Lessons Learned This Year

The Good, Golden, Bad, and Ugly A List of Life Lessons Learned This Year

1. I have the capability, if needed, to be a real bitch.

2. If you accidentally put a corseted top on upside down and don't notice a difference, you probably don't have the assets to wear one in the first place.

3. You can lead the guinea pig to the exercise ball, but you cannot make him roll. Furthermore, you should not make him roll.

4. Vacuum cleaner bags do not change themselves - and yes, they do need to be replaced.

5. If you think you have enough time to make it to the airport, you don't.

6. "They must put crack in the air' is not an appropriate response to the question, 'Where is your favorite place to visit", at a work seminar.

7. Showing up for class is not enough to pass chemistry.

8. Going to a doctor's appointment and requesting: 'put me on everything you've got, anything', will only result in further evaluations that you do not have time for.

9. Doubling up on your Rx because you foresee a doubly stressful week, will only double your problems.

10. Gas companies do not respond to 'crooked pinheads!' written on your payments. Don't waste your ink.

11. There is no dealing with psychotic people. (i.e., ex-boyfriends.)

12. Roommates will not appreciate you and two of your friends climbing up the fire escape and yelling "FIRE!" into their window.

13. Answering machine recordings that tell the telemarketers to 'take a hike' will not result in them doing so.

14. It is apparently illogical to expect adult roommates to pay their half of the bills. (And if they say 'I mailed it to your new address' after you pack up and move out, DON'T BELIEVE IT. )

15. Lightning DOES strike concrete.

16. Your mother will not respect your need for 'me time', if it involves blocking emails and avoiding phone calls for seven days.

17. Thinking "Nah, I don't need to watermark my pictures, nobody will steal them and claim them as theirs," are usually famous last words.

18. It is better to be late and caffeinated, than to skip the morning coffee and being on time but snarky.

19. At Starbucks, they will refuse to serve you 8 shots of espresso in one Grande drink. You can, however, order two Quad Talls. You have to outwit those people.

20. If you have troubling adding zero to something in your financial management class, it will be quite a while before you live that one down.

21. Think before you speak. (For instance: When watching footage of a burning shopping center and a relative laughs at the inferno that was 'Condom Sense', it isn't wise to laugh and say 'Yeah, they have one of those in my city.')

22. Contrary to personal belief, we runners do not always have the right of way.

23. It doesn't matter how expensive your running shoes were. Pushing a 4-minute mile will still incapacitate you the next day.

24. When it is raining for the tenth day straight, don't say 'screw it', straighten your hair, and wear flip-flops. It will not be liberating.

25. When your local coffee shop knows exactly what to make you and has it half way done by the time you're completely in the door, don't try to mix it up on a Monday. That's just cruel.

26. There is no such thing as etiquette on a university elevator. Just forget it.

27. Children do not like pears.

28. Business-casual clothes add ten pounds. Take this into consideration before your next interview.

29. Thinking like a watch will not help you find your lost one.

30. Apples in your refrigerator will not survive a weeklong vacation.

31. Throwing a cell phone at a person's head does more damage to the cell phone.

32. The lyrics to the Fresh-Prince theme song are also not a way to pass a test.

33. Turnabout is not always fair play...

34. And you may be able to make it up a steep hill in your civic, but you probably won't on roller blades. (To be honest, there really isn't much 'probably' about it.)