Learning to Live Life with Passion After Nearly Dying

On the night of Dec. 21, 2007, I faced death as I lay dying with a clot lodged in my artery. It woke me up from a deep sleep. In an instant, it felt like being hit by a brick wall. I could not breathe, talk or move. I felt like I was being held down by some force. I was terrified. I was completely powerless. There was a blackness that is hard to describe and then I could see my face white and stark. While it was happening I was not sure what was taking place but I knew I was dying. The only thing working was my mind. I called out to God to take it away over and over. It was all I could do.

I don't know if it was seconds or minutes where I could not move. It seemed like forever. Eventually, I could again move. I could breathe and it was over. I sat up in the bed scared and dazed...not grasping fully what had happened. I realized the whole top of my chest was sore to the touch. I tried to lie down but I could feel the pressure start to build up in my chest and it became very uncomfortable. I sat up again and that relieved it.

I was on a care giving job taking care of an old man in the next room who could not hear me or help. I didn't have any health insurance and knew I would lose my job if they found out. My client almost never got us up at night and the relieving caregiver would be there before he woke up. I had no workman's comp or additional income. I have a medical background in both standard and alternative medicine. I knew that to not seek medical attention could mean my life. The whole top of my chest hurt.

I am an herbalist with a family and personal history of clots. I had experienced clots in my leg years ago. I knew the potential but had never really dwelled on it. So I gambled that God would get me through until the morning. As an herbalist, being gone for days at a time, I kept an emergency bag with me. I took several cayenne caps, Hawthorne, fish oil, and several thousand units of Vit C and two aspirin. Then I just sat down in the chair and prayed. I could not lie down so I just rested my head against the back of the chair. I was terrified to fall asleep. I prayed to live until the shift was over.

It's funny what you think about at times like that. The caregiver coming to relieve me was my friend. He was kind of a fragile guy. I worried how traumatized he would be if he found me dead. I thought about my three children. My son and I had not talked in a month. He was busy and I was busy. We had a good relationship now but because of a divorce and his father raising him....and all the hell that comes with custody battles....I was not allowed to see him often. I had fought to keep up the bond with him. He just had not had the time with me because of his father. If I died that night did he really know how much I loved him? If I did what would be have to cherish.

My girls still needed me even though they had their families and their lives. I had not seen the youngest one in a year. They had moved to Florida. I would never again have the chance to tell either of them how much I loved them. It was only a week before Christmas. If I died it would ruin everyone's Christmas. This Christmas was special for I was living in Denver. I had not had the chance to spend Christmas with the oldest daughter in four years. So I prayed again. I just wanted to get through the night and through Christmas. I asked for a few days.

Then I looked at my life. I am a hard worker. I have always worked long hours with little time off and no vacations. No I am not a workaholic but my life has been financially difficult. Most of it had been a struggle in one way or another. There was no time or money for fun. Where were all those cherished memories that at this kind of time...you are supposed to run through your mind? Where were the joyful memories to give me solace? They were not there. On my obituary it would say, she was a hard worker, a good mother who had made mistakes, had helped and been there for people in need. I knew I had given of my heart and time. But there were goals not reached and dreams that were still dreams. My children would miss me but my life was so unfinished. I needed more time. I was not ready for the chapter to end. I had been living...just living for years. I had been living to get through not with joy. I had been living my life for years without passion...without enthusiam. I realized so much but would I be alive by morning to change things. I wanted just a little more time.

Sometime later, I fell asleep in the chair. A few hours later, I awoke, and I was still alive. My chest still hurt but I was alive. I thanked God that he had gotten me through the shift. I didn't tell anyone. I went home. When I got home, I was conflicted. Should I go to the hospital? The worst seemed to be over. Other than my chest hurting, I was not worse. The thought of medical bills for the rest of my life was pretty grim. I was 57 years old. So I called a neuropathic doctor friend for advice. When I refused to go to the hospital, she gave me a regimen to adhere to, warning me of the probable consequences of not seeking medical help.

