Learning from Fear

As the Virginia Slims slogan says. You've come a long way. I never knew what they meant by that. But since I've started meditation, I have managed my fears a lot better and am making attempts to pursue a new dream. It seems I do not have a desire to be a writer anymore. Despite some encouragement, I do not have what it takes to pursue it as a career. Scribbling for Associated Content seems to be my destiny. But I am dreaming a new dream. To work with children as a speech therapist. I suppose I may be a genius. I took the verbal half of the IQ test with some encouraging results. But it doesn't matter because I don't think it takes a genius to be a writer. It takes luck; and that is something I am in short supply of.

I may continue to write on Associated Content. With which I've had some modest success. But to make a full time income as a writer would take more pain than I am willing to endure. I am not the kind of writer who takes rejection well and I don't think I'll ever be a real writer with national fame for my writing because despite my modest love for learning, I still am not an expert on anything. Except maybe dreaming. I can dream pretty good. And if I was better at dreaming up wonderful entertaining tales full of morals and good humor, I would. But it seems like the stuff they publish dwells on the baser side of humanity.

So I am content to meditate and work out and eat beans and rice and keep off 64 lbs and feel good about that small accomplishment than to lie and say I am an expert on anything when all I used to like to do was read books about faith or success and I don't think working at a daycare qualifies as a successful life. Although when you think about it, my grandmother always said, raising children is the most important job you can have. I just don't think most people would agree with that.

I am pretty brave I guess. I stood up to my brothers when they wanted to fight. I stood up for my morals when a man wanted to be my friend but was making me feel uncomfortable. I stood up for myself when the doctors said I needed medicine and I felt fine except when she was making me cry. I guess life really is a battle. Its not enough to want to be a good Christian woman in a broken world. You need to be brave when it hits the fan. And while I do not want to fight with life, I have certain beliefs I hold dear, like waiting for marriage and being good to your loved ones. I don't want to be an activist. I don't want to fight with people unnecessarily. But I do believe that there is an epidemic of weight problems and some of it is caused by the negative messages we get from the media.

I get so offended by TV that I barely watch it anymore. I don't want to see body parts in my face. And while I consider myself fairly loving, I do not think young girls are getting the right message by the media. They think they have to be promiscuous to get ahead. And I just don't think anyone should use themselves that way to get ahead. I used to be told I could be a model. And it almost destroyed my sense of self worth to feel so objectified. Why would anyone suggest a pretty yet big girl should starve themselves to fit impossible standards of beauty and only to tell her that most of them are on heroin. If that is not the true insanity of this world I do not know what is.

`But I don't get worked up about my past anymore. I know I am smart and if people don't value intelligent women, then I don't care. I can't be afraid of what may or may not happen. I can only do what needs to be done right now. I wish I felt comfortable working with men, and I am not making up being grabbed at. And I certainly didn't do anything to deserve such thoughtless treatment. But the world is full of sin and even though I am a Christian, I guess I will be tested and found lacking. I certainly didn't want to be called J-lo after starting to write poetry. And I certainly don't want to be a bum.

But Christian women are supposed to be mothers. That's what we're called to do. It says be fruitful and multiply. But I don't want to have a big family. I came from a big family and felt worthless. I could never be super successful, so even though I am sweet and loving it doesn't seem to be valuable in this world. It is a world of politics and power I am afraid. And I don't want to sell my soul to be successful.

I don't believe in making tons of money to buy big cars and fancy homes. I always wanted someone to love me. And I guess I feel like a failure at relationships. I like to start out as friends and most men don't even want to commit. I tried having a true love, but I am afraid that it didn't happen.

Now I'm too old to really care if I ever get married. I figure, it wasn't meant to be. But at least I have developed a spiritual life out of all this turmoil. I don't really think I can tell you I'd be so happy despite all my disappointments if I hadn't found the soothing meditation and managed to lose 64 lbs despite being on thyroid medicine. And I don't want to say I haven't learned anything from it except you have to use diet and exercise and not starve yourself. I still weigh a lot, but I am a size 14 and at five foot eight, I am in better shape than I was in college and I feel better too.

So I don't have a crystal ball and I don't know if I will be a speech therapist, but I feel called to do it and I hope it is something I will be successful at. I have worked hard on myself to mature and I think that I have come a long way since being paralyzed by fear so long ago. I have also learned that doctors don't really know how to cure a broken heart.