Laying the Groundwork for Communication: Start Communicating with Your Child Early

Do you remember those times, those dreaded times when you had to tell your parents you had done something wrong? I certainly do! It was a horrifying experience. My mother was so disappointed and disgusted with me. It wasn't as though I was going to be punished. I knew that I was going to lose her love.

A child who fears he has done something so unforgivable in his parents' eyes that he might be no longer loved, becomes a secretive child. At first he will hide little habits he has, then he will tell a lie about a small event. Soon he will not be coming to his parent at all. The lies become larger. By the time the child is in his teens, the parent will not know him.

Then what is the solution for a parent? You certainly can not condone bad behavior. How can you handle discipline, yet still forgive your child and not become estranged?

The basis for good communication begins when your child is very small. It begins with the dialogue that you establish from the time that he is a toddler.

Allow your child to feel good about himself on an everyday basis. Don't just let him hear from you when he has pulled the cat's tail, or spilled his milk, or not picked up his toys. Let him hear from you when he's being good. Help him by showing him how to put his toys in the toy box and tell him how well he is doing it. Try not to label him "bad." He is not really a bad little person, it's what he's done that's bad, so try to address the act itself.

Let your young child spend sufficient time doing an activity that he knows he's especially good at. Don't grab things out of his hands to do them over again. If he wants to be shown he'll ask for your help.

Obviously your child will need to be disciplined at some times. How can you punish your child and yet not make him feel like you're never going to speak to him again?

The main problem most parents have is consistency. Loving parents often feel conflicted when they are punishing their children. However, children need to know what to expect and what the consequences will be for specific behaviors.

First of all, you must set out what the rules are. A child should never have to guess what he's done wrong. You have to tell him and tell him in plain language he can understand. Children often do not understand what you mean when you say "your room's a mess." Make sure he knows where he should be putting his things.

Yelling, screaming and name calling are not punishment. An acceptable punishment for very young children is a brief "time out." This will be a time without toys or entertainment in a quiet location. It should be no longer than fifteen minutes.

When the punishment is over, it's over. Give him a hug, let him know you still love him. You don't need to go on at great length about what he just did. He knows. He was just punished for it.

When a child is older, punishment could be taking away privileges such as television time or an allowance. You can give them an assignment such as writing about the event. Again, when the punishment is done, the event is over. Let him know you love and forgive him.

Try not to berate your child in front of others. As a child grows he is developing a sense of self that he'll carry with him into adulthood. Would you want to be humiliated by your boss in a room full of fellow employees? Of course not! Neither does your child want to be humiliated in front of his friends.

When your child grows past toddler age, you'll begin being able to have true conversations with him. Make sure no matter how busy you are to take time just to talk to him about your days. If you want to mention a little slip-up you made at work, that is not going to ruin his opinion of you, it's going to let him know you are willing to share. If you can admit to being human, he will be more comfortable coming to you with his own mistakes.

Parents are huge, powerful figures in their children's lives. You are in charge but you are not perfect. Tell him things that happened in your own childhood so that he can see some of the world through your eyes. Then he will feel free to talk to you about what happens during his days at school.

Remember that if your child only hears from you when you're angry, he will never want to come to you. You want to create an atmosphere in which your child knows there will be consequences for certain behaviors, but he will never lose your love.