Lessons in Life

You know this week I faced a crossroads so to speak; on one road was the proverbial abyss, and on the other road it took us back home. I was so mad and so angry over something just so damn stupid that I almost walked down the road to the abyss.

At that crossroads I faced one of the toughest decisions in my life; I had to decide if recovering my wounded pride and seeking revenge was truly worth hurting two people that I have known for over a year and have come to respect and care greatly for. I was angry over a stupid cell phone and it has been bothering me for months frankly, a damn phone and as a result I dare say I lost two friends and risked possibly hurting them both badly. Fortunately at the last minute I took a sharp right down the road that led back home and I am working to repair the damage I have done this week.

One of my friends is a bright, beautiful future attorney; who if she truly knew just how much I respect and care for her probably would be surprised and shocked. In this young lady I saw the person I always wanted to be but never could because of my bipolar illness; I just don't have the temperament to be an attorney. This whole week we exchanged tit for tat and I allowed this argument to spiral so far out of control it digressed to me saying terrible things about her, and calling her names that frankly I am ashamed ever came out of my mouth truthfully; never would I allow anybody to talk to my wife like that, but yet I found it appropriate to talk to her like that; all because I was angry and looking for a fight with her over that damn cell phone.

I risked hurting her career and life by my actions and I just can't tell her how sorry I am for that. Thank God at the last minute I caught myself and I backed away from the statements I made to the authorities and told them I must have been mistaken because of my bipolar illness, my thought processes get confused frankly and I have trouble remembering details. (wink)

I found out that this young lady ruined an investigation I was working on and I was mad and hurt, and I lashed back at her in my writings. I had been working so hard on that investigation and it was ruined for what? revenge? If I had one thing to say to her it would be this; who did you hurt by that? not me it's not my neck on the line. Regardless I have stewed over that all week and I frankly am just tired of stewing.

Then on the very same day I get a call from a Texas official telling me about some "suspected" questionable behavior going on and I just could not
believe that here we go again. Well this Texas official played me like a violin because before I knew it he had me writing a statement about an incident I knew information about. Here I was the same fool that had used that same trick a hundred times walking right into the damn thing hook line and sinker. Luckily I put an end to that real fast yesterday when I decided to take the road back home, and I contacted this same Texas official and said "sorry so sad but I can't help you because I'm bipolar and my thoughts get confused and I'm not sure if what I said was what I actually meant to say". Being bipolar does have its advantages sometimes, but trust me if I ever had a choice, which unfortunately I don't, I wish God never cursed me with this disease frankly. Well needless to say this Texas official was not to please because he thought he finally had my young friend, but I ruined his game and he can't do anything without my cooperation and that just ain't going to happen; in fact my attorney advised him don't ever contact me again without contacting him first because of my illness. Thank God I sought the advice of my attorney before it was to late and he told me "what the hell are you doing get your a?s back here", really he said that just like that. This poor man has put up with my crap for God I can't remember how many years and he still loves me, but I needed that; I needed somebody to remind me what is important in life, and what is important to me is my family and dear friends like this young woman. He reminded me that you never, never trust a law enforcement officer without an attorney present, and I'm sorry guys if you are one because I was one myself and I have seen every possible abuse of the process committed in the name of justice. Little did he know I had already taken the road back home but I just needed his kick in the butt to pick up speed, so that was one mess I stopped thank God.

Then this young friend filed a complaint against me with her school so when I found that out I sent a copy of the statement I gave this Texas official to them; I figured tit for tat, but the minute I did it I felt sick frankly, so back to my trusty attorney again I go for counsel and once again he tells me "what the hell are you doing get your a?s back here" so once again I turned around and head for the proverbial home and I contacted the law school and told them I was mistaken and I had no interest in pursuing a complaint against my friend and they to were advised not to contact me without my attorney and that we would offer them no cooperation in any investigation which frankly there won't be none because nobody can do anything without the files I have and they will go to my grave with me, as a matter of fact I have them locked in my safe and when things calm down I intend to shred them so I will never be tempted to step into the abyss again.

The worst part was that a poor guy who had nothing to do with this fight was caught right in the middle and he didn't know what to do, and I took my anger out on him. For months I have done little things for him and for no reason I canceled and stopped doing them for him; why in the world would I do that? what the hell is wrong with me sometimes? Well if he reads this I want him to know we may not be friends anymore but nothing changes; I will still do what I have always done for you in the past, and I am sorry I put you in the middle of this whole mess.

You know the sad part of this whole incident was that I'm the older one with more life experience and I should have been the one that stopped this before it got way out of hand; a friend of mine warned me, but damn I wouldn't listen I swear.

So I guess you could say this was one of those lessons in life that really, really hurts to learn. It's like touching a hot stove you do it once and it is a lesson you learned but if you do it again your a damn fool and need to have your head examined frankly.