Lent Begins

Ah, Lent, what a joyous time of year. When we all get together and do massive amounts of drugs, have Ozzy sing to us in a Soma-induced trance and have what can only be described as a massive org- Oh wait? Sorry people, I was just informed that this is, in fact, no where near the traditions of Lent. Oh, sh**! I'm gonna catch hell (literally) for that one. My bad, people. Apparently that's Woodstock that I was describing earlier. Honest mistake.

So, Lent. Actually, Lent kind of sucks. Giving up a vice for forty days? That's some difficult stuff, dude. As according to Catholics, Lent is where you give up something for forty days for God. It's to honor and glorify our Creator. For we can do all things through Christ Who strengthens us (that's in the Bible, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's somewhere in there). Given, I'm not exactly a big fan of Catholicism. I decided to participate in this act so as to strengthen my faith and my self control. It's kind of a, "if you can do it, I can do it" type thing. Mostly because I'm childish and spiteful like that. Also, because we know Catholics don't really participate in their difficult traditions, anyways (man, I hope I don't offend anyone in here... ah, screw it).

How far does my involvement in this go? Well, let me tell the tale of waking up this morning and realizing it was Lent...

...As I awoke, as I usually do after my usual 13 hour naps, I noticed something in the air. It wasn't the faint smell of meaningless sex or the liquor soaked carpet that was my room (hey! I'd fit in as a pretty good Catholic that way!). Nor was it the odd smelling stripper glitter that covered my body (yes, it had a smell). No, this smell originated from the kitchen. As I crept closer, it was becoming alarmingly clear that I was not going to be happy with myself. Smoke began to fill my nostrils as I coughed heavily. As it turns out, I had made a pot of Ramen Noodles in my drunken daze (though, I'm not quite sure if that came before or after the strippers). The stove had been left on and much of the kitchen burned away by the raging fires of (what I interpret to be) God's anger towards my sinful lifestyle.

It was upon losing my most prized possession (my food) that I understood that something had to change. Oh, on what a day to change it. I walked by the fire scorched calender that hung, just by a short thread, on a nail in my wall. The day of Lent was marked, with each of the next forty days marked as, "I hate this." and "Catholics suck." Nonetheless, I knew then what I had to do. I am giving up two things, two of the greatest joys of being a man. Number one, I am giving up sex and all sex related actions. I like to call this, Operation: Blue Balls. Number two, I am giving up alcohol. As, I would still have food to eat had I not drunkenly burned down my kitchen. However, it seems to make more sense to just give up food. Which, I actually considered, and figured I could live off a diet of beer and whiskey. But then I got to thinking, what happens when I run out of beer and whiskey? I mean, I don't think there's enough to keep me drunk off my ass for forty days. Plus, I've heard lies that you need food to live and that amount of alcohol consumption would likely kill me. I would prove the nay sayers wrong, but I was actually quite hungry when I woke up. So, yeah food is off the table (literally).

How do I plan on doing all of this? Well, as far as aclohol goes, I decided to give all of it to my recovering alcoholic uncle. He tried to refuse to take it, but I snuck into his house and just put it in his fridge. I'm sure he'll thank me for it later. It's not like it could kill him or ruin his life or anything.

What do I do about the sex stuff? Man, I gotta tell ya, I don't know. Short of tattooing Jesus on my right hand (to guilt me into not doing anything sexual), I don't know if I'm going to make it. However, I must try. You see, once I set out to do something, I get it done. I'm not going to just say I'm going to do it. No. I f***ing do it. Like when I said I wouldn't cry when I went out on the town with Wayne Brady. By God, how I wanted to cry, but I didn't! I sucked it up and became a man! I'm not your average man. Oh, no. I'm the kind of guy who will get plastered before work and drink coffee as he's going to sleep. My life is backwards as are many of my views. Operation: Blue Balls is under way and I'll be damned if anyone shows any attention to my balls for the next forty days! Myself included.

So what are some of the things I had considered giving up? Here's a few:

Sleep. Now, I don't mean no sleep completely. No, that would be rediculous. Think about it though, if you gave up your average sleep cycle. Think about how much you could accomplish. By God, you would be unstoppable! Like, say, if you only slept two hours a day. That's right, it's the uberman sleep cycle. However, given I have a full time job, I'm not willing to commit to such a schedule at the moment. Way too much effort, my friend. I can just not have sex, but I can't just not sleep. It doesn't work that way.

Sugar. In fact, preceeding Lent, I gave up sugar for about a week. I planned it to be a month... but yeah, it lasted a week. I did really well and now I watch my sugar intake throughout the day. I feel much more alert and awake now that I have limited myself in sugar consumption. Not to mention, sugar actually makes me feel better when I ingest it. I'm not completely numb to it's effects any longer. Wish I could say the same for...

Caffeine. Oh, oh, hell no. I could not give this up even if I did sleep 13 hours a night (previously mentioned lie). If I don't have any caffeine in the amount of coffee or energy drink, by 2:00 my head is killing me and I could possibly pass out while standing up.

Lying. Alright, if I gave up lying, half of this article wouldn't be here. In fact, the whole kitchen story? Yeah, that didn't happen. I just thought it sounded more interesting than saying, "Hey! I'm giving this up for Lent! Alright, see ya later!" A story adds depth and character to anything. Even if it's something like this. Oh and the nights of meaningless sex and liquor drenched carpet? Yeah, also not me. Besides, who do you think I am, Charlie Sheen?