Lessons in Mothering: There is No 'Right' Way

"A little swat on the butt is the only way I can control Samantha anymore, all she does is test me!!"

"You know, dear, in my day we didn't need to watch Oprah or consult books to raise a child. And we certainly didn't need the Internet..."

Does this sound familiar? Have you ever asked your Mom, or an opinionated girlfriend, for advice on parenting? Or expressed some of your own views to family and friends? Occasionally, it goes well, especially if both parties agree. Other times, it may be a lively, friendly debate, without so much as a hint of judgment or competition. What fun!

Now, and I am speaking for myself here, all that good stuff happens, oh, roughly five percent of the time. More typically, however, the experience is not unlike unwittingly stepping into a big, steaming pile of...well, you get the idea.

So who's right? Is it really never OK to spank child? Can time-outs work for anyone's kid? What are the benefits or disadvantages of these different approaches? Does it even matter?

First and foremost, although you will get lots of opinions, from lots of people in your life, you must make your own decisions as to how best discipline your children. Most people you know and love, no matter how close they may be to you and your family, only get a small peek into your day-to-day life. In my experience, you must take advice from many, but use the judgment of one: yourself.

I also think it is important to point out that what matters much more than the spank itself, or the words spoken to the child, is the spirit of the discipline. It is more important to ensure the child understands that while you may disapprove of the behavior, the child is always loved, and the child is not "bad". You will foster nothing but self-esteem issues and inferiority complexes by consistently beating your child down, and I am talking strictly in the verbal sense here.

I am of the opinion that a spank here and there is not the mark of bad parenting; it is simply not usually necessary. However, I would not be calling the police if I saw a child get a quick smack on the bottom, while being given a stern, but loving warning about listening to Mommy in a parking lot. If a child, who is old enough to know better, pulls away and is running towards the street, getting their attention that one time may be all you needto reinforce that you mean business, and to snap them into paying attention and absorb your words of caution. And furthermore, I feel it is the right of the parent to decide when these situations warrant more than words alone.

I would much rather see something like the above scenario than to witness a child be belittled, tormented, ridiculed, or screamed at. I feel the latter a far more disturbing situation than the former. And the former description of a typical "smack on the bottom" is all the physical contact I would ever consider appropriate while enforcing discipline on a child. Ever. That being said, I have seen first-hand how verbal abuse can be as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse (with the exception, obviously, of severe beatings, which should be reported if suspected and punished with prison time if proven.).

To attack a child's spirit, especially as their primary caregiver and nurturer, is never acceptable. We parents have been given a title, but also a responsibility: we are our children's' soft place to fall. If we don't catch them, and help them back to their feet as they learn the ins and outs of this hectic, unforgiving world, who will? And if they grow and learn without this support, they will seek it out in negative places. Children need guidance; and they need to be reminded that they have it. They have to know they do have people on their team, rooting for them, every single day..

If we allow the seed of "I'm-not-good-enough" mentality to take root in their susceptible, impressionable, burgeoning minds, it may be a weed that proves difficult to kill off in the future. Whether you issue a spank now and then; or never waiver from calm, composed time-outs where you are the parent, and the child is the child; whether you take the advice of your friends and family, or follow solely your own road; these things matter very little. Rest assured in the knowledge there is no one correct, perfect way to raise a child. There are some wrong ways, which we discussed. Abuse is never acceptable.

Just as Doctors must take the Hippocratic Oath when accepting their license to practice medicine, parents should, at least in spirit, also pledge that first line: "First, do no harm." If your child knows at all times that they are loved, if you discipline as a loving parent (as opposed to a friend, or a bully), if their basic needs are met, and you are always looking for new ways to improve their chance of success, you are doing it the right way.