I have believed in natural medicine all my adult life. I avoided the hospital when I had two separate times of clots in the legs. I had avoided a hysterectomy with severe fibroid tumors and bleeding. I had gotten though all of it with natural medicine. If I went to the hospital, they would put me on blood thinners. My heart had been checked before and it was fine. Clots can occur at any time and they can kill in seconds. There are herbal blood thinners and herbs that work to help the heart to be healthy. I would do what I had always done and that was to use natural medicine. I could still die from another clot with standard medicine and I could die using herbal medicine. I made the choice to treat myself with what I know has worked before and what I belief in.

For a week, I slept sitting up. The chest hurt all over when I lay down, I could feel pressure inside like the blood was not going through properly. I called in sick to the office saying I had the flu. I took huge doses of the herbs that thin the blood. I envisioned healing light comes into my heart and healing it. I knew that I should have died. I knew that there was a God and only because of his mercy, was I still alive. He had granted me a second chance to live...to really live.

After the first few days of being afraid to go to sleep and dying-I begin to feel such great joy.

Every morning when I opened my eyes, I praised God. I was alive one more day. I had time to live a little. Everything seemed more beautiful....the sunset, the roses in the yard, the beautiful Denver Mountains, and my old problems seemed minor now. I still had money problems. I still had to work hard but I was alive. I called my son and we talked like we had not in a long time. I made the decision to move back to California to spend time with him. The girls had each had their time with me in recent years so it was his turn. I wrote him a letter telling him how much he was loved from the beginning. How proud of him I was in becoming an engineer. How proud of him I was in the man he had become. How much pain it has caused missing so much in his life because his father deigned me access to visit. How happy I was in the relationship we had now.

I wrote Christmas letters to the girls and grandchildren expressing how each was unique and beautiful. I wrote what I loved about each one of them and their gifts. I wanted them to each have something if I was taken. Christmas was a week later. It was the most beautiful Christmas in years because I was alive. It was a white Christmas, snowing all through Christmas. It was truly beautiful. I was there when the kids opened their presents. So often though the years, I had worked and missed that part. I told my oldest what had happened. She would be hurt later on if I had kept it from her. I told my son and youngest daughter after Christmas.

Along in this time period, I began to have this burning desire to somehow make others realize before it was too late...how much they are missing. How much they are not cherishing. How much we take the seconds and minutes of our life for granted. How the years go by and one year turns into 20 years. We get lost in the day to day bills, and problems. We get lost in trying to deal with living so we stop really...living. The real tragedy is we don't even really realize how much we are missing....until it is too late.

It has been 8 months since that night. It happened again on Jan 3rd. There was considerably more pain and I did go the hospital. After many tests and hours later, it was determined there had been a clot but it had gone through. The heart was not damaged. There was no permanent damage at all by the test results. Half a night later and $10,000 dollars in bills...I went home.

The doctors said I was a very lucky woman. I knew God had brought me though a second time. Clots are one of the biggest killers of women my age. Many times they kill or seriously leave you debilitated. Through the grace of God, I came though two bouts...two clots....with no permanent damage. I also know that it could happen again at any time. I may have one month or one year...that is the reality. I am not frightened anymore. I feel a calm actually that I have never felt before. All the problems that still come into my life don't have the same impact. I am alive still. It's better to have bills than be dead. It's better to have some pain in life for at least you are alive to feel the pain At least you are alive to watch another sunset. I also understand when the elderly say, it's a great morning when their name isn't in the obituary column of the newspaper they are reading.

At 57, I stopped running from the pain in my life, from the mistakes in my life. I forgave myself for being young and stupid. I began facing the pain and unearthing all those painful memories. I began striping off the layers that had been stuffed down for so many years.

There was a man in my life that I had run away from. A good man who could not understand why I was so afraid to be dependent on him in any way, afraid to accept his love, afraid to accept the stability he offered, afraid to let me really love him. Love meant pain. Love meant loss of control. Love meant loss of independence. Love meant letting go of the pain inside and letting him in.

In the past 8 years, I had refused to become attached to anything other than the children. That had included making friends, taking part in a social life, any real permanent involvement, or roots.

Roots meant pain. The pain when your roots are torn away. Pain when you realize you have not loved wisely. In running away from roots...I had lost my joy and passion for life. That all stopped that night I nearly died and the week later when it happened again.

