Lessons in Overindulgence

Many parents these days do not believe that discipline is a high priority while raising their children and this type of idealism could very well put their children in danger. Most of us know at least one parent who would swear that their child could do no wrong when their child is constantly in trouble. These same people spend countless hours and money to get their children out of trouble only to enable them to do it again.

The overindulgence of some parents can, and most often does, lead to tragedy. There is nothing more tragic than a young life thrown away.

I learned this by observation and have seen it happen countless times. When a parent constantly bails their child out of trouble without consequence, that child will grow up believing that they can get away with anything and that someone else will always take responsibility for them because they have never been taught how to be responsible for themselves.

A tragic example of this would be a young man I knew for 12 years. His name was Justin.

I met Justin (8 yrs.) in the late 90s when I moved into a house in the same neighborhood where he lived. Justin's parents did not believe in discipline and allowed Justin to do or say anything he wanted without repercussion. His parents also firmly believed that Justin could do no wrong even though he was always embroiled in controversy because of his actions. He would pick fights, steal, lie, vandalize other people's property and torture animals in the neighborhood, just to mention a few of his indiscretions, yet his parents were adamant that he would not do such things. It did not matter to his parents how many witnesses there were to Justin's actions or what evidence was available to prove his guilt, Justin was allowed to continue the unacceptable behavior.

We all know kids that we think of as annoying or even children that we just do not like or want around us but for me it is unnerving that a parent would facilitate unacceptable behavior in their children and inevitably cause this. Children learn what we teach them. They learn by our example. If we have no quality time for them or we decline our responsibilities to teach them such things as respect and acceptable behavior, we set them up for failure and ridicule from others, possible causing them to become pariahs to society.

Justin did not have any real friends due to the fact he wanted everything his way and had no intention of compromise. He had the propensity to take advantage of those around him and by the time he turned 10 years old he was almost a total outcast. He began to suffer emotionally because those who befriended him did so in order to take from him and little else. We watched as he became intolerable and harsh but there was little we could do.

Justin threw his parent's money around in order to keep people around and he got in deep with drug dealers that he eventually narked on. A few of them went to prison locally and had their own plans for revenge. I stepped in between Justin and other young men a few times in order to prevent Justin from being beat and, I'm sorry to say, I did so to keep the other teens from getting in trouble, not to protect Justin.

Justin's first job during high school was in a restaurant where he stole over $1,500 from the cash register. His parents paid the restaurant back for what he took and kept the owners from having Justin arrested but there were no repercussions for the theft. His high school years also saw his parents buy Justin two (2) almost new p/u trucks that he demolished, one by cutting in front of another driver, putting them in the hospital, and the other he demolished by drinking two (2) six packs in two (2) hours before speeding down a country road at over 60 miles and hour in a 20 MPH zone and missing a curve causing the truck to go airborne and ending upside down in a creek bed.

It is disconcerting when those around you have discussions that depict a young person either dying or being in prison by the time the reach adulthood. Most people figured Justin to make it to 25 or 30 years of age. I thought he would be lucky to make it to 21.

Justin's life ended on July 23rd of last year at the age of 20, less than four (4) months before turning 21.

Justin is, unfortunately, a very good example of what an over permissive parent can do to their children and this story, although tragic, should be a lesson to all parents.

We need to take the time to teach our children right from wrong and we need to teach them that unacceptable behavior is not rewarded. It is not necessary to be overly harsh with our children but we would do better by our children to give them a choice instead of allowing them to run amuck on their own. The choice we should give them involves consequences for their actions...good behavior affords them enjoyable consequences while unacceptable behavior results in unpleasant consequences.

Another way to avoid the tragedy that became of Justin would be to teach our children how to earn what they want. Justin's parents gave him anything he wanted and paid for all of his indiscretions out of their own pocket. This taught Justin that he could have anything he wanted, even if he chose to steal it. If he had ever been taught to earn what he wanted, he may not have been so indignant towards other people and would have learned that stealing was something he had no right to do.

If any child derives enjoyment from torturing an animal, attention should be paid. It is not natural for a child of any age to get pleasure from animal cruelty and it is a giant red flag that something is very wrong. I attempted to talk to Justin's family after he was seen being cruel to a puppy I kept outside when I was at work but nobody wanted to take it seriously (Justin was 9). If you see such behavior in a child, please say something.

Many things could have been done differently for Justin but his parents hid behind self righteousness, their sense of entitlement and religion. The early demise of their son can be laid solely at his parents feet because of what they failed to teach him. Parents with troubled children often do not want to take responsibility for the actions of their children but it is impossible to escape if your children are still too young to be responsible for themselves. Justin's parents deprived him of what he needed in order to have a decent life by denying his humanity from birth. His parents were responsible for his behavior simply because they consciously refused to teach him better.

Justin's parents would not appreciate my recollection but what I have shared is either public record, first hand or what I have witnessed. To this day they take no responsibility.

The moral of this story is that we, as parents, need to teach our children how to behave. If Justin's death at the tender age of 20 can help a parent learn what not to do to their children then he would not have died in vain. I spent ten years around Justin and never once saw his parents give him a hug. I never saw them set any rules for him or give him any sort of structure in his life. Children need these things and it is up to us to give it to them.