Let Off Steam with a Good Fight

Think hard - all major decisions in your life have accompanied tiffs and routine fights, be it planning a holiday, moving house or even something as small as selecting a DVD to watch over the weekend. When you are at it, it seems infuriating. But think about all the big fights and the small tiffs that have been part of the major plans of your life. Do you regret them? Maybe not; because they have brought you closer.

Altercations - both big and small - are a healthy part of long-lasting relationships. You may be a loving and understanding couple, but by putting up a wise fight you learn to depend on each other's strengths, compensate for your own weaknesses and protect your vulnerabilities. So long as each fight is productive, there is no threat to your relationship. It will only enhance the relationship you have with each other. And there are ways of achieving this.

Figure your feelings
Every conflict arises out of a certain feeling of sadness, pain or dissatisfaction. There may be many reasons for these feelings to arise. A conflict gives clues to discover what the real issues are and the need to talk and sort them out. Do you feel unappreciated and unwanted in the relationship? Maybe at the end of the big talk, a simple solution arises - you miss spending quality time with each other and you need to rectify that. You've both gotten to the point, and you now have to chart the future course of action.

Me Vs You
Avoid any association with these words. It puts the blame squarely on the other person. Don't say things like: "You left the wet clothes on the bedroom floor", or "Your kitchen is always a mess" etc. These are personal attacks and will only make your partner more defensive and worsen the conflict.

Mind your manners
Do not yell or call each other names. Do not dismiss the other person's ideas as irrelevant either. Lend a patient ear and work to arrive at amicable solutions.

Give it time
If the feelings are too intense on both sides, take time out and get composure. Reacting in the heat of the moment will only worsen things. Take deep breaths. It will calm you down and clear your head as well.

Another time
If you are unable to arrive at an amicable solution, put off the argument/ discussion for later. Taking decisions at the heat of the moment is detrimental to a good relationship. Put it off for a short while, and get a fresh and clear start. Sleep in separate rooms for a night. Sometimes sleeping in the living room gives perspective. You may then want a resolution and not simply wish to win the argument.

The balancing act
Compromise is a bad word. But think about it, it only means giving up something that you can do without. Discuss the 'deal breakers', things that your partner simply must have. Arrive at an agreement and make a fresh start rather than focussing on what you disagree with.

Time out
There is a limit to your time for argument. When that is done, give each other a tight hug. It does not mean that you have brushed all the issues under the carpet, but that you are both focussed on working on them together.

Learn from the past
Take an objective view of things, if possible in a lighter vein, the next day. On the morning after, discuss and see if you could have done things differently. The day after an argument has been resolved, ask your partner if there was something you could have done to make it easier. Listen to his/ her suggestion carefully. If need be, call in an objective third party, such as a best friend, who may be able to throw a different light on the situation.