Leave the Parenting to the Parents

It seems that everyone in the world, particularly those without children, has an opinion on how to raise them and be a good parent. No matter where I go it seems that someone wants to offer some advice or point out what I'm doing wrong. Rarely does anyone comment on my child's good behavior or nod approvingly at the way I parent. People simply ignore my child when he is being sweet, except to point out how cute he is, and have little to say about my parenting until I do something of which they disapprove. I have received the occasional polite comment, but it seems the bulk of feedback parents receive is negative.

On our first plane ride, my son was completely quiet the entire time. He looked out the window, sat in my lap, and played with his toys. One person, as we got off the plane, gasped "Wow, he was so quiet. I didn't even know there was a baby onboard!" On our most recent plane trip, my son screamed during our entire descent. Many passengers made their annoyance abundantly clear. There were whispered rude comments and nasty expressions. Very few of them had smiled approvingly or so much as glanced at my son the entire first half of that flight, as he sat softly babbling and driving a matchbox car around.

There is no longer any praise for a job well done, only punishment for mistakes. When the weather is cool, and I have my son all bundled up in socks, shoes, double layers of clothing, mittens, and a warm hat, no one has anything to say. However, as soon as I forget a hat, fail to notice that he's removed it, or decide it's warm enough that he doesn't need one, someone inevitably points out that my son needs a hat.

When my son is wearing shoes and socks, no one comments on their cuteness, but as soon as I take him out without shoes on, some stranger has to inquire why he isn't wearing any shoes. I remember a cold day when my son had repeatedly removed his socks and tossed them in the mud. Finally I simply let his bare feet be, and half a dozen strangers felt the need to instruct me to put socks on him.

When my son is quietly looking around the store, nobody exclaims "What a well-behaved little boy!" However, the moment he cries out of boredom, people turn their noses up. I remember an instance where my son was softly babbling in a crowded, noisy Wal-Mart. The woman at the cash register gave me the weirdest look and then explained "It's just that I've never heard a kid be so loud before!" I exchanged looks with the woman ahead of me in line, and we smiled knowingly at each other. I replied, "Then you haven't been around too many children. He's not nearly as loud as my daycare kids!" The lady paying for her groceries chuckled in agreement.

And then... she zinged me. "It's just that the parents I know keep their children quiet in public," the young cashier offered. I simply told her that it was easier said than done and walked away. It was a moment later that I realized exactly what she had meant. I should keep my son silent when we're around other people, even when the entire world is being louder than he is. She was insinuating that I was an inferior parent who could not control my child.

For a moment I considered going back to tell her off, but instead I just continued on my way. This is what I usually do when I encounter such rude comments. It's not worth it to try and argue with someone who doesn't have children. No amount of explaining will help them understand what parenting is like. Only when they become parents will they realize that they don't have all the answers.

One chilly day I dressed my son in two warm layers of clothing and headed out. In a rather obnoxious voice, a lady asked "Where's that baby's jacket?" in an accusing tone. "He's wearing two layers," I explained. "Considering it's not that cold, I thought that was enough." She looked at me disapprovingly and went on her way.

Of course she had to assume that I hadn't taken the time to properly clothe him. It didn't take much to notice that he was wearing two thick layers of clothing. What was the point in asking if not to chastise me? I couldn't exactly have made a coat appear out of thin air. It's also not likely that he would have taken it off, in my arms, without me having noticed.

Everyone has their own opinion on how to handle temper tantrums, too--even those who have never appeased a toddler tyrant. "He needs a good whipping," some will say when observing a tantrum. Others have simply coached me to ignore it. I've found my own method. I solve most temper tantrums within minutes by offering my child compassion in the form of a hug. Providing him with some distraction can also quickly silence the outburst. When all else fails, I can nurse.

People are generally appalled at my handling his frustration in a gentle, loving way. I don't know why it is that tough love and punishment are the only acceptable forms of discipline these days. Very few people congratulate me when my techniques work. They simply go on with their unsolicited advice.

I have taken my son to the childcare center at my local gym for months. Always I have breastfed him when he became irritable during my workout. It was only a few weeks ago that they first spoke against it. They told me that I would have to take him home, and as usual, I replied that I would try nursing him for a while. "Oh, you still do that?" she asked with a combination of surprise, interest, and disgust. "He should be on a bottle by now," she said, or something to that effect. I chose not to explain that bottles are discontinued at the age of one, that breast milk is most potent straight from the boob, and various other facts. Instead, I simply said "Well, bottles aren't very useful in moments like this."

I would have handled that situation differently before. I would have went off about the immense benefits of extended breastfeeding and possibly told her she was ignorant. What would have been the point, though? It probably wouldn't have changed her mind, unless I had documented evidence. Even then she would probably still consider it weird. I don't need her to approve of my choice. I don't care if she considers me weird. That's why I don't bother anymore when someone has a comment about my parenting. I have done the research and made the choice I feel is best for my child. I know. I don't need the world to know.

I don't know why it is that parents are expected to justify every single decision. If a woman has a C-section or homebirth she has to explain why. If a woman chooses formula people ask her why. If a woman cosleeps or breastfeeds a toddler, she must defend her choice. There is no congratulation for a job well done, because there isn't one. There are only mistakes and wrong ways of doing things. The right way is what every individual, with or without kids, believes in their mind, which equates to there not being a true right way at all.

Parents don't need praise for doing their jobs right. They know when they are doing something right, because it works and does no harm. We can see it in our child's eyes when we are doing what is best. We don't need anyone to tell us what is wrong or right, particularly strangers who have never had a child. We like having information and various viewpoints available, should we decide to seek them, but we don't need correcting. The exception is when we are endangering our child, in which case we're ignorant to that or wouldn't be doing it. Each parent does what is most beneficial to their child and most in tune with their parenting philosophy. There is no universal right way, because every child, parent, and family is different.

If you see a baby without a hat, assume that the mother didn't feel it was cold enough for one--or knew her child would just throw it in the mud. If you see a child misbehaving, let the mother handle the situation on her own. Making rude comments or giving her dirty looks because her baby is inconsolable won't help the situation. What you consider misbehavior or loud noise might not be fit someone else's definition. Most importantly, just because you have an opinion doesn't mean that you are qualified to instruct another parent on how to raise their child. It also doesn't mean you must enlighten every mother that comes by. If she wants help, she'll ask for it.

Of course, if you see the baby drop the hat, it wouldn't hurt to pick it up and hand it to the mother with a smile!