I had a choice now to make. I had to stop running to start living. I had to take on roots to take on joy. I had to give up the fear to feel the joy. I had to trust to receive love. It was now or perhaps never.

So I turned in the fear.

As I write this, I am back in California where the pain started. I am with my partner whom is one of the most loving, supportive men in the world. We renewed our love with friendship. By stripping off all the pain and letting him in.....I have grown to trust him. I have not trusted any male since I was a child. When my father whom I loved dearly destroyed that trust, it set up a pattern of distrust that would last for 30 some years. It took nearly dying to change that. I had to want to live life fully enough to allow myself to trust. There is peace knowing that this man loves me knowing all my fears, my insecurities, my failings, and all that goes with it...but loves me anyway. He likes me and respects me. He loves me and he knows me.

I am here is San Diego spending as much time with my son as I can. I want him to have some memories of recent to cherish if I am gone. I am so blessed to have that time.

For the first time in 30 years, I have a huge back yard, an herb garden, a garden where I picked my first home grown pumpkins, watermelon, and eggplant the past two months. I have an Australian shepherd again and a Lasso to give life more meaning. We are going to church and I am setting up roots. I am working on memories with my partner. I am taking time to have fun when we can and to experience some joy.

I am living with passion! I am feeling joy!

We are all living on borrowed time-borrowed from God-our creator.

He has our contract-a loan to us for the days of our life of this earth.

When he calls up our name-the loan is finished. We are called up back to our creator. Our work is done. ---finished or unfinished.

Some of us have a long contract with lots of years to full fill its obligations....others have only a short time to do their work.

There once was a time, I thought I had 20 years! Now I realize it may only be 20 seconds or 20 days or 20 months......realizing now as never before, how very precious each second of our life is. In reality, each second is a gift from God,

Each memory....each precious day......each precious talk with loved ones or friends.....is a gift. When our eyes open, it's a gift. When our feet touch the floor as get up, is a gift......we are truly only players in the play of life.

We live our lives as if our contract is limitless....never ending......we fail to stop and spend time----precious time--with those we love and doing those things that we love or give us peace and joy. There is always next week or next month to call that person or do that special activity or just really see the rose that we pass by every day. We fail to put our work or thoughts aside and listen and talk to those who need us. We fail to put down our work and spend needed time with family, with friends, with our community work, with our self; we are just too busy....later....later....later....but later last only as long as God grants us on our contract.

God has granted me an extension ...a second chance....an extension of my contract....a limited renewal of possible days, memories, of being loved, and a chance to leave fear behind and give wholly from my heart.

What are you running from?

What memories are you missing while you narrowly focus on money, power, things that if you died tomorrow would not matter... things that would mean nothing to you or those you love.

I was given an extension, will you?

We fail to recognize as we run from our fears and the demons inside us that we all have -we lose the chance in some cases for stability, love, permanence, all because of fear, because of walls, hardened hearts, and stubborn independence. We refuse to let our hearts feel, let our heart free to deeply love...to become deeply attached...the fear of abandonment is greater than the reward.....that impossible reward...that we don't feel is within our reach...to be loved...even when there is a person that loves us.....fear pervades...so we lose years...opportunities...running away......

I watched the Golden Compass, out of curiosity. The movie is quite controversial and its meaning can be viewed in many ways, depending on your religious beliefs. The movie does stir up food for thought. I do think that all of us do walk around with demons...not visable ones as in the movie but inside our subconscious. They are created by our family, by life, by painful events, and by ourselves in defense. They tell us we are not good enough, they keep us from the courage that also lies inside of us; they influence us to give into our less noble characteristics. They are present in our life at a young age, and until the day we die. We fight just as those children did, to keep them. It takes courage, to let them go, to rise above them, to let loose of them ...so we can live in the light, in love, in harmony, and in joy. We run from the pain in our lives, from so many things, until there is nowhere to run....we are tired of running...tired of living in fear....

Then one night ...we face death....there is no more chances.....for the reward.......and we come face to face with what we have given up...out of fear!

Live your life, as if it is your last.....and be thankful each day for each minute of that day. I want you to see what I see now.......before you nearly lose it.