Learn How to Talk Just like Charlton Heston

Do you admire the regal, Shakespearean air of powerful speakers like Charlton Heston? Have you ever dreamed of commanding a room with booming oratory and gripping syntax? You haven't? Well read on anyway!

Lesson One: Use R rated obscenities: You won't find Charlie using the F bomb, and you won't gain much of a following using it either. But mildly obscene words like 'bastard' and 'son-of-a-bitch' have almost a biblical quality to them when delivered correctly, and used in a dramatically structured sentence. A good example is "This is my house. It will always be my house, and neither you, or any other son-of-a-bitch is going to take it away from me," and "Dirty bastards!" is a gripping, unforgettable stand alone paragraph if articulated in a booming, raspy voice. (See lesson two.)

Lesson Two: Learn to say RaaaARRRrrrhh! The greater part of Heston's mystique is in his ability to growl and amplify words, as well as speak them dramatically. You need to practice your "RaaaAARRRhhs", as in "RaaaAARRRhh! In the NAME of GOD! You blew it up! You dirty BAST-arrrrds! God DAMN you to HELL!!" Be sure to to form harsh scowling grimaces with your facial muscles, like you're chewing on a lemon as well. Or even try chewing on a lemon first. It really works!

Lesson Three: Make intimidating facial contortions: Once you've got the correct vocabulary and delivery down, the next step is to practice Hestonesque facial gesticualtions in the mirror. Start by saying "Bast-aaardssss!" over and over again, each time punching a hole in your tightly pursed lips with the opening "b" sound, use a low rumbling "rrrrrr" like a growling dog for the "r" sound, and a snake like "ssssssss" for the "s" sounds. Grit your teeth like your pulling a red-hot piece of VC shrapnel out of your leg with no anesthetic. Repeat. Take a sip of lemon water, repeat again.

Lesson four: If you talk the talk, walk the walk: Heston plays characters that are noble, arrogant, yet wise and often subdued. Dress accordingly. Military khakis are great, jumpsuits, and bathing suits work the best, so be in shape. There are no fat Charlton Hestons. Watch the body hair, too. Chuck is a finely tuned, super evolved Uberman, so no simian back or shoulder hair, please!

If you follow these tips, you too can be just like Charlton Heston. Babes will flock to you, Hollywood scouts will try to sign you, and best of all, the public will actually believe that your acting isn't acting at all, and might even elect you Governor of California, or president of the NRA. Like that happens. RaaAArhh!