Let Your Kids Grow Up - Tips for Dealing with Adult Offspring

Some people say that the parent/child relationship never truly recovers from the rift that usually occurs during adolescence. It can be difficult for parents to think of their children as completely grown up - the temptation to give advice, jump in to assist them, and care for them as if they were still babies can be very strong. Even in a healthy relationship, this can cause stress and strain. Here are some things to keep in mind as a parent dealing with your adult children.

Don't give unsolicited advice.

Your kids will seek help if they really, really need it. Maybe not from you. Maybe they don't even share all their troubles with you. And that's perfectly okay! Your kids have their own way of dealing with the issues that confront them in life, and if they're not asking you for help, there's a reason. Maybe they don't want to trouble you. Maybe they don't think that your techniques will work for them. Maybe you've given a lot of unsolicited advice in the past, making them reluctant to admit that they need more.

Whatever the reason, if your kids aren't asking for advice, don't offer it. Maybe you love getting advice and seek it whenever possible - but not everyone feels that way. Some people prefer to do research online to help them solve problems, or seek advice only from a few close friends or mentors. Maybe, to your chagrin, your kids are the type to always make their own mistakes. You'll be sorely tempted to throw unsolicited advice at them, but don't! The more you back off with the advice, the more likely they'll be to finally start asking for it.

Don't belittle their beliefs.

Often, when kids grow up, they stray from the values and beliefs that were taught to them in childhood. This is normal. Taking this personally, as many parents do, can be very harmful to a relationship. Veiled hints about how much they're hurting you, speculating on the state of their souls, mocking their socio-political beliefs - all of these things can be extremely detrimental to your relationship.

If both of you can get into a spirited argument with no hard feelings lingering, then go nuts! But if the claws are coming out and both parties leave nursing wounds, try to tone it down a little bit. It can be as simple as just holding your tongue when they start telling you about that rally they went to, or the new, progressive church they're attending, or anything that they know is likely to start a fight. Don't start that fight, no matter how sorely you're tempted!

Believe it or not, lots of grown-up kids and their parents can still have healthy, fulfilling relationships even if their opinions and beliefs are as different as night and day. It's all about a foundation of mutual respect and love - and if you have issues there, seek out counseling to help build a stronger foundation.

Don't criticize the way they manage money.

Are you a saver or a spender? Whatever your money habits, don't try to wheedle your kids into doing the exact same things you do. If they prefer to put money away rather than go on big shopping trips, that's their decision - just as it's up to them if they want to spend more than they invest for the future.

Whether your money habits are "good" or "bad," your kids won't appreciate you criticizing them for doing something just because it's not what you would do.

Don't try to parent their kids for them.

Everyone has a different philosophy of parenting, but here's the comforting truth: regardless of how they were raised, most people turn out just fine. Trying to interfere with the way that your kids are raising their kids can only end in hurt. And when you're babysitting or visiting, respect your son or daughter's wishes about how to deal with their child. You'd want the same courtesy from anyone caring for your children when they were young.

Of course, there are situations where you may be obligated to intervene. If you feel that abuse is occurring, it's best to seek someone's help - if you don't want to involve Child Protective Services right away, you can always talk to a therapist or counselor to get some guidance on how to proceed. Still, confronting your son or daughter and/or the other parent is a bad idea, as it could lead to a big blow-out that could put the child in more danger. Getting a professional third party involved is the best and safest way to deal with any serious problems.

Don't forget that they are capable adults, just like you.

It sounds simple, but all too often, "knowing" and "knowing" are not quite the same thing. Realizing that your kid is in his or her 20s, 30s or beyond is different from fully accepting that your kid is no longer a kid, but a grown up man or woman who has to deal with their own life.

This doesn't just mean resisting your natural urge to offer them help and advice; sometimes, it means setting up appropriate boundaries rather than letting them lean too heavily on you. Feeling obligated to your kids is normal, but if you find yourself without a life because you're still treating your kids like teenagers, it's time to put your foot down. Depending on your unique situation, this could mean anything from asking your kid to move out of the spare room to asking him or her to start hiring a babysitter some weekends instead of relying on you for free childcare. While it may seem harsh at first, it will be good for both of you.