Let the Pandas Die!

On the short-lived but funny and inventive adult cartoon "Father of the Pride," there were two panda bears. The male, named Nelson, wasn't interested in pandas; he wanted the sexy milf lioness Kate (Cheryl Hines). Foo-Lin, his obnoxious female panda counterpart voiced by Lisa Kudrow, similarly rejected Nelson, claiming that she could do better and deserved love. The crusty old matriarch, voiced by Carl Reiner, would have no part of this crap. He looked at the male and said "she's a panda, you're a panda; this is a no brainer." To Foo-Lin, he stated the obvious: "you're a middle aged, fat, virgin panda. You deserve Nelson."

In my book, he's being a little too tolerant.

Remember how this species is already low in numbers and its prospects aren't looking very high? Well, on September 8, 2006, a female panda named Ya-Ya crushed one of her twin baby pandas because she fell asleep while caring for it and fell on top of it. Her excuse? She had been taking care of the children 56 hours straight. Now, for the sensible species of the world, when you live in a zoo there are zookeepers there who are willing to lift a finger so mommy doesn't have to suffer sleep-deprivation. Do the pandas take this hint? No, they don't. They crush their own children by falling on top of them. I'm no evolutionary biologist, but I'm skeptical such behavior passes the "survival of the fittest" test.

In fact, lots about the panda bear fails the evolution test. They're fat and slow. They have no natural camouflage. Oh, and did I mention they have exactly one primary food source, and that it just so happens to be a stick that's only grown on 0.000001% of the Earth's surface? And that they'll only live at certain latitudes and elevations with just the right about of humidity? Screw you, hippies; an animal so stupid, picky, worthless, and slow has no place in the natural world.

So why do we keep them around? Because they're cute to look at? I always see people crowding at the zoo to see them, but you know what? They never do anything interesting. They just sit there. Pandas lack the charisma of feces-slinging monkeys or the talent of elephants who can paint with their trunk. They aren't feared like the Tigers and can't run fast like the Cheetah. They don't glow in the dark or have big, nasty teeth or creep people out. They're bear in name only, unless it's a pun that they're "bare" in value.

I have yet to mention the biggest case against the panda: they don't have sex. I don't know if they don't like it or they're just too dumb to figure out, but it's amazing to me how much time our nation's best zookeepers spend trying to get these ugly things to mate. Is that why people major in zoology? To get panda bears in the mood? Do they get an even greater arousal from it? I don't, that's for sure. You want to know how they got Ya-Ya to mate with her partner? They had to show them a video. I don't know if it was education or pornography, but does it really matter? This species walks around naked and they can't find the willpower to love. If humans walked around naked, I don't even think we'd have videos for such purposes.

And let us not forget where these pandas come from: China. Red, filthy, no-good, communist China. Now, I'm not suggesting that the pandas themselves are members of the party, so calm down, Senator, but I will say that every time we pay to bring a panda bear to an American zoo, we're propping up red, filthy, no-good communism. Even though many of our everyday goods and services are produced in Chinese factories whose labor standards make the Great Capitalist God in the Sky flush with pride, they're still communists in theory. I know it's not the panda bears' fault that its one food source only really grows well in a filthy, no-good, godless enemy state, but politics is politics and we should find another unsustainable animal to give our irrational attachment to. Might I suggest the Latvian bowlegged beetle? Or maybe we could just move the koala up a notch or two?

If we're going to keep the heavy focus on panda bears and be slugged over the head with a news report every time one is born, I suggest we find a good use for them, and fast. I don't know what they taste like, but I did eat at a Panda Express once, and I imagine it's a lot like that - although I think that was some species of cat. Perhaps they make nice handbags or have the cure for cancer hiding in their bile ducts. We don't know these things, of course, because of regulations on killing them. I say, in the name of Mr. Darwin, let's axe a few and see if there's some reason for keeping these things around. If not, than let them die out like we've done to so many other species. If you think that saying "but they're cute!" in a whiny, girlish voice is valid reason to keep the panda around, I've got some news for you. With a Hollywood makeup department and an ordinary bear, you can make your own damned pandas. Failing that, you could just put somebody in a costume. It fools people, especially the nerdy zoologists who get a little too excited when a panda looks horny. Really, I saw it on "The Simpsons" once.

In conclusion, panda bears are the Paris Hiltons of the animal kingdom. They're shiftless, have it easy, and add no value to society, but they still get a lot of attention from the media, getting the A-list treatment. People say they're cute or beautiful, but this author doesn't get it, or doesn't see why under the same logic, millions of other animals are not given similar attention. Also, if there was a homemade tape of a panda bear having sex, it would arouse way too many geeky virgins. However, in fairness to panda bears, I doubt they're low enough to appear on something like "The Simple Life."

And finally, the social psychologist in me thinks that if we wiped a few of the freeloading rich people out, maybe the others would get a clue and start showing some worth in life. That's why I advocate the immediate application of Darwin's laws to the panda species, which means to this hack biologist the public execution of one of the dumber ones. It's time they either start paying their dues or taking a beating. I'll not be the least bit sorry if it's the latter, extinction or no. The do-do bird was a dumb animal, and it's now extinct. Does anyone sing paeans to the do-do bird? No. Good riddance, you worthless, lazy, boring, no-good, communist animals!

So, does anyone out there have a panda gun?