Learning to Be Brave - Facing the Past and Embracing Right Now

Being brave seems to be necessary in life. There are so many horror stories on TV, the radio and in the movies. I had very bad memories of my childhood. Even when things weren't so bad, I wanted to be somewhere else. I felt mortified by my brothers who were inhumane to me.

I don't know if anyone else has trouble with men, but I have had men grab at me since High School. It got me so scared to hear about heroin epidemics and drugs, that I just lost hope for the future. I was dreaming of a happy family, while there were pictures of junkies on TV. The worst though was having a bad boy or two yell at me and try to get with me. I don't know where they got the idea that I liked that kind of talk, but I wanted to pummel them but didn't.

I try my best to be a good person. I'm not perfect, and I have had misunderstandings with people, but I have forgiven them. The worst thing is trying to be perfect. Being brave is good enough for me. You would be scared too if your brothers regularly fought with you and then people turned out to be yelling screaming jerks in public.

I dumped a guy for yelling about something. It was only a matter of time before he started yelling at me. I don't want to be an angry person. I don't want to live my life in fear. I have to be brave to face these angry people. You never know who you will meet.

Don't get me wrong, I have had many wonderful friendships and even a boyfriend or three. But it has been hard for me to forget these bad things. And now that I am nearly thirty, and have managed to control my fear despite having real reason to fear, I consider myself pretty brave.

I still want to meet a nice guy, its just that I know that there are a lot of people in New Jersey brainwashed by the media who like watching explosions and rape scenes. And they say I should be successful, but the only job I have truly been happy at is at a Christian Day care.

I have even met abusive coworkers and have been unable to get relief. I always end up being fired even though I mind my own business. The worst is working retail and being treated like a piece of meat. Life isn't fair. But there is always faith in God that works for me. I have grieved and found comfort in Jesus. Who was perfect and was despised enough to be crucified.