Let it Be an Adventure

I blocked it out because I wanted to be a rebel and a badass. Not go along with the crowd, I don't regret the decision to dodge the endless little stupidities of my native (Russian) and adopted (American) cultures. Having said that, there were "gems" of understanding about human nature which I, in my attempt to rebel and be such a non-conformist bad-ass on an ideological level, ignored up until about now. I'd like to state that the perpetual blessing of confidence goes far beyond increasing odds of consensual penetration. It gives life purpose. We can go on and on whether such purpose, and indeed self-esteem and confidence are "from you" or "from God" or an emergent consequence of physics we don't understand; or some mix-and-match variation thereof. That's not my point, that's not the topic. Whatever it is, whatever you perceive it to be, it is an energizer battery for even a day-to-day grudge.

The other night, I listened to one of those cheesy motivational speeches given by a soothing and gently assertive British voice. Hate to admit it, but I got into it, and combined with a sincere but definitely unorthodox prayer to I-don't-know-who/what, I resolved to change for the better.

When I say better, I do mean more in control. Better eye contact and less, if any, nervousness and fidgets during a presentation. Assuredness that I can succeed. A vision if you will, of the battle already fought and won. All I have to do is progress through and make it happen with the certainty that I will achieve success. Oh, what if I screw up along the way? Well, not if but when. Who hasn't screwed up? You think a musician has never composed a verse that sucked to high heaven? An athlete never fumbled or missed an easy jump shot? A player (with liberal definitions of success in terms of ethics) never got turned down by the hottie he was scoping? Please. Such things happen, and the biggest lie I was told, besides one involving teeth under pillows and quarters, was that there is such a thing as "failure". That one has "failed" beyond a very short time frame. Yes, one can fail a test, one can fail even a class, or in a relationship. One can, despite all sincere efforts, fail at a job to the extent of being fired for incompetence. I understand. And I also am cognizant of the fact that most of these things have not occurred to me personally, so to speak in this semi-preachy holier-than-thou listen-to-my-genius-inspirational-advice is downright hypocritical. Fine. Stop reading then. I don't disagree that on the scale of intelligence and insight relevant to such things as "lessons of life" or "wisdom", I am somewhere between a brick and a dysfunctional doorknob with a Ming Vase or a Sistine Chapel being the point at which this becomes worth absorbing. Perhaps this is more to myself than to you. I need to see these thoughts "out there" instead of experiencing them only as disturbances of neural electricity in the ether.

To whomever this is addressed to: Get up one more time than knocked down. That is success as defined by General George S. Patton, an American military commander who is in good company as evident by another quotation to the effect of: "The goal of battle is not to gloriously die for your cause, but to make the other poor bastard die for his!"

But back to the topic at hand. (I just love that quote.)

From my experience with athletics, girls, academics; don't try to improve with "the world owes me, watch me get revenge" in mind. Seinfeld said it best -- the best revenge is living well. So live well. Not "ok". Not even "good". Make your life mean something. It doesn't have to be Nobel-winning work, but it should be something that at first is thought to be impossible or just stage-fright scary. Every time you achieve even a "little" goal, you can add an extra bounce into your step and stare down challenges and other "scary" things with that much more certainty drawn on the memory of your success. Build up such little successes -- work out regularly, don't back down from your convictions -- after double-checking they're not idiotic -- and be proud of not only who you are, but who you have the possibility of being. Turn that possibility into reality with a guide being that your "grandeur", potential or realized, should be not only to your, but to others' benefit. Perhaps not in goals per-se (face it, there's little compassion in commodities trading or RAM-jet propulsion expertise), but in the methods of perseverance and conviction of your abilities in achieving those goals. At least you are someone people look up to in method of achievement, if not necessarily in subject achieved. Such feelings of accomplishing, of "making your mark" on some part of the world, become addictive and self-perpetuating. I mean look at my list of articles. No matter how little one may think of them, with each one I put out there, even if it gets scant attention, my resume in this field grows that much stronger. In hard-pressed times, there are that much more samples of the least I could do with only a blank page as a starting point.

Let this be an adventure. If others want to join in as friends or romantic partners, that's great. If not, keep going despite and perhaps because of the pitfalls. After all, every high school story is far more interesting and entertaining if you were a dweeb, every bike ride is better for the scraped knees in the beginning, and every romantic success is infinitely more pleasant if you started out barely able to say "hi" without wetting your pants.

Wetting your pants is part of the fun; let it be said that a level of self-esteem I can't conceive of must be achieved if one chooses to take this claim literally and act on it with pride.