Learning How to Advocate for Your Child

What do you think when you hear the word "Advocate?" Do you think fight, battle or even stress? These feelings could be harming the effectiveness of your advocacy at your child's next case conference. Walking into that meeting with a sense of "I'm prepared for the battle" could keep you from getting what you are really wanting for your child and also cause hurt feelings and resentment in your relationships with the school. Do you really want the school ducking and running, whispering to each other, "Oh my gosh. It's HER again." Maybe you feel that you need to assert yourself this way to get what you want and need for your child but in reality, you may be doing more harm than good.

You need to think of advocacy as a three legged stool. Each leg represents what you need to have to be a successful advocate for your child. To properly advocate for your child's needs and to be the best voice you can be for your child you need all three legs of the stool...knowledge, skills, and confidence. All it takes is one thing to be missing and our metaphorical "stool" falls over and we fall flat on our rears.

Walk into your case conference with knowledge. The more you know, the more "proof" you have. Then conveying what you want and GETTING what you want becomes much easier. There are two kinds of knowledge that you need in these situations. You need personal knowledge and general knowledge. Personal knowledge is going to be the easiest part for you for YOU are the parent and you know your child best. To utilize your personal knowledge best, write down all your observations. Write down the things you see your child doing, the frequency, triggers, anything and everything relevant to their disability and your concerns. Then write a master plan for your child. A map, if you will, of where you would like to see your child end up. Also, save every from every doctor, therapist, etc. that your child has seen and bring it with you. The school often has not seen these documents and sharing them can help to give them a well rounded picture of what we're dealing with.

You also need general knowledge.This is knowledge that you will gain from books, workshops, and even online. I know personally that finding time to read can sometimes be difficult with my three children so, I utilize the online resources out there to the fullest so that the info is sent to my email or I can pull it up out of "My Favorites" and read when I'm ready or need something. So get online and sign up for newsletters and listservs.A good listserv is About Special Kids (ASK), a bi-weekly e-newsletter that comes straight to your email. You can find them at http://www.aboutspecialkids.org/info.aspx.There are many, many more and because some will send you many emails a day and you may sign up for several, you might consider setting up a separate e-mail account just for this. A lot of these sites also have forums, giving you the ability to discuss problems or questions with other parents, which brings me to my next tip.

Definitely utilize other parents. Often as parents of a child with special needs, we feel like no one understands our day-to-day struggles. So seek out fellow parents of special needs children thru your child's school, support groups, and even online. You quickly find comfort in hearing another parent validate your feelings or just to see them nod their head and say,"Yup! We just went thru that and I really feel your pain. This is how we got thru it..." Other parents can be invaluable.

There are also skills that we need to be the best advocates we can be. First of all, be organized. All those papers and reports that you've received from doctors, therapists, psychologists, etc. need to be kept together in one spot and organized. I have found the best way to keep all this information organized is to get a binder and as soon as you get a paper, add it to your binder. Keep adding to it, placing the newest and latest papers on top. This way, everything is in one place, in chronological order. This makes finding that ONE paper from 3 years ago that has suddenly become very important to share with either the school or another doctor much easier. Also document any pertinent conversations you have with any professional that works with your child, note the date, and add it to that binder.

Preparation is a huge key to your success. Before the case conference, go into the school and request a copy of all the tests and paperwork ahead of time. This way, you can go thru it at your pace and prepare yourself for anything. You don't want to walk into the meeting with all this confidence, only to be blindsided by a test result and left speechless, unable to focus and now unable to fully advocate. I have found this extremely important in two aspects. During my last case conference, we were going over some test results. I got my paperwork early and discovered that I was going to be told that they didn't feel my child had the disability I suspected but that they suspected something that is almost any parents worst nightmare. Getting it early allowed me time to get all my emotions out about it ahead of time. It also allowed me time to research so that I could present documentation and research that proved my case and totally dismissed their suspicions of the other disability.

Most times the same people will be involved in your case conferences year after year. So make sure to engage these people in everyday conversations outside of the conferences. Say hello to them in passing, ask about their children, comment on their beautiful dress...just everyday small talk. This creates a comfortable bond and ease between the two you and will help both of you to feel more at ease when it comes time to get down to business together. The saying, "You catch more flies with honey" definitely applies here. The school is more likely to fight you if they see you as this angry, pushy person. But show them your kind side and form positive relationships with these people and you're much more likely to get the things your child needs without a fight.

Prioritize the issues before the meeting to keep from getting side tracked. Pick your top three that you are absolutely firm on and stick to them. Then, when the other issues are brought up, be willing to compromise on the less important issues. By doing so, you show them that you are willing to make this a partnership and not a battle. Now you look like such a sweetheart and have earned Brownie Points.

Don't just sit in the meeting criticizing and criticizing, giving negative after negative. Describe to them what you see IS working and THEN describe what you would like to see improve. Some call this the "Sandwich Method." You "sandwich" a negative in between two positives so as to avoid looking like this negative person that, in the school's eyes, is putting down everything they do. Everyone thrives on praise and teachers, therapists, psychologists, and principals, and even doctors are no different. This is honestly a skill that can help you tremendously in everyday life and the more you practice it, the easier it just flows from your lips.

If you do have to criticize the way something is being done, be sure that you have some kind of solution that you could suggest. By suggesting a solution you show that you are being an active participant in the process and not leaving everything up to them. Don't ever rely on professionals to do everything. It just won't happen. So do your research to support your theories, needs and wants, and be sure to bring that data along to help prove your point.

