Learning Coping Skills

According to Abraham Maslow (1954), in the course of learning any new skill one must pass through four stages, which vary along the axes of competence-incompetence and conscious-unconscious. Most people proceed as follows:

1. Unconscious incompetence ; you are unaware that you don't have the given skill, or you do not know the importance of the skill.
2. Conscious incompetence; you have begun to realize your shortcomings in that skill (this can be a very painful and frustrating phase).
3. Conscious competence; now, with practice and knowledge, you have become skilled. However, you still must think carefully before you act, because you will slip back into old ways if you do not. More practice is still needed.
4. Unconscious competence '" after practicing your skill for a long time, you gradually become so familiar with the skill that you can perform it (almost) perfectly with little thought.

A fifth stage has also been suggested by later scholars '" Reflective Competence. In this stage one can not only perform a skill but also describe the process so that others can learn how to do it.

Keep in mind that these stages are not discrete, they lie on a continuum, and one can be consciously competent on one day, then consciously incompetent on a stressful day.

Given that these are the four phases, we can explore the process one goes through in acquiring coping skills. First, we define the phrase "coping skills." These are techniques of thought and action in response to the outside world that allow a person to express feelings but not be overwhelmed by them. Coping skills include relaxation techniques, thought-changing and behavior changing (cognitive behavioral therapy), self-soothing, and self-care. Many people are lacking in one or more of these skills but they do not know it; thus they are unconsciously incompetent.

There are many factors that can bring a person to counseling to learn new coping skills. Marital problems, depression, anger issues, eating disorders, or a general sense of unhappiness that cannot be pinned down '" all of these can lead someone to ask for help, even if they aren't sure why or what kind of help. As the counseling process continues, they will learn that there are better ways (coping skills) to conduct their lives that will help with their individual problems.

For example, a person who is anxious may be taught relaxation techniques. The first time, they may express disbelief, since they are being asked to do the thing that is most difficult. "I can't relax! I'm too anxious!" A good counselor is patient and encourages the client to try it. If the client sticks with the process and continues to practice relaxation, he or she will probably start to notice improvement in anxiety levels within 2-4 weeks, and possibly sooner. The important variable that predicts success or failure for the client is "sticks with the process."

Learning coping skills can be extremely painful and often appears to make the situation worse for a time. Many people get impatient and frustrated, then give up. They never make it to conscious competence because they stop trying. This is true for any skill a person wants to learn.

What barriers exist to prevent a person from learning coping skills?
1. The old way is familiar, like a well-broken-in shoe, while the new way "pinches" and feels uncomfortably rough.
2. There may be confusion about the skill itself. It is hard for a person who has no knowledge of healthy coping skills to integrate the new knowledge into what he or she has experienced in the past. The counselor says one thing, but the client hears another, and when the technique doesn't work, the client takes this to mean it's all a bunch of baloney.
3. Poor self-esteem '" successful clients have at least a spark of positive self-esteem that can be fanned into flames and used for encouragement when the path is rough. If a client does not have that spark, then self-esteem is the first skill to work on, as the others will come much more easily in the context of positive self-esteem.

Self-esteem issues are, of course, the ultimate cause of many problems in other areas of life. Sometimes gaining positive self-esteem requires a leap of faith, a willingness to "fake it til you make it" (AA). In other words, the client chooses to "act as if" he or she has positive self-esteem, then the results will show that the leap of faith worked.

Once the person begins to destroy the barrier of low self-esteem, real progress can be made toward the goal of conscious competence. Once the person starts to believe "I can do this!", doors start opening and learning any skill becomes easier. That does not mean practice is not necessary '" practice is always necessary '"

Notice that in all the earlier discussions of skills action is required. The leap of faith may be needed in other areas besides self-esteem. If one wishes to play the piano, at some point one must set aside the theory books, place the fingers on the keys, and play! Act! Remembering the 4 stages may help you continue to persevere, since you know the beginning of action will be difficult and painful, but you also will know what comes later, and it will be worth the struggle!

Maslow, A.H. (1954). Motivation and Personality. New York: Harper.