Learning to Trust Again After Infidelity

Trust is vital to a healthy relationship - and it's one of the first things destroyed when partners cheat on each other. Often, it's not just about the sex; it's the fact that it implies your partner is leading a secret life somewhere that you can't be a part of. That, somehow, you aren't meeting their needs, and that they don't feel they can share that with you. It's a devastating feeling. For the cheater, recovery is equally hard - they are often plagued by guilt and feel like they can't live their own, adult lives because their partner is suspicious of their every move.

Every relationship is different, but here are a few guidelines to keep in mind while recovering from an affair.

1. Make sure it's what both of you really want.

People stay in relationships for a lot of different reasons - not all of them good. Some potentially good reasons for staying in a relationship include:

1. A strong foundation of chemistry, friendship, or trust.
2. A shared responsibility for raising children (whether they are biologically yours or not).
3. A strong feeling of commitment to your partner.

Some potentially bad reasons to stay in a relationship include:

1. Because it's comfortable or convenient.
2. Because you've been together for a long time.
3. Because you're afraid to be alone.

You get the idea. It's important that both of you decide to stay together for the right reasons, because otherwise, more problems are bound to occur in the future, and re-establishing trust might be impossible.

2. Find a therapist both of you like and trust.

Couples therapy is crucial in recovering the trust that has been broken in your relationship. It's important that both of you feel comfortable with the therapist that you choose, because therapy is all about building a relationship of trust with someone who can help you work out any issues you might have in other relationships. He or she is trained to do so, and can help you in a way that most friends or confidants can't.

3. Foster openness, but not oversharing.

As the unfaithful partner, it's important that you foster trust in your partner. (This goes for both of you if both have been unfaithful.) This means being honest about where you are, what you're doing, what friends you are seeing - the time for "little white lies" has long passed. Encourage your partner to share their feelings with you as well; don't lash out or act defensive if they admit to feeling resentment or mistrust towards you. The answer to every negative feeling should be "what can I do to make you feel better?"

As the faithful partner, the same principle applies - you should encourage your partner to be honest by being honest with them in return. While you may feel angry and betrayed, you have to put that aside in order to effectively rebuild trust. It's particularly important for you to be honest about your feelings. If you feel lingering anger and resentment about the cheating, be honest. In return, your partner should allow you to express these feelings and do whatever they need to do to make you feel secure.

On the other hand, there's such a thing as oversharing. It's a fine line, and it can be hard to tell the difference. However, if you find yourself saying things that are hurtful or even threatening, it's time to pull back a little. You might have some disturbing thoughts - those don't need to be shared with your partner.

4. Be willing to change.

This is both the simplest and most difficult part. If you're determined to make your relationship work after something as earth-shattering as an affair, it will take some changes. Both partners will need to be willing to go through a very difficult process of re-evaluating their lives. You'll both come out stronger for it, but it won't be easy.