Lesbian Relationships Face Similar Issues as Heterosexuals

Being in a lesbian relationship, many people assume that we have different issues than heterosexual couples. Many times we do. But no relationship is immune to occasional lapses in judgment. An example of this is when one person is being impossible. In this case that person was me. Actually, in most cases that person is me.

This latest instance began this morning, as soon as I woke up. I rolled over to kiss my beloved good morning, as I always do. However, on this particular morning, my heart wasn't exactly in the kiss. The beloved spouse, being beautiful as well as intelligent, (are you reading this, dear?) noticed that my heart wasn't in the kiss. She asked me what was wrong, and I looked at her, and provided the predictable angry woman answer. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing." With this I stomp from the bedroom, cursing under my breath, and slam the bathroom door.

The beloved spouse called to me through the bathroom door, in a pleading tone. I ignored this sweet, kind voice. After what she had done, how could I possibly talk to the traitor? I mean really, in any committed partnership, sexual relations are usually kept between those in that partnership.

Now, let it be said that I am a very hard sleeper, and I have very realistic dreams. The dreams were much more vivid at other times in my life. However, childhood and middle of the night college rituals have ceased, so it isn't like it use to be. I can usually determine what I dreamed from what actually has happened within minutes these days. This morning however, it took me longer. About fifteen minutes longer. This was not good.

As my beloved was reduced to tears, and I was feeling worse and worse, I realized that perhaps I should reassess this situation. After all of this time together, Dana has never once cheated on me. I have no reason to suspect that she ever will. So, these awful things going through my head must have been a dream.

After taking a moment to feel guilty, I call out to my love, apologizing. Telling her that I was just being mean, grouchy, and generally unpleasant. Dana then agreed that I had been quite mean. Hearing her agree so readily increased my guilt tenfold. Dana, being the opportunist that she is saw the advantages available in this situation.

Sensing my weakness, my dear beloved spouse wondered aloud about breakfast. After all, fighting this early in the morning often induces a large hunger. Because I was feeling like an ass, I provided pancakes and sausage. After an excellent breakfast where my dearest didn't even have to think about refilling her own coffee, she began wondering about the dishes.

Being the giving and caring wife that I am, I began washing the dishes before she could finish her sentence. As I completed them, she asked what I had planned to do for the rest of the day. Still feeling like I was in the dog house, I told her that I would do whatever she needed. I was feeling quite agreeable, until she asked me if I was going to address the junk drawer in the kitchen.

Cleaning the junk drawer in the kitchen is a task that my beloved spouse has been promising to do for no less than three months. Finally, my guilt began to wane. So, being a bit of an opportunist myself, I decided to beat my wife at her own game. I smiled at her, moving closer. "If I do, what am I going to get out of it?" The beloved spouse smiles, leans forward, and gives me a heart stopping kiss.

Under normal circumstances, a heart stopping kiss like this one would scramble my brains so much that I would do whatever she asked. However, this time I was paying attention. I managed to fully enjoy the kiss, and plan my next move at the same time. As the kiss came to an end, Dana thought that she had this thing all wrapped up. "So will you, baby?" This statement was accompanied by a slightly pouty lip. I'm sure she thought she had won. Could I be strong enough to look into those stunning eyes and still say no? I wasn't sure even as I opened my mouth to speak.

The words formed on my lips, "Hell no," I said. My darling's eyes popped open in surprise. This may have been the second time that I have said no to her. Ever. Dana turned around to begin the kitchen drawer, looking like she knew she had been bamboozled. I offer to help her. After all, this whole damn thing was my fault anyway. The least I could do was help with the task that neither of us had planned to do today.

As we worked, we talked. Dana asked the inevitable question. What had I dreamed about that had made me so cranky this morning. So, I begin to tell her the story of how I had dreamed that she had turned up pregnant. Now, with both of us being woman, her turning up pregnant would require a tremendous amount of planning. I told her the whole story. Even the part about the father being the creepy, drug using, alcoholic man that panhandles at an intersection I pass frequently.

Dana, being an understanding woman, laughed with me as I recounted what I thought was reality. Finally, I think, I'm not in trouble anymore. As I rejoice about this fact, I assume now that I am off the hook, I can spend the rest of the day pursuing leisure activities of my choice. Then I open my mouth.

"You know, dear, you and creepy guy wouldn't make that ugly of babies. I mean, he's rough looking now, but if you cleaned him up a bit, he might be all right. The kid might actually stand a chance..."

That's when the yelling began. Maybe not yelling so much, but more of a howling sound. It was the type of sound that would drive a strong man to his knees. The kind of sound that makes you wish for Armageddon. She thought I meant she was the ugly one. Oh dear. It wasn't true, but I might have put my foot in my mouth. Or my entire leg. So much for leisure activities, I wasn't even sure I would be breathing that much longer. Noticing that it was nearly lunch time by now, I began my apologetic routine again. Making lunch, washing the dishes, paying the bills, and taking care of various other household tasks would never be enough, I knew. After finishing, it was time to break out the big guns. It was time to go to the mall.

Now, let it be known that I hate the mall. I hate the teenagers that haunt the entrance of every store. I hate the crowds of people and the screaming children that obviously have never received one word of discipline in their entire lives. Mostly I hate Mrs. Fields Cookies, the place that has singlehandedly ruined every diet I have ever attempted. Going to the mall is always the ultimate sacrifice. The one thing that I avoid unless desperate measures are required. Today though, I was beyond even the most drastic of desperate measures.

I managed to successfully maneuver my way through the crowds of people and skulking teens to an electronics store. The very same electronics store that my beloved had been cruising for weeks. I walked in, deftly avoiding the sales people. I quickly place the item in the cart. Some gaming system that I wouldn't even know existed if I were enjoying a quiet single life.

Not enjoying a quiet single life however, I make my way toward the checkout lane. I hate the checkout lane at this particular store. The cashier can't quietly accept the fact that I wish to slide my credit card through the credit card machine, sign the screen, and go merrily on my way. Knowing this in advance, after several Christmas time visits, I prepare. These people always want two forms of identification with my card. Long ago I accepted this reality, chalked it up to security tightened for my own good, and stopped complaining.

As the not so friendly cashier rang up my purchase, asking for everything but a urine sample, she then says the words I have been so eagerly awaiting. "How will you be paying, mam?" I show her my mastercard, and slide it through the reader. I hand her my two forms of identification. She just looks at me. "We don't have time for all of this. That is only a policy at Christmas." Now, my nature would be to stand there and argue about the relevance of that statement. After all, if this is a time issue, it seems that Christmas would be the worst season to be checking extra documents. Today though, I am trying to score major karma points. I vow to keep my mouth shut. I choose to ignore this illogical turn of events and quietly pay for my purchase.

Upon arriving home, I approach the victim of my earlier brutality, offering the gift of peace, the video game system. The smile upon her face was all I needed, I knew that dropping that much money on a bribe/apology gift had been a great idea. As Dana began to set up her new toy, I began to feel rather pleased with myself. Hopefully, later she would find some creative way to thank me. That happy thought was interrupted as my dear beloved turned to me.

"Thank you so much baby, this is great. You know what I'll be doing for the rest of the day." I smile, wordlessly letting go of the thank you gift that I had been dreaming of. Then she said the worst words that I had ever heard. The words that will forever haunt me...

"I was only upset for a few minutes you know. You weren't really in all that much trouble. But once you started, I wanted to see if your apology would have any...ummm...flair."

With a sweet smile she turned back to her new game. Why didn't I just lie when she asked me what the problem was this morning? As I ponder my new predicament, I wonder where I went wrong. Then it comes to me. I think that next time, I should just stay in bed.