Leaving an Abusive Relationship: Tips from a Survivor

In 1990, I met a man I thought was the best thing since sliced bread. We were married seven months later, and I gave birth to our son 6 months after that. Then the nightmare began, and I found myself married to an abusive man.

There were signs before we were married, but I ignored them. My so to be husband would get mad and hit a wall, not something I was use to. I took it as he was just angry, but was not hurting me. Before we were married not once did he lay a hand on me. I would have never thought that he would hit me. Well I found out a few days after the wedding. We were at a friends house, and I was tired and cold. I wanted to go home, but he was not ready yet. When I kept asking about leaving, he suddenly slapped me. Never in my life had a boy or a man hit me. I was just stunned. Of course he said , "I am sorry and it will never happen again". Well it did happen again and again. The violence was getting worse.

After my son was born, my husband was home less and less. He chose to be out with his friends instead of with his family. When he would come home, if he came home, the arguing would begin. My only escape was work. So I would take any extra shifts I could, just to be out of the house. I knew this was not the way I wanted to live or raise my son.

After seven months of abuse, I left. My friends came and moved all my stuff out of the apartment. I was moved to a friend of a friends, and had no clue where I was going before I got there. This was for my protection, as my friends knew I was not thinking straight and only wanted me to be safe. I took my son and moved on with my life. When I left my husband I had three dollars in my wallet and a baby that needed diapers.

Finally I was able to file for a divorce, 2 ½ years after I had married I was in front of a judge. Stating that I could not live with this man. I had police reports of beatings and restraining orders to keep him away from me and my child. After all in my mind it was only a matter of time before he came after my son. My divorce was granted and he was given supervised visitation of our child.

Looking back at that time of my life. I have to wonder what was I thinking. Did I truly believe it was okay for an man to hit me? Was I so scared to raise my child alone that I would rather have us both live in fear of our lives? Sixteen years later, I have a college education, a great man in my life (though we are not married) and more self-esteem than I thought was possible. Most important I know that no person will ever abuse me again.

Tips for leaving the relationship:

If you decide you may leave here is some advice I can offer:

Make a plan. Having a step by step plan will make leaving easier.

Save whatever money you can in a separate account. This is your escape money.

When you leave get a restraining order. These can be obtained free by some through the local court house.

Contact your local batter women's shelter. They help in more ways than just shelter.

Believe in yourself - You will make it. It will be hard but you will feel so much better six months down the road.

For those women still in an abusive relationship, I want to scream get out. But as a woman who was abused, I understand it is easier said than done. So many judge and wonder why you stay. I can understand your feelings, your fears and your wants.