Most importantly, mind your manners. Yes, this can be a very stressful and emotional situation for a parent at times and it can be easy to snap at someone or be sarcastic. But being rude helps nothing, if not make things worse. So, avoid sarcasm and be assertive instead of aggressive. Don't interrupt as others are speaking. If you need to, jot down what their words prompted you to think of and then speak in turn. And most of all, don't forget to send thank you notes afterward. At my sons last case conference, his teacher stopped and shared with me the fact that she herself has two children with special needs and explained that she understood how overwhelming it can be. After the meeting, I sent her an email and thanked her for sharing something so personal and told her what it did for me. I thanked her for the way she has always went out of the way to help my son and told her I wished there were more general education teachers like her. She responded back, thanking me for being so kind, and you could tell my email had touched her.

Another skill you need to learn is a little thing called "Framing." How you speak about your child is very important and can greatly impact the way they are viewed by everyone, not just the school and therapists. Do not just focus completely on your child's diagnosis. "Well, my Autistic son Sam..." or, "My Downs baby can't...". Focus on their strengths and what they CAN do. Speak very carefully and watch you words. For an example, read the following two ways a parent could describe their child and see which sounds best:

"My son Adam has problems walking, feeding himself, writing, cannot go to the bathroom on his own, and..."

"Adam does his work on a computer, uses a power chair, needs some assistance in the bathroom, uses forks and spoons with large handles..."

The first statement could be enough to scare a classroom teacher. They may get this image of a child that they are going to have to do almost everything for and then how will they tend to the rest of their class? The second statement, however, is so much more accurate and respectful and gives a much less intimidating view. How you speak about your child greatly influences how others will perceive them. We want them to see our kids as different, not "wrong."

Now, walking into a case conference with confidence may sound hard to you. Sometimes it's hard to hear the things they are going to say about our children. And we are their parent so, I really can't think of a subject that hits home harder with us than our child having "a problem." But, if you walk in there ready for a fight, emotional and sobbing thru half of it, or lacking confidence in your ability to speak on your child's behalf, you are doing your child a grave injustice. Because you're either going to end up in arguments (and remember, your child may be in this school for maaaany years!), or possibly walked on and not getting what you want because they are seeing you as weak and they feel THEY know best anyhow. So in order to create confidence for yourself, you should follow some key guidelines.

Definitely control your emotions. The best way to do this is to avoid being blindsided. Whatever tests or material you are going to be going over in your case conference needs to be in your hot little hands before the meeting. As mentioned earlier, you have to go to the school and request these. Then you can go thru all the material, go thru it with others if need be, and absorb it all. Do any research you need to do to either understand or to disagree. Be sure that you do not personalize what is being said about your child. Even if after doing all this you end up blindsided, either ask to stop and reschedule or excuse yourself from the room for a few moments to compose. And even if the case conference goes well, it is still an emotionally draining process. But save your emotions to release afterward. You are entitled to your feelings and if you need to go off into a room and scream and cry, go for it. But during the case conference is not the time.

A great way to show confidence is to be an active listener. Be attentive. Make eye contact and nod your head at appropriate times. Confirm that you've heard things correctly by paraphrasing what has been said. "So, what I hear you saying is that Billy needs..." This allows you to get clarification, if needed, and it also keeps you from preparing comebacks.

Another issue that can cause your confidence to waver is if you have personal conflict with a member attending the case conference. Maybe you've dealt with this person on another issue and things got ugly. Your personality issues with that person needs to be left out, completely. If you can, try talking openly with the person and settling your conflict. If the conflict just cannot be settled and you feel that persons feelings towards you may effect their input in the case conference, then it's time to go over their head and speak with someone in higher power (i.e. the principal or superintendent).

As your case conference approaches, feelings of anxiety are perfectly normal. So to conquer that anxiety, take some steps to help calm that horrible feeling. Be sure to prepare for the meeting by gathering all information you need, especially the tests and paperwork that is going to be discussed so that you can mentally prepare yourself. Practice what you are going to say. Do this in whatever form is most comfortable to you. Either mentally go over it, talk it out to yourself in the shower, in front of a mirror, or with another person. Network with other parents and have them tell you what has and hasn't worked for them in these meetings. Also, be very aware of internal dialog. If you go into the meeting telling yourself it's going to be horrible or a battle, this is exactly the attitude you will portray towards the rest of the members in the meeting. Even after doing all these things you may still feel anxiety. So, stop, tell yourself to let it go, and walk in there with a smile plastered on your face and fake that confidence all you can. And if it helps or you just need it, bring a friend or family member or even a child advocate.

Last, but not least, set the stage for the conference. Pretend your are playing hostess and arrive early so that you can greet each person as they arrive. Dress professionally, as we all know that not only do first impressions stick with people but looking your best will make you feel good and give you that extra boost of confidence. Also, bring a picture of your child and lay it out on the table so that everyone has a visual of whom everyone is working together to help. Last, but not least, bring food. It may sound weird but, it really does work. It kind of puts you in the hostess role, helping you to take charge of the situation. And since a lot of case conferences are scheduled at the end of the school day, many of the people involved may be hungry or ready for a snack. Now you look like the sweetest thing by making such a nice gesture.

Advocating for your child doesn't have to be such a scary and overwhelming experience. I have been through several case conferences myself and I've found that by doing all these things, I have developed good relationships with all the key people in my children's education. So now when I speak, they truly listen because they know I've done my research and they also know that I am willing to be flexible when needed. I hope that by following my lead you are able to empower yourself to be the advocate, the voice, that your child really needs. But if for any reason you still are unsure or just to intimidated, enlist in a child advocate. They are provided to you at no cost and they know all the laws and the schools responsibilities. A child advocate can be an invaluable tool to a parent facing a case conference for the first time.

I wish you much luck in advocating and being a strong voice for your child. For if we don't fight for what they need, who will?