Learning How to Say No

The art of saying no comes naturally to a toddler but is often lost as a person matures. It is a skill that needs to be relearned and used when appropriate.

Why do People say Yes

It sometimes seems easier to say yes when in actual fact, no would be a better answer. The following are common reasons why people hesitate to say no:

• Fear of rejection
• Apprehension about the other person's reaction
• Indecision
• The request seems reasonable
• Manipulation and emotion

What are the Consequences of Saying yes all the Time

There are many consequences to being a "yes person", some more damaging than others. Here are some of the effects that often accompany saying yes too often:

• Exhaustion and burnout
• Over commitment
• Shoddy inefficient work
• Resentment
• Financial difficulties

Who Asks People to Things

There are three main areas where a person may be pressurised into saying yes: by friends, by family and at work. If these groups of people are used to a positive response, they may react badly to refusals.

Learning how to say No

This is a process that includes the following steps:

• Recognize and admit that there is a problem
• Analyze how many requests are agreed to in an average week
• Determine how much time is available in a week to agree to requests
• Prioritize who is deserving of assistance
• Discern if it would be better for the asker to do the thing themselves
• Define limits to safeguard free time

It Takes Time to Form new Habits

Here is a checklist of questions that will help determine if the request is one that should be agreed to or refused:

• Will it take a lot of time
• Will it add pressure
• Will it cause emotional stress and resentment
• Will it result in feelings of being used
• Will it mean giving up personal activities
• Is there any personal gain in it

While these may seem selfish, they are simply a way of gauging if a person can cope with extra demands. Pause before answering a demand or request and do a mental run-through of this list. Over a period of time, it will become a healthy habit and people will realize that they will not be able to demand their way.

Beware of Subtle Pressures to say Yes

When people are used to a person saying yes to their every request, they will generally try and manipulate the person into changing his or her mind if presented with a no. Here are some ploys they may use:

• Flattery
• Sulking
• Ignoring
• Anger
• Guilt

It is never too late to start saying no. The most important thing is to make a firm decision and follow through on it. The life benefits will eventually outweigh any passing discomfort and bad attitudes from friends, family and coworkers.

Recommended reading: The Book of No - 250 Ways to say it and Mean it and Stop People-pleasing forever by Susan Newman Ph.D. McGraw-Hill books, 2005.