Leaving an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Emotional abuse occurs when one partner in a pattern of behavior calls the other one names, isolates the other from friends and family, accuses the victim of having sex with others, suddenly becomes angry seemingly over nothing, ends the cycle by apologizing and/or threatening suicide, and somehow convinces the other that the victim is the cause of the abuser's behavior. Then the cycle begins anew. The only way to stop the cycle of abuse is the victim leaving the relationship. When they do, it is best to make a clean break.

If you don't feel safe leaving, head to a shelter. They are easy to find and good places to go to help get support.

Change your phone number. You have no legitimate reason to talk to each other at this point. If you talk to the abuser, he is likely to pull you back in with the "I'm so sorry; I'll change" or the "I will kill myself if you don't come back" story. You have heard it before, and it is probably not going to happen. If you are truly concerned he will commit suicide, call the police or the local suicide hotline and give them the information. Then let it go. Whatever happens, it is not your fault.

Change the passwords to your bank account, credit card accounts, and so on; and forward your mail immediately upon leaving. Emotional abusers are manipulators, and they will probably try to find a way to force you to talk to them so they can try to get you to return. Making an "honest" mistake with your money is certainly one way to get your attention. Holding your mail gives the abuser an excuse to get in touch, as well.

Expect some harassment after leaving. Abusers will find some way to get in touch. If the abuser is unwilling or unable to catch you at your current residence, he will probably try to catch you at work. You'll be told that it will only take a minute, and you'll be tempted to give in, thinking that then he will start leaving you alone. Instead, you will be giving him hope. Remember, he knows your weak points, and he knows how to exploit them. Don't give him the chance. If he isn't leaving you alone at work, notify your boss about the problem. Once someone tells him to go, he is unlikely to return.

Change your parking spots. Park as close as you can to the building and/or security cameras both at work and at home. If you can't secure your car at home, such as parking in a lockable garage, park where you can leave a light on to illuminate it. Leaving it secured or easily seen by neighbors will discourage him from approaching it. The abuser may resort to some sort of sabotage or even vandalism if he is angry, but at the very least he is sure to visit it, leaving a note that pours out his feelings over the loss of you, promising whatever you've wanted most, such as marriage. It is best to avoid even reading a note left on your car, but if you must read it, keep in mind that it is fiction. How many times have you been told this same thing before? If he approaches you at your car and will not go away, run to where people are and call the police. You may be thinking that he would never hurt you physically, but emotional abusers are quick to anger, and you don't know what he might be capable of in this kind of situation.

Stop believing what he's told you. You are leaving because deep down you know you are not worthless, stupid or ugly, and there is someone out there who will think you are the most beautiful, wonderful person in the world. You will find someone else, someone who treats you the way you should be treated, with respect and love. And you can live without him. Get some counseling if you are having trouble letting go or regaining self-esteem.

Get reacquainted with those friends, family and activities you gave up for him. Make plans to go out with a group, preferably made up of men and women. Give yourself a few weeks, and then go out with the next person not totally repulsive who asks you on a date. A date doesn't mean commitment. Have an Xbox party or a movie night at your place, and invite everyone from work you can stand being around. Feel what it is like to have fun, to talk to others without fear of reprisals. If you had mutual friends or were close to some of his family members, first think honestly about this friendship. Is it worth keeping? Why did he allow you to keep these relationships while keeping out others you cared about? If you want to keep the relationship, feel out those people. If they want to talk to you about what the abuser is going through or how cute you were together, then those people are not friends.

If mutual kids are involved, leaving is more complicated, but that isn't a reason to stay in an abusive relationship. Find a lawyer. If you can't afford one, contact a shelter near you for some advice.

If you want to remain civil, when you see each other, you can certainly say hello, but leave it at that. Don't let an abuser engage you in conversation. Abusers never change, and you have no reason to be a victim. Even though leaving will be difficult, it will be the best decision you ever made.