Lessons to Learn

Elizabeth laid with her back to her bedroom door. She could hear her family getting ready to leave. She didn't know where they were going, but she knew they hadn't invited her to go with them. The tears fell down her face as she smothered her sobs in her pillow. She didn't want them to hear her. She didn't want them to know that they had the power to hurt her so easily.

Elizabeth heard the front door slam shut with their departure. The car started up and pulled out of the driveway. She was finally alone. She took a gulp of air into her lungs, and cried with loud, angry sobs.

"You don't love me. You never did." Elizabeth railed against the family that was no longer within hearing distance; "You never listen to anything I have to say. You are always criticizing what I do, who I hang out with, who I am. You don't care about me. You want me to be this perfect little girl. Your perfect daughter. Well, I'm not perfect. I don't know how to be perfect."

Elizabeth pounded her pillow with her fists, "Why don't they love me? Why doesn't anyone love me?"

Elizabeth rolled off her bed and roamed restlessly around the empty house. She went back to her bedroom and gathered up all of her tapes. She walked down the hall and dropped them all onto her brother's bed. She went back to her room and gathered up all of her books. She went down the hall and dropped them all on her sister's bed. She went back to her room, sat down at her desk, and wrote her parents a letter.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know you say you love me, but I find that I don't really see how that is true. I know you regret having me, and I'm really sorry I'm such a screwed up kid. But don't worry, I'm going to make everything better. You won't have to feel obligated to worry about me anymore. I promise. Just do one last favor for me. See that Tarma gets that red skirt you all can't stand. It's her favorite.

No longer your problem,

Elizabeth

Elizabeth laid the letter on her pillow. She dug around in the bottom drawer of her desk. She pulled out a box from the back of the drawer. She shifted through the odds and ends in the box until she found the pocketknife she kept hidden there. She took out the knife and left the box sitting in the middle of her bedroom floor.

Elizabeth put the knife in her pocket and headed to the kitchen. She picked up the phone and dialed her best friend's phone number.

"Hello"

"Tarma, this is Elizabeth. I need to talk to you." The tears started to fall again.

"Elizabeth, I'm on the other line right now. Can I call you back later?"

Please, Tarma. I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something."

"Can't it wait? My new boyfriend is on the other line."

"Please," Elizabeth asked desperately. " I need to tell you something."

"Okay, but make it quick. I have to get back to Larry."

"Never mind," Elizabeth whispered. "I just wanted to say Goodbye."

"Oh," Tarma said. "Okay. Goodbye."

Elizabeth hung up the phone. She was numb. She no longer felt the tears flowing down her face. She walked into the living room and sat down in her dad's recliner. She curled up into a ball and cried.

Elizabeth started rocking back and forth. She lost all sense of time and space. She sat, rocking and moaning, unaware of anything that was going on around her. The tears still fell, but the sobs were silent. Her eyes were closed. Her arms were wrapped around her body. Her breathing was shallow. Her fingertips were ice cold. Her mind numbed.

Then death entered her mind. She stopped rocking and uncurled her body. She reached into her pants pocket and pulled out her knife. After opening the knife, she placed it against her left wrist. The tears ran down her face and soaked her shirt. The cold in her fingertips spread first to her hands and arms, then to her body. When the cold reached her heart, it burned all the way to her soul. Her hands shook as she sliced through her wrists. The blood ran down the side of her arm and onto her jeans. Her vision blurred and grayed.

Elizabeth couldn't see anything but gray. She could feel the pain and smell the blood from the wound on her wrist, but it was muted and dulled. She was still crying. She could taste the salt from her tears. But her face and shirt were dry. She could here her heart beating loudly in her ears. It was slowing. The blood that ran down her arm burned her skin. Elizabeth was scared.

Elizabeth's vision exploded with a kaleidoscope of color. The colors swirled and mated on the gray background in her mind. She closed her eyes. Elizabeth opened her eyes to the riot of colors meshing. Then slowly, from the center, a jungle appeared. The tress overlapped and hung out over her. The smell of rain and nature overwhelmed her. The songs of the birds and the mating rituals of the jungle animals assaulted her ears.

Elizabeth stood in awe, stunned by the changing scenery. Gone were her living room and her dad's recliner. The jungle surrounded and sheltered her. She dropped her knife to the carpet of grass at her feet. She fell to her knees. She surveyed the jungle.

