Learning to Let Go when Your Child Goes to College

Here you are heading into August and if you are the parent of a college bound child you are in turmoil. There is just so many things to worry about. I am not even going to go into the financial aspect of it here because most likely it's the emotional issues that are most pressing right now. I have a friend who is at this moment ready to tear her hair out because she does not know what happened to the close relationship she had always enjoyed with her daughter. It seems to her that right after high school graduation there was an alien abduction of her sweet girl and when she was returned only her outer shell was recognizable to her parents. The once agreeable and affable young lady has fiercly claimed her ownership of adulthood status. On the one hand she feels she should no longer have a curfew because in a few short weeks she will be living away from home and will be coming and going as she sees fit. My poor friend on the other hand hasn't been able to accept that her daughter is indeed moving into adulthood. The parent from a psychological standpoint needs this transition to be slow and easy so that it is less painful when the day of departure arrives. The daughter from a psychological standpoint has been dying to be a grownup since she was thirteen. She has fairly dove into adulthood without checking first how deep the water was.

Being on the outside looking in it is so clear to me what is going on. Mom is hanging on for dear life to this kid for as long as possible because she is not a bird. She can't just shove her out of the nest and hope her baby does'nt fall head first into the pavement. Have you ever actually watched a mother bird push a baby out of the nest. Do those baby birds look like they want to go? Heck no, they are squacking and flapping and pretty much pecking mommy as a way of begging to stay a bit longer. Birds are smarter than humans. They have no feelings. Mama bird knows if she doesn't get junior out at just the right time he isn't going to survive. Young adults however, have no fear of hitting pavement. All they see is open road and freedom. Will she study if mom is not reminding her to crack the books because it might me getting late? Will mom resist the urge to text message her every day with a constant barrage of reminders and helpful suggestions? I hope so because for each one letting go is important.

There is a theory behind the common unrest in the home right before a child leaves for college. Subconsiously both the parent and the child enter into this state of cold war or outright shouting matches for a very good reason. It is alot easier to drop your kid off at college because by the time that day arrives she has driven you so crazy you can't wait to be rid of her. The young adult also works herself up into such a state where her only recurring thought has been, "I can't wait to get out of here". The separation then becomes one where finally both parties mutually feel just as irritated with each other and it is an odd common ground that both are finally standing on. The safety mechanism of anger and resentment toward each other is actually a front to hide feelings of ambivilence and sadness.

After all, college is exciting and every kid wants to get there but at the same time being responsible for yourself for the first time is scary. But, she can't show it because she has been declaring for the whole summer that she is an adult! This child-adult has painted herself into a corner with her attitude. What's a parent to do? The parent usually runs with the declaration on the child-adult's part and heaps on lot's of extra responsibilities. On one occassion I saw my friend toss her daughter's car keys at her and she said, 'Hey, your car needs an oil change." The look on her daughters face was priceless. There she was painted into her corner trying to figure out how adults get their oil changed. Where do they go and who does it? How much does it cost? Who is going to pay for that? She did come out of the corner and asked her mom those questions but a funny thing happened. She used more of a little girl voice. If a look of triumph can be described as radiant than my friend's face was glowing. She answered quite naturally,' you can figure it out, you are an adult".

There you have it. All of this pushing and pulling between mother and daughter because their roles are changing. Mother is still mother but she has to learn now how to reinvent her style of mothering in accordance to her daughter's changing status in the world. It is probably more difficult for the child who still has one foot in the sheltered safety of home and one foot in the real world. If the pulling doesn't ease up she's liable to split in two. You don't want to drive your child into a fragmented state right before she leaves. It is time now for gentle guidance from mom and careful widening of the boundaries for daughter. Give the child more freedom and relax the curfews to a reasonable time. Accountability for whereabouts and actions are still required. Instilling a sense of faith and trust in your child is very important right now. You know how you raised her or him and the values that you exemplified. That foundation that you laid down will remain long after those college doors open for the first time and welcome your child in. Not that they will not go on to begin to form their own ideas. Part of learning how to be an adult is learning how to think like one.

So, for the next few weeks try to point out the positives in your child and focus on what you have to be proud of. You had a lot to do with getting your child to college in the first place. She may think she is ready to take on the world but once she's out there and realizes it's alot bigger than she imagined she'll most likely be the first one to text you an olive branch. She will still need you but you may have to be patient and let her come to you when she is ready. Her success is directly related to how well you did your job as a mother. That is something you can be proud of. As you drop her off on that fateful day just remember this. She will pick up after herself without you telling her to. That dirty clothes will get stuffed into the new Bed, Bath and Beyond laundry hamper you so carefully chose to match her twin bedspread. Eventually, she will even pull out that pretty purple stick vacuum and suck up the popcorn kernels and Cheez-Itz crumbs.

When she get's sick for the first time she will call you. I know a woman who drove from Massachusetts to New Hampshire when her daughter got a cold. This crazy lady loaded up the SUV with homemade soup, Nyquil, Vicks Vaporub, Ricola Cough Drops and Puffs Plus with Lotion. Then she drove all the way home.
You will learn to let go and it won't have to happen all at once. It usually doesn't as evidenced by the story I just related. Your child will make it when she goes to college. Seriously, they are usually only gone from Monday to Friday anyway and on the week-end they come home with that hamper full of dirty clothes. Finally, just when everyone is happy and adjusted the four years seem to fly by. Mothers that once could barely tolerate the first night their child was sleeping in a dorm are bewildered to learn that after graduation her little bird is flying home to the nest. My next article will be titled, "Learning to Give In When Your Child Wants to Move Home After College". Ofcourse it will be subtitled, "Can I Make It Work When My Adult Child Comes Back Home to Live"?