented rigatoni.

And as available consumer dollars get more and more sparse, advertisers are really ramping up their efforts to compete for those few bucks.

But companies are in such a rush to bring products to market that their Quality Assurance departments are releasing just about any product that doesn't actually explode when touched. The warnings, the side-effects, the lists of reasons not to use these products take up nearly the whole commercial.

And the commercials are blindly moronic. Witness: In a spot for an anti-allergy drug, an otherwise intelligent-looking woman says, out loud, "Bicycle, I miss you."

That's just psychotic. That's just sad.

A typical side-effect: (Our product) should not be taken by men who are pregnant, women who are nurses, women who may become nurses, or men who may become women.

Nice niche sabotage, there, Marketing Team. That caveat just ruled out both coasts, New Orleans and most of Florida.

A typical product warning: People who are allergic to GottaMediCaterAlot should not take GottaMediCaterAlot.

No! D'ya think? I'll pitch in here with some free advice. People who bleed should not cut holes in their skin. People who have internal organs should refrain from making them external organs. People who do not bounce should not leap off the roof of the Rigatoni Building.

The pace of product release has gotten so frantic that the Federal agency in charge of ensuring that we all can eat un-tainted peanuts is now considering a new, simplified labeling system: It's safe! No, really!

And the product guarantees are just as weird. Witness: The makers of NoSoulAtAll are so sure you'll fall asleep and stay asleep, if you ever do wake up and can form a complete sentence, you'll get a full refund (less shipping, handling, legal fees, the cost of the product, a patriotic payment to Chrysler, and a moderate re-stocking fee).

Anything goes. Recently, in a TV commercial, I actually saw a ferret singing in some housewife's laundry room, extolling the wonders of laundry sheets. I immediately ran to the grocers and bought some of these miracle laundry sheets, along with some double-strength ferret poison.

Have you ever met a ferret? Basically, it's a rat with a posture nearly as bad as Barney Franks, but with better hair.

I once had a friend who owned a ferret. Yes, the friend lived in a "modular home," but I write that off as one of the staggering coincidences to which we are all occasionally subjected. Plus, the ferret seemed to like it. On several occasions, I visited at my friend's little tornado magnet. And the ferret would just sit there, humpbacked, for hours, just staring at you, like one of those raptors in Jurassic Park. You could see it thinking, just working out the angles, waiting for my attention to lapse.

I worry a bit about the lady in the TV commercial. As she blithely hums to herself, happily checking young Billy's grass stains and the meadow-fresh scent of clever Sally's crisp culottes, I guarantee you that the foul ferret in the foyer is measuring leaps, calling in trajectory calculations to Central Command at Ferret Mountain.

It's not gonna end well. Hopefully, before it's too late for us all, Washington will appoint a Ferret Czar. And, in the true spirit of non-partisanship, I will not suggest that they appoint Hillary.