Out of the jungle walked a black jaguar. Elizabeth scrambled backward up against the tree behind her. The black jaguar walked up to her and sat at her feet. Elizabeth stared into his eyes, letting herself fall under his spell. She slowly raised her hand and touched his face. He bared his teeth in a smile, and licked her hand.

"Do not be afraid, little one. I will not hurt you."

"What? Who?" Elizabeth looked around, but say no one save the black jaguar. She stood up and peaked behind the trees, trying to find who was speaking to her.

"Hello. Who's there?"

"I'm right here, Beth." The black jaguar licked her hand. "Please, sit down we have a lot to talk about, and you have things to decide."

Elizabeth looked at the black jaguar. "Was that you? Did you speak to me? How?"

The black jaguar nodded his head, "Yes, it was me. I am placing the word in your mind. Your mind is still trying to comprehend this, so it is making you think you actually hear me. Please, Beth, sit down. We need to talk."

"We do." Elizabeth looked troubled, "About what?"

"Beth, you tried to kill yourself."

"You mean I didn't succeed. I thought I was dead. That's why I'm here, isn't it?" Elizabeth asked as she sat down beside the black jaguar.

"No, you are not dead, yet. You could still die, but first you have to make a choice." The black jaguar laid his head in Elizabeth's lap.

What kind of choice?" Elizabeth asked, and ran her fingers through the black jaguar's thick fur.

"Life or death."

"But I already made that choice. I chose to die. I want to die," Elizabeth exclaimed.

"No, you don't. Not really."

"What? Who are you to tell me what I do or do not want?"

"Beth, you want to live. The powers that be wouldn't be giving you another chance otherwise."

"What?"

"You have your whole life ahead of you. Things are not as bad as they seem. Your family is worried about you." The black jaguar raised his head and stared Elizabeth in the eyes.

"Bull." Elizabeth looked away, "They don't care. No one is going to miss me."

"But they will," the black jaguar explained, "Your parents will miss you. They love you."

"No, they don't."

Yes, they do, Beth. They just don't know how to express it."

Tears flowed freely down Elizabeth's face. "But, they don't. They don't love me and they don't understand me. They never listen to what I have to say. They don't care about how I feel."

The black jaguar licked the tears off Elizabeth's face. "Beth, they do love you. You might not want to believe me now, but you will learn that as you grow up. As for them understanding you, you are right. They don't understand you, and they probably never will. But they are trying."

"No," Elizabeth wiped her face with the back of her hand, "they aren't."

"Beth, they don't know how to talk to you. They don't understand what you feel. And you are still growing up. You don't know how to explain things to them. You and your parents get frustrated and you and your parents start to yell and argue. Then one person or another storms out, and nothing gets resolved."

"But..." The black jaguar rubbed his face against Elizabeth's hand.

"Beth, you are going to have to be patient. You will come to a truce of sorts once you are an adult. There are still a lot of things about yourself that you don't know, but you will learn."

"But, I'm so lonely," Elizabeth cried.

"You don't have to feel alone. I will always be with you. I am here any time you need me."

"But I want someone to hold me and love me. You can't do that." Elizabeth stood up and turned her back to her new friend, "I want true love."

"Beth, nobody can be everything to you. You may never find the one you are looking for, but that doesn't mean you can't find love and comfort from your friends and family," The black jaguar walked around in front of Elizabeth.

"It's not the same thing," Elizabeth exclaimed.

"No, it's not." The black jaguar explained, "But true love is not all that you think it is. Just remember, when you are feeling lonely, I will be here for you. Just call me."

The black jaguar licked Elizabeth's left wrist. Elizabeth felt her skin start to tingle. She started to feel dizzy and her wrist started to glow. She looked down and saw that there was not a scratch upon her wrist. When she looked back up, the black jaguar disappeared into the jungle. She closed her eyes and wiped her face.

Upon opening them, Elizabeth found herself sitting in her father's recliner in her living room. She glanced at the clock and saw that three hours had passed. She wondered at the passage of time, and then realized that her family would be home any minute.

Elizabeth raced around the house, gathering her books and tapes, and taking them to her room. She straightened the living room, picked her knife up off the floor, and went into her room. She hid the knife, and got ready for bed. She switched off her light, shut her door and climbed into bed. And just as she drifted off to sleep, she heard her parent's car pull up into the driveway.