Lessons from "Law and Order", "Monk" and "Murder She Wrote"

I've watched Law and Order for so long that it's hard to remember when there wasn't an episode on TV. In fact, I watched Mike Logan with three different partners before he slugged the politician and got sent to Staton Island and ten years later make his way back into the Major Case Squad.

And where a lot of you may be thinking I wasted a lot of time in front of that television, well, let me tell you, it's been a profitable learning experience. Not that I'm thinking about taking up a life of crime, but I have accumulated a number of valuable tips I'll share for any of you foolish enough to be thinking about it.

Lesson No. 1

Never partner with anybody in committing a crime because when you get caught, they'll cut a deal and sing like a canary.

Lesson No. 2

If you make mistake No. 1, be the first to plead out and make a deal.

Lesson No. 3

If you kill someone at home, use a toothbrush to clean the crime scene area, although the police will probably still get you because they'll notice that's it's the cleanest spot in your house.

Lesson No. 4

Never spend any money you steal.

Lesson No. 5

Stay away from side trails in parks in big cities because there seems to be an abundance of dead bodies there.

Lesson No. 6

If a detective with compulsive cleaning habits gets interested in your case, just go the police station and confess. You haven't got a chance.

Lesson No. 7

If you're going to steal money, make sure it's enough to make prison worthwhile.

Lesson No. 8

If you're using your own car during a holdup, it's not a good idea to go through the drive-through at McDonald's on your way back to the house.

Lesson No 9

Don't trust your girlfriend or boyfriend as an alibi unless you get married quickly. That breakup can send you to the big house before you know it.

Lesson No. 10

If you steal money and put it in a numbered off-shore account, never lose the account numbers. Otherwise, you're up the creek without a paddle.

Lesson No. 11

It's not against the law for the police to lie to you, contrary to what these people often think when being interrogated. They are allowed to trick you. Of course, if you're a crook, I can't see where you'd have much right to complain.

Lesson No 12

And this is probably the most important of all. If Jessica Fletcher shows up at your front door, don't